Making Connections

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Okay.  We've decided to be sincerely interested not just in what we feel and need ourselves but with what others feel and need.  Carrying this into our behavior and communication can be incredibly scary.  We know that one of the keys is to learn not to take what other people say personally, but the thing is, we have all been educated to attack each other.  If I tell you what I feel and what I need and you respond with something like, "You are obviously a thin-skinned, self-centered person." my first reaction may not be that loving and understanding.  So learning to pause, breathe and process is essential to communicating peacefully. 

Obviously, the person I'm talking to interpreted my communication as an attack.  Maybe my response should be in regard to that - letting him or her know that I care about him and just wanted him to know what was happening with me, AND that I want to know what's happening with him.  I can guess what he might be feeling by asking myself what I would be feeling and needing if I were him.  I can let him know that I'm just guessing and would like him to tell me what he feels and needs if I didn't guess right.  Maybe I could say, "I'm just guessing, but maybe you're feeling like I'm criticizing you and don't care about how you're feeling.  Is that right?  But all through this process I will have to deal with my own urge to take what he says personally and attack back.  Practice complete with a lot of mistakes is going to be necessary.  Maybe I will have to learn to say, "I didn't mean to say that.  Let me try again."

In truth other people want the same things I do - acceptance and respect from other people, to not be criticized and judged, and ultimately we all need love.  The thing is we have all been educated to believe that our mission is to make other people give that to us because it's their job, because they're supposed to.  But the only thing that works is to give that to other people first.  The question is, how to do that when we are feeling empty and needy ourselves?  Here's the paradox - if we start giving lovingly to other people, just those small acts make us feel loved.  How is that possible?  I have no idea.  But I swear it's true.  So, to be able to hold our own with people who are on the attack, we will need to have built up our strength in advance through small acts of kindness to others.  Weird, huh?

Responding to Others

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Looking into ourselves and identifying honestly what we're feeling and what need we are trying to meet is the first step in "speaking peace."  But then comes the other half - learning to respond to other people's communications in a loving way so as to discover what they're feeling and what needs they're trying to meet.  There's a good chance they've not been studying how to speak peace so we're going to have to guess what they're saying without judging them.  WAY easier said than done.  It doesn't mean trying to understand them with our minds; it means the understanding of the heart.  Begin by being in the moment with the person.  Next resolve to take nothing they say personally.  Then imagine what you might be feeling and what need you might be trying to meet by saying what they are saying.

For example, suppose your spouse says to you, "You never have any time for me!"  You know you spend several hours a day with her so your impulse might be to say, "That's not true.  We spend a lot of time together every day."  So how do you think it will go from there?  Maybe a full-fledged argument about which of you is lying about the amount of time spent together.  Will either of your needs get met?  Not too likely in my opinion.  What if you said, "Wow! I'm sorry to hear you feel that way.  Are you saying you want to spend more time with me?  I love that.  I'd like to spend more time with you too.  When and how would you like to do that?"  Maybe that conversation would be more likely to meet both of your needs and make your lives more wonderful.

Intention

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We can learn a lot of techniques for "speaking peace," but none of them really matter unless our intention is to be loving, compassionate, to find ways to help ourselves and others meet our needs without hurting anyone and to make our lives more wonderful.  That sounds so lofty and hopelessly high flown that it must be an intention for saints, right?  No, I don't think so.  I think its a great intention for a happy life.  The thing is the world is so full of hate and conflict that it is hard not to be drawn into it at any given moment during the day.  For me I find it necessary to set up reminders throughout the day to keep my intention in mind.  Sometimes it's a peace of jewelry, sometimes I set the alarm on my phone, sometimes it's a prayer I carry with me and look at when I think of it through out the day.  Even so I often forget, but I remember more than I used to.  I know a Vietnamese man who wears the clothes common in his country when he's working at his restaurant.  He says wearing them remind him of how he wants to treat people.  So...what other ideas can we come up with to remember to live our intention?

Mourning instead of Apologies

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When we've done something wrong that hurt another person, we're supposed to apologize.  The thing is apology is just another way of acknowledging the paradigm of "right and wrong," "good and bad."  We're still stuck in a place where healing for ourselves and the other person is ignored.  Instead we can communicate how sad we feel when we realize the other person's pain - how we mourn because we see what we have done.  Are we more likely to change our behavior because we're wrong and see ourselves as bad or because we acknowledge the pain we've caused and mourn for our ignorant behavior.  Rosenberg says the latter is what makes change. 

When I really look at things I've done that have hurt other people, I see that I was trying to meet a need, but because I was ignorant and unskilled, I hurt someone in the process.  There are a million or more other ways I could have met my need that would not have hurt someone, but I was never educated to look for those ways.  Often I would get so fearful and frustrated that I just screamed at other people.  I thought they would have to change or I would never get my needs met.  Even now that I know to look for ways to meet my needs that don't require other people to change, it's always hard because I'm fighting all the years that I was educated to do otherwise. 

It's still worth it to be compassionate with myself and the other folks in the world as we try to get our needs met.  We've all been educated to believe that if one person wins, someone else has to lose.  That was never true but we were taught to believe it.  So now we live in a world of constant conflict.  The only way for it to begin to change begins with me.

Here's the VERY hard part...

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So - if everything we do, we do to meet a need, doesn't that apply even to people who have hurt us?  Some of us are still in pain because of harm done to us by our parents.  Rosenberg promises us that they too were trying to meet a need.  Maybe our reaction to that truth would be that they did what they did because they were bad people and had to hurt us because they needed to do something bad.  Well, that's not what Rosenberg meant and we know that.  Maybe our parents had parents who hurt them.  Maybe our parents had no idea how to handle the difficulties they were facing in their lives, and took it out on us.  There are a million possible explanations for why our parents and/or other people have hurt us that have nothing to do with their being bad people.  So once we've let ourselves off the hook for the things we've done that we've judged as bad, we might be able to let the people who have hurt us off the hook too.  Rosenberg says that the pain will go away when we've let ourselves and everybody else off the hook.  This might be the hardest thing we've ever done, but wouldn't it be worth it to be out of pain?

Communicating with Ourselves

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Think of a mistake you made recently and remember what you told yourself at the moment you regretted it.  Was it something like, "I'm a bad, stupid person.  How could I have done that?  What's wrong with me?"  This is the way most of us talk to ourselves when we make mistakes, and we learned it from the people who educated us when we made mistakes - blame, attack, etc.  Dr. Rosenberg thinks we all go through life more than a little depressed from talking to ourselves like this when we make mistakes.  This is not a way to a more wonderful life!

Working from the concept that everything we (and everybody else) do is for the purpose of meeting a need, what need were we trying to meet when we made that mistake?  It may take some thinking and exploration to identify the need, but once we do we'll probably notice that's it's just sad that we took such a wrong-headed way to meet that need.  Dr. Rosenberg says feeling that sadness and "mourning" our mistake is the way to learning better ways to meet our needs.  We can empathize with ourselves and not lose self-respect.

Let's say I said something that hurt someone's feelings.  I feel terrible and berate myself for the mistake - Why did I say that?  I should have known it would hurt his feelings?  I'm just an insensitive person."   Then I begin to try to find a way to make it the other person's fault - "Well, he shouldn't be so sensitive.  After all, he asked my opinion.  So what if he didn't like it." 

Wait, wait!  Stop!  That's the old way of dealing with mistakes.  Back up and ask myself - What need of mine was I trying to meet when I said that?  I'm probably going to find out that it's complicated.  Maybe I've actually got a resentment about something the person did to me in the past that came out.  Instead of asking for something I wanted (a request, not a demand), I said something hurtful to get even.  Hmmm.  I wasn't even aware of this when I said it.  I can feel my sadness that I hurt someone and that I don't honor my own needs enough to at least ask for what I want from other people.  I can use this insight to begin taking better care of myself and as a result I will be more aware of other people's needs.

Requests vs Demands

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How many of us have had the experience of learning a new way to communicate - and with the best of intentions changed our approach but still expected to get our way?  I know it's happened to me a whole lot of times.  If I've asked you nicely, you're supposed to do what I want, right?  I remember being told by my husband and my oldest daughter, that I always asked nicely, but they knew there would be hell to pay if they didn't comply.  So... that's a demand, not a request.  If you know I'm going to hurt you if you don't do what I want, it doesn't matter how sweetly I ask.  Nothing about that suggests non-violence, does it? 

To get past this, I remember that the point of my communication is to make life more wonderful for BOTH of us, not to get my way.  The mom who wants her daughter to clean her room envisions a life where she, herself, will have to clean the room if she makes a request rather than a demand.  That's not necessarily so.  It misses the point though.  The point is to make life more wonderful for both of them and to give both of them a chance to be happy through returning to their real natures - the desire to be compassionate and to contribute to other's well being.  By making a request, rather than a demand, the mom is giving her daughter that opportunity.  If they have a history of a circle of demands, resistance, conflict, etc., it's going to take more than a little while for her daughter to quit believing that mom is making  a demand.  Mom must really mean it when she says she is just as interested in her daughter's needs as her own and she's going to have to prove it.

But wait!  Isn't a parent supposed to teach orderliness, responsibility, obedience to authority, etc.?  Well, there are some questions about that - like:  Is teaching from the position of power where punishment is the power the best way to teach?  Is obedience to authority always a good thing? Could some of these things be more effectively taught by example?  Would teaching through appealing to the joy of giving be more effective?

Dealing with Conflict on a Personal Basis

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What kind of conflict could we assume is the most common?  I think it could be boiled down to: Someone-is-doing-something-I-don't-like.  Of course, we could also say that the person isn't doing what we want or that the person is doing something that hurts us, or doing something wrong,etc.  BUT the first sentence could easily sum up most personal conflicts.  What many of us do at that point is explain to the person how wrong he or she is and demand that they stop doing what they're doing and do what we want instead.  Guess what?!  In case, you haven't noticed, that almost never works. 

If it does work, it's only temporary and it's usually because we have the power to hurt the person in some way so he or she is afraid not to do what we want (at least as long as we're watching).  This situation usually progresses to the person eventually reverting to his/her former behavior and then finding some way to retaliate.  Good grief!  Now we've got a war going on.  Since I believe every single one of us has experienced being on one side or the other of conflict with another human, I shouldn't have to explain in detail what the future holds - more conflict, followed by more conflict, sometimes interspersed with truces.  What a way to live!  There's got to be a better way.

Well, there is another way but it means a lot of work for us - NOT for other people.  First of all our job will be to get acquainted with our emotions, our hearts, our true desires.  This will not be easy because we have been educated to always look outside ourselves when we're uncomfortable to see who or what is the problem.  Our new way will be to look inside and see what our emotions are and what our needs are that are not being met.  Sound easy?  Well, forget that.  It's hard.  We have years of education to overcome.  Then we must learn to communicate our feelings and needs to other people - WITHOUT even implying a little bit - any judgment of them.

Parents have lots of opportunities to practice this.  Example:  1)  Identify the behavior that's bothering you:  My daughter won't clean her room.  2)  How do you feel when this happens?  Answering this can be a problem for a lot of us.  "I feel she is lazy."  No.  That's a judgment not a feeling.  "I feel she is wrong."  There you go again.  This type of interaction makes the daughter feel attacked and what usually happens is that the daughter will counter attack and defend. 

Surely we must know this is going to happen.  But we keep doing it anyway.  Why do we keep doing what doesn't work and makes us unhappy?  Because we have been educated to see everything in terms of right and wrong and to believe that our job is to make them hate themselves for what they've done, which, theoretically will make them feel so bad they will change their ways.  We are waiting for them to say, "You're right.  I am soooo sorry.  I will change."  Oh this is so sad.  Have we ever, ever, ever heard anybody say that after we've "straightened them out?"

So what about the parent whose daughter doesn't clean up her room?  What might she be feeling?  For sure it would not be a good idea for her to say, "When you don't clean up your room, it hurts me."  That's just another way to manipulate - trying to induce guilt as a motivator.  That doesn't work either.  So maybe what she's feeling is frustration or sadness or anger.  In any case, one word describing an emotion rather than a demand or a judgment is what's needed.

Now comes another hard part - what need does Mom have that's not being met?  Let's be honest.  Maybe Mom is a control freak that just wants her kids to do what she says with no argument.  Let's also hope that she knows this desire isn't likely to be met and in actuality isn't the kind of relationship she truly wants with her children.  Maybe her true need is for order and beauty in her home and for help and cooperation in meeting that need.  Even a teenage daughter might be able to see that as a legitimate need her mother has that would give her a more wonderful life.  Then, it will be necessary to be very clear about the request.  "Clean your room," is clear to Mom, but maybe not to the daughter.  A better request would be:  "Please take your trash out, your laundry to the laundry room, change your sheets, make your bed, put away all clutter, vacuum and dust." 

So this scenario should have a happy ending, right?  No, not necessarily. It's a good start.  Mom has identified the behavior she doesn't like and the emotion she is feeling.  She has identified the need she has that's not being met.  She has made a request that doesn't contain any judgment.  Isn't that enough?  No, there's more.

Using New Ideas and Behaviors in Relationships

Speak Peace in a World of Conflict outlines a whole new way of being in relationships.  Since relationship is at the heart of a wonderful life, maybe exploring new ideas and behaviors is of #1 importance.  So, I'm going to do a series of posts about these new ideas summarized from the book. 

One of the first radical ideas Dr. Rosenberg puts forth is that we are naturally compassionate and naturally are made happy by contributing to other people.  Of course, most of us would say, "What?!! Are you crazy?!! Look around - that's not how people are acting."  We would be right about that.  So he follows up with the idea that for thousands of years we have been educated to enjoy hurting each other.  We are taught to believe that human beings are basically evil, that people are divided into good and bad, and that bad people must be punished.  We are taught that a good life is one where we are the good guys who heroically fight evil people.  So in order to feel good about ourselves, we have to identify the bad guys and punish them. 

We are certainly going to need to feel better about ourselves because we also have been taught to violently criticize and judge ourselves.  Unless we attack other people that we judge as worse than ourselves, we will sink into depression and guilt.  This explains why we have learned to enjoy hurting other people (whom we have judged as the bad guys).  It's the only antidote we have to self-hate!  Naturally, then, the world is going to be divided into warring factions as each person tries to align him/herself with the good guys and fight the bad guys. 

Dr. Rosenberg suggests we think back into our memories of the times we were the most pleased with ourselves and with life in the last week.  He says that most people will think of times when they've done something for someone else and the memory will make them smile.  When I make my gratitude list each day, there's usually something on there that I had the privilege of doing for someone else.  I'm tremendously grateful for learning this truth.  Just to keep things clear, neither I nor Dr. Rosenberg are suggesting huge Mother Theresa self-sacrifice to our own detriment.  Nothing that extreme is necessary for happiness.  Even little things like holding the door open for someone with their hands full, smiling at a child, complimenting a sales person's shirt will add up to a happy day.

All this is quite simple, but there's no denying that it is incredibly difficult.  The mindset of judgment, criticism, hate and blame is deeply ingrained and not easy to root out.  But the payoff is way, way bigger than we can imagine.  Every step in the direction of service to others brings us closer to the life of our dreams.

Speak Peace in a World of Conflict

There's no doubt in my mind whatsoever that creating the life of our dreams is more about our relationships with other people than anything else.  If I achieve all my goals, am amazingly successful, world-famous, wealthy beyond my wildest dreams, and surrounded by admirers, but am lonely and/or at odds with the people closest to me, none of what I've achieved will matter to me.  My wish for us all is to spend at least as much time studying all the GOOD (be careful; not all information is true or good) information we can find about how to have happy, loving friendships - with partners if we have them, our children if we have them, our parents if they're still around, brothers and sisters if we have them, co-workers, bosses, people we supervise, people we serve in our jobs (all jobs serve someone), the people of our communities, organizations we belong to and most of all our friends.

What I've observed in the time I've been observing - which is quite awhile, by the way - is that what most of us do is, by some process we don't even really think about, decide what "the rules" should be and try to get everyone on the planet to follow our rules.  So far, almost no one seems to have figured out that this doesn't work.  Those other people are trying to get us to follow THEIR rules.  So there's constant conflict everywhere, all the time.  Sit in a restaurant sometime and just listen to the conversations around you - it's likely what you will hear is conflict, complaining, blaming, criticizing.  Nobody is getting their way and they are not happy.

If I were to start a crusade - and I've already done enough of that in my life so I probably won't - I'd preach peace in a world of conflict.  In fact, what do you know?  That's a title of a book by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. about non-violent communication.  In the Introduction, Dr. Rosenberg says,  "For most of us the process of bringing about peaceful change begins with working on our own mindsets, on the way we view ourselves and others, on the way we get our needs met.  This basic work is in many ways the most challenging aspect of speaking peace because it requires great honest and openness, developing a certain literacy of expression, and overcoming deeply ingrained learning that emphasizes judgment, fear, obligation, duty, punishment and reward, and shame."

The focus of the book is on making life more wonderful - for both ourselves and others.  Dr. Rosenberg believes, and so do I, that we were created to be lovers and givers and that we are naturally compassionate - happiest when we love, give and are compassionate.  I know it appears that there are a lot of people who enjoy making other people suffer, but I suspect that's because they don't feel worthy and no one is giving them love - or not enough, at least.  I know, I know - that makes me some kind of bleeding heart. But consider  how things are going with the other way of doing things?  What have we got to lose by trying something different?  Unless, of course, our relationships are already peaceful and loving and perfect or we actually do love conflict.

My recommendation is that we just study this information and try it out as an experiment.  Nothing is lost by experimenting with new behavior.  Maybe it will help us get the life of our dreams.

The Invisible Gorilla

I'm reading a book with the above title which refers to an experiment where the subjects were watching a basketball game on video and their assignment was to count the passes between players.  In the middle of the video a person in a gorilla suit walked across the scene.  When asked, only 25% of the subjects even saw the gorilla.  The book covers a variety of similar experiments one of which showed that the more over confident one is, the less capability one has!  Another experiment compared the capability of groups who guessed the number of jelly beans in a jar.  If the group functioned by each member writing down his/her guess and then averaging the guesses in the group, that group did far and away the best - compared to the groups who discussed their guesses.  In the latter group, the most outgoing member usually took control and it was his/her guess that ended up being the group's guess. 

The point that came across to me was that we all should be careful to become knowledgeable before we make decisions.  We may "feel" capable and may even feel more capable after we've consulted someone else, but we may be like most people and have an illusion about our capability and even if we've consulted someone else, it may be that person is no more knowledgeable than we are.  A lot of what we think we know is just opinion and/or familiarity and does not provide us what we need to make good decisions.  An example given in the book was that of a student who has read the material several times that he/she will be tested on.  So, the student is familiar with the material.  The problem is that he/she will not necessarily have understanding of the material which is what the test will measure.

To reach goals that will take us to the life of our dreams, knowledge and understanding of the steps to take are invaluable.  Consulting others is only useful if we're sure they are truly knowledgeable!

Juggling

Adding new activities to our daily routines can be a challenge for many of us since almost all of us are overloaded already.  Sometimes our wishful thinking makes us believe that we can add things without figuring out how they will fit in the time available.  Since we were already stressed, we soon drop these new activities because we become more stressed even though we want very much to do these new and wonderful things.

Creating the life of our dreams requires the "elbow grease" of looking at the hours in the day, how long each activity really takes, and determining where new things could fit.  The first place to look is at the activities that don't really add to our quality of life.  In my case, that would be playing solitaire on the computer.  Now that's not a bad thing, it just doesn't add to the quality of my life.  It serves the purpose of giving my brain and body a rest. 

However, there are more effective ways of resting that really improve the quality of my life.  I've found that lying on my back on the living room rug with earphones on, listening to lovely music, with a scented candle burning, and gently stretching my muscles, refreshes me more than solitaire.  Plus it adds to the quality of my life in a big way.

The next place to look for time is in areas where I could streamline.  I've actually found books that show how to streamline the daily maintenance of homes and other areas of life like errands.  It's amazing how doing a little study ahead of time and doing these chores in an organized way can add hours to the day.

The next place to look is at things I can get help with or delegate all together.  Asking for help or even buying help is often worth it for the hours I can add to my daily life that add to my quality of life.

My favorite time saver is just doing things in a mediocre or sloppy way.  I don't feel bad about this anymore at all.  For example, I clean out closets like this:  I stand in front of the open closet.  I look for things I don't want any more, pull them out and put them in a trash bag.  I put the trash bag in the garage and call one of the charities that pick stuff up.  This whole activity takes about 15 minutes.  I probably miss some stuff.  So what.  In the past I've spent whole days on this type of activity.  I regret that time - it didn't add to my quality of life at all.  I can't tell much difference in my closets now that I don't do that.  When they get too full, I take stuff out and give it away.  I spend a tiny bit of time on it and move on to better things.

There's a lot to be said for the later years in life.  Right now I am appreciating my awareness of how little time I have left to live and I am even more dedicated than ever to making sure every bit of it is used for good!

Thought for the Day

In creating the life of our dreams, we may learn many unexpected things.  For example, "Our true gift to ourselves and others lies not in what we have but who we are."  Marianne Williamson. 

Many of us start out to create the life of our dreams thinking that our possessions, education, social status and other "American dream" goals are the things that will make up the life of our dreams.  The more we succeed at creating these things, the more we may notice that we still don't feel like we have the life of our dreams.  Then we may need to change our focus.  This doesn't mean we've failed; it means we've learned what's really important to us.

Changing

In "The Four Agreements Companion Book," Don Miguel Ruiz (the author) answers a question from a reader.  She asks why it is so hard to change; why she makes progress and then reverts to old behavior.  Don Miguel answers by saying that it's her old agreements (beliefs about herself) that cause this.  There is a part of her (he calls it the parasite) that wants her to stay the same, to stay miserable.  The parasite tells her she is not worth being happy.  These beliefs or agreements as Don Miguel calls them, were learned in childhood.  It's not easy to change them but it's worth it. 

I believe this is why change - especially positive change is so hard for all of us.  These are the biggest barriers we have to creating the life of our dreams.  Changing our beliefs about ourselves that we learned in childhood may be the most difficult task we will ever have in life.  Don Miguel says in "The Four Agreements" that there are no guarantees that we will fully accomplish this task in our lifetime.  He says it's a war we should fight anyway.  He calls those of us who make this commitment to ourselves, "warriors." 

What else have we got to do with the rest of our lives anyway?  Let's be warriors and have the courage to fight for the life of our dreams.

Disappointments, Mistakes, Setbacks and Other Disasters

Guess what - you are going to run into problems on the way to the life of your dreams and even after you've acheived the life of your dreams, there will be difficulties.  On the way to an important appointment, you'll run over something in the street and blow a tire.  You'll fall in love with someone who isn't who she/he says he/she is.  You'll make a mistake and lose an important client.  You'll get the flu right in the middle of a much anticipated cruise.  Getting the life of your dreams will not mean smooth sailing all the time. 

So - what to do?  Recent research suggests that happy people who are living the life of their dreams aren't bothered very much by "disasters."   They make use of them.  They learn from them.  They look for the gifts in them.  They look to see if they need to make changes in their lives.  They learn to "go with the flow" instead of expecting everything to go well all the time.  They try to find the fun in everything. 

I saw an Oprah show several years ago about people who were turning disasters into good experiences as best they could.  One woman had been diagnosed with cancer and was having chemo.  She knew she was going to lose her hair.  So her husband, her friends and she went to the barber shop and they all had their heads shaved.  Her friends took turns taking her to chemo. They chose books they wanted to read and whichever friend took her to chemo read to her while she was having it and if she was sick they kept reading.  This plan turned a difficult experience in an opportunity to share with her friends.  Of course, having cancer and chemo isn't fun, but planning enjoyment along with difficulty sure makes things a lot better! 

I hope none of us has to deal with cancer and the setbacks are only such things as flat tires, but the same principle applies.  Why not find ways to enjoyment no matter what?

Theme Song

Here are the lyrics to a song performed by Lee Ann Womack that could be our theme song on our journey to the life of our dreams:

I hope you hever lose your sense of wonder; get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger.  May you never take one single breath for granted; God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed. 

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean; whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens.  Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...

I hope you dance; I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, never settle for the path of least resistance. livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin.'  Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth making'.  Don't let some broken heart leave you bitter; when you come close to sellin' out...reconsider.  Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...

I hope you dance; I hope you dance.

When Nothing is Going Right

You had a flat tire on the way home from work. You put clothes in the washer before you went to bed and when you got up the washing machine had not washed them. The cat threw up right in the middle of the living room rug and everyone coming and going stepped in it and tracked it everywhere. The phone calls you made to get your project started came to nothing. Either they weren't interested or they just didn't call back. So...perhaps it's a sign from the universe that it's time for you to take a break. Get some extra sleep. Eat a bunch of vegetables and fruit. Read a book that's an easy read. Go to a light-hearted movie. I read somewhere once that when nothing is going right, it's the universe trying to distract us because something wonderful is about to happen and it doesn't want us to interfere!

The Shadow

I hope you know that all of us have a shadow side and that that side of us does not want us to have the life of our dreams. This shadow has been called a lot of things - the gremlin, the judge, the parasite, etc., but it's the part of us that incessantly criticizes us, puts us down, discourages us, and makes us believe there's no way we could ever have the life of our dreams. A lot of us are unconscious of this side of ourselves - well, it's not really part of us in the sense that the shadow is the real us. It grew in us (like a parasite) through what we heard as children. Some of us think it is our conscience, but that definitely is not the case.

The first thing we need to do to deal with the shadow is to become aware of it. When you feel stuck, go inside and listen to your thoughts. What are you telling yourself? It may help you to distinguish the shadow from other thoughts to just pick out the put-downs and discouraging words. Take a good look and notice that there's no truth to them. Of course we are all imperfect, but there's no way you should believe what the shadow is telling you. Substitute truth such as, "I can do this." "I deserve this."

Keep working at becoming aware of the shadow thoughts that are holding you back and learn to fight back. You can and will have the life of your dreams!

How to Cook a Wolf

There's a whining at the threshold -

There's a scratching at the floor -

To work! To work! In Heaven's name!

The wolf is at the door!

- Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Ups and downs in the economy come in cycles. I don't know why we haven't noticed this and acted accordingly, but we don't. The above was written during the Great Depression, and I found it in SIMPLE ABUNDANCE by Sarah Ban Reathnach who wrote it in 1995 when the economy was in another downturn and people were being laid off in droves (they called it "downsizing"). She wrote a book - a nice thick one too - about how to have a wonderful life without spending much money. The book, HOW TO COOK A WOLF, was written by Mary Frances Kennedy Fisher during the worst of the World War II food shortages. Her advice was to weed out desires, leaving just "holy hungers." Then she suggests putting our energy into satisfying those hungers. To me that would mean getting a couple of dead ripe tomatoes at the farmer's market and having them for lunch with nothing but a piece or two of cheese. The life of our dreams can be made up of day after day of these little joyful things.

Food

"By the time you have reached your fortith birthday, you will have eaten about 50,000 meals and spent over 50,000 hours in a food-related atmosphere! We have to eat to live, so why not make it one of the simplest pleasures in life - beautiful and memorable as well as delicious? I believe the quality of the food we treat ourselves to and the elegance of the food ritual sends out a signal about how important we think we are, a signal to our inner selves and to others." - Alexandra Stoddard. "Living a Beautiful Life."

This is great advice. The trouble is, more and more of us are living alone and have somehow come to believe that unless we're eating with someone else, caring about elegance is self-indulgent or just plain nuts. More and more of us are way, way too busy (we think) to care this much about what and how we eat. I think that's wrong. If we want to have the life of our dreams, a great place to start is by treating ourselves like we're worth having it - especially in the areas where we spend the most time.

Alexandra has a whole chapter of suggestions. She begins with the kitchen - the environment most of us eat in on a regular basis. Here are some of her suggestions: 1) Take everything off the counters and determine whether you really need for those items to be sitting out. The more clear your kitchen is, the more beautiful it is. 2) The kitchen is a great place to grow plants and the plants add to the environment. Also, an indoor garden of herbs and flowers can really add beauty. 3) Now that modern ventilation keeps kitchens from becoming greasy, hanging art work on the walls is easy. These are pieces that you will look at every day, so they should be things that are ver special to you.

If you think this is crazy, why not just try a few things to see how it makes you feel. If they don't make you feel like you're living the life of your dreams, let it go. But I would be willing to be you will feel pretty special.

Journey

"Life is not a journey to arrive at the grave well-rested and well-kept, but...rather to slide in sideways exclaiming "Holy Shit! What a ride!"

How's your life? Do you think this is what you'll say on your death bed? Do you want to say that on your death bed? What do you want to say?

A Beautiful Life

"...make the daily 95 percent of your life wonderful." - Alexandra Stoddard. Living a Beautiful Life.

This wonderful lady has written a whole book filled with ideas for making everyday life wonderful and beautiful. She suggests creating "rituals" for patterns we can create in our daily living that uplift the way we do ordinary things. Here are some of her ideas:

- Line the inside of your closet door with art postcards. Get dressed with art.
- Mark new seasons with childhood reminiscences: In spring, fly a kite; in fall rake leaves and go
hiking; in summer make a sand castle; in winter go for a walk in newly falling snow.
- Burn calories when you tidy up and clean. Put on exercise clothes and running shoes. Play
jazzy music and hustle to get it done.
-Fresh flowers, scented candles, and beautiful colors in all the rooms of your house will give you pleasure wherever you are and no matter what you're doing.

The Joy of Doing Scary, Boring Stuff

Creating the life of our dreams usually entails doing some things we don't want to do at all. It wouldn't be much as a dream life if we were constantly worried about the IRS, our bank balances, late payments on bills. So, getting those things done even if it means getting help to do them can give us a more peaceful reality as well as more time to think about what we really want. Getting help is key if we find ourselves procrastinating. But there are more things we can do. Why not take care of these things with our favorite music playing in the background? Maybe we could have a lovely coffee drink too. Maybe right after we finish we can go to a movie we've been wanting to see. Having a really nice pen to use to do those things can help. Designing a work space that lends itself to the task is another help. Is the work space comfortable, pleasant, tidy, have adequate light, etc.?

The last thing we want on this life journey is a bunch of undone things that hang around in our minds causing us anxiety.

Acceptance

So how do you go about enjoying life when your environment and/or the people in your life are not the way you want them to be? It's the riddle of the universe, right? No, actually it isn't. Centuries ago, wise people found the answer to this question, told people, wrote books, etc. The answer is, of course, acceptance.

So, how do you do that? Well, let's pretend you're outside and the temperature is 102 degrees. If your mind does what most mind's do, you start thinking about how hot it is and how miserable you are. You notice how much you're sweating and how much you hate how you feel. If anybody else is around, you complain to them about how miserable you are and how awful it is. They will usually agree with you, and the two of you can talk about this incessantly. You may have noticed that none of this makes you any less miserable.

OR you could start thinking about the fact that it's always hot in the summer and fighting the weather is a waste of time and energy. You could then think about what you're doing out in the heat - do you have a good reason? If not, get out of the heat. If so, focus on your reason instead of your discomfort while making yourself as comfortable as you can. If you knew you were going to be outside, did you bring a towel to wipe sweat? Did you bring a cloth and some ice to cool off with? Are you wearing a broad brimmed hat to keep your head cool? Can you get in the shade?

If you're only outside while you're walking from an air-conditioned building to your car, ask yourself if you really are so wimpy that you can't take a few seconds of heat. Have you ever sat in a sauna to open your pores? Maybe you can use this few moments of heat for the good it can do your body - just like a sauna. Maybe you're dreading getting in the hot car. Do you have a sunshield for your car? Did you crack a window? Did you look for a shady place to park? Maybe you could start your car, go back inside and wait until the air-conditioning cools the car a bit.

Summary - Acceptance means not fighting the things you have no control over and doing the things you can to make the situation better (or even using the situation for good).

You can't really have the life of your dreams if you can't be happy when things aren't going your way. In life things will frequently not go your way. Don't wait to be happy; be happy anyway!

Who are you really?

It may be that from time to time you get stuck and aren't taking the actions you need to take to create the life of your dreams. It's hard to work toward long term goals because our brains are programmed to seek rewards instantly. So, from time to time we will probably need to take some kind of action to remind ourselves of why we're doing all this.

Maybe it would help to take another day off. On this day, dress differently than you usually do, eat something that appeals to you that you've never tried before, speak to strangers that look interesting, take a different route, take a different approach to a task, or try anything else that's different than you usually do.

This is another way to practice noticing who you really are and what you really enjoy, and by discovering yourself, you motivate yourself to take the sometimes difficult, sometimes boring actions that are necessary to reach the life of your dreams.

The Environment of the Life of Your Dreams

Can you enjoy the life of your dreams when it's 105 degrees outside? How about 3 degrees below zero? What if your life partner is doing something you absolutely hate? What if your boss has assigned you a job you really don't want to do? What if you're allergic to chocolate, you ate some anyway and now your stomach really hurts? How about if you're stuck in traffic and are going to be late to an important meeting?

None of these things except the chocolate is under your control. Even the chocolate is out of your control now. So....where did the life of your dreams go? Actually it didn't leave. Your attitude just changed. In this present time, it is extremely common for all of us to use our time to complain bitterly about circumstances we don't like. It's a deeply ingrained habit. We seem to think that griping will make it better just like when we were babies and screamed in our beds and our mothers came and made whatever it was better.

The thing is we're not babies now. Even if our mothers could come and help us out, a lot of things would be out of her control too. Maybe we had better learn to stop griping and accept the things we can't change. Even better, maybe we could learn to love some of them!

A day off...

When was the last time you took a day off? I mean an actual day off. I mean the kind where you don't even do the dishes. In order to have the life of your dreams, a lot of these days off are required. I suggest that when you've had a cup of coffee, you sit in your chair and ask yourself what you want to do right at that moment. Then do that. When you've finished, sit in your chair and ask yourself what you want to do next and then do that. And so forth. See what happens. Nothing bad will happen. It's only for one day. All the chores will wait. Everything will wait one day while you get in touch with what you really want, moment by moment. See if you can get in touch with your heart in the moment. Your life isn't in the future or the past anyway. This kind of day off is practicing for getting better and better at living your real life as the real you.

Practice

Right after you get all the information you need to take the first step in creating a component of the life of your dreams, you run into a scary obstacle. You don't know how to do it because you've never done it before. This is a great recipe for procrastination because everytime you think about taking this next step, the fear comes up, and you start doing something else. Guess what! There's a very easy way to practice without having any fear of screwing up. Sitting quietly in your favorite chair, imagine yourself taking the next step. Imagine all the ways you could mess up because you've never done it before. Then imagine all the ways you could avoid these mess ups. See if you need more information. If not, then you have practiced without bad consequences for mess ups and you are ready to take the step for real. You have prepared yourself to avoid problems and will probably sail through the experience successfully.

Passion

What happens after you've created the life of your dreams? Some successful people say that in time they get a little bored. It may be that it's time to set new goals that fill your heart with passion. Or it may be time to give back to the world some of what it's given you. Could you help 10 people get the life of their dreams? Maybe it's time to find ways to grow as a human being. Maybe it's time to become a spiritual seeker. If you've created the life of your dreams, you've learned a lot. Why not write the story of how you did it?

Foundations

A big barrier to reaching the life of our dreams is not taking care of our basic needs. We may be excited about what we're creating - so much so that we start thinking that basic stuff is irrelevant. But it certainly is not. How are we doing with sleep, food, fun, people, spirituality. Is the house clean, the refrigerator cleaned out and the laundry done? When was the last check up you had? Are your finances in order? Without these basics we start to feel tired, overwhelmed and like the life of our dreams is just impossible. The basics are our foundation. The life of our dreams can start from the place of taking great care of ourselves at the basic level.

You Must Have What You Want!

Yes I know - you learned to be a giver. But keeping the house perfectly is not something you're going to feel wonderful about on your death bed nor is it something they will say about you at your funeral. I know - I've mentioned this thing about your funeral/death bed before and it seems pretty morbid. But the thing is, if you don't focus on the life of your dreams now, when will you focus on it? I know - you don't have time, and maybe some people will not be happy if you stop doing some of the things you've been doing that take up the time you could use to take steps toward the life of your dreams, but you really must have what you want!

Prioritizing

In order to prioritize, I find I have to spend time with my heart plus the Force for Good in the universe before I know what I truly believe is important. As I've said in previous posts, I believe that all of us have a to-do list based on what we think other people expect of us. That list is completely useless. Worse than that, it's poisonous. If you're like me, you will just resist and think up all kinds of excuses not to do anything on that list.

When I say spending time, I mean clearing space on my schedule to ask my heart what really matters - today and in my life in general. If that seems to be really hard, I know I've been sucked into the "other people's" to do list!

This practice isn't something that I can do once and I'm finished. It's really a practice for every day because it's the way to make every day count.

Another "not-to-do" llist

Make a list of your obligations and responsibilities. Don't leave anything out. Now check off all the stuff you would not do if you were going to die in 6 months! You see you might die in 6 months. Or sooner. So why not quit doing unncessary stuff now and get the life of your dreams?

Change

I have a brand new computer, monitor, keyboard, mouse and printer. I'm back online. So, now I get to learn all the new stuff. It is a big relief to be able to Google something and have it come up instantly since my old computer was so slow I almost had to go to the grocery store while waiting for it to come up! I'm just about finished with getting all the broken stuff fixed in the house, although some of it turns out not to be fixable. Technology is great, but I hate feeling so helpless and incompetent when it doesn't work.

Procrastination

Oh dear! The enemy of all personal progress - PROCRASTINATION! The only way to overcome procrastination is will power - right? No, no, no! Absolutely not. The answer is to embrace it. You need procrastination for the soothing of your soul and the energy it provides for creativity. Wasting time is not really wasting time. The trick is to schedule it so that you have free time to look forward to. Mark off a bit of time in your calendar every day and use half of it for working on creating the life of your dreams and the other half for whatever (mindless t.v., romance novels, watching squirrels). Be disciplined about goofing off. If you aren't, you're just asking for procrastination to de-rail your progress.

Finances

We aren't born knowing how to handle money. Many of us didn't learn when we were children. Unless we made it our business to learn the principles and skills of personal finance, we probably are still going by what we picked up from the popular culture. If that's so, we are most likely operating on the principle that the object of personal finance is to have as much money and high-priced stuff as possible - whether any of it has anything to do with the life of our dreams or not.

Having learned about personal finance late in my life, I'm a great proponent of tracking income and outgo down to the penny every single day. I know - that sounds really anal. On the other hand, if I were working for any business, that would be required of me because it's very good business practice. If it's good business practice for someone else, why would I want to shortchange myself? The point of all that tracking is to make sure my money goes where I choose and not where my subconscious chooses (which is probably based on what I saw on t.v. or what I saw someone else had).

Once the habit of taking care of my money like I am a business (which I am) is well established, it only takes a minute at the end of the day to check and see whether the money in my pocket is the same as it shows on my records for the day. If I wrote any checks, they should be recorded in my checkbook register. If I charged anything, I should have the receipt. If I spent cash, I wrote that down on an index card.

Day by day, by keeping daily track of my money, I am aware and totally conscious of where my money goes. Often I notice that I spent little dabs on money unconsciously and when those little dabs are added up at the end of the month, I would have had a big start on a big vacation! The more I'm aware, the more I spend money according to my actual wishes!

Overwhelm

Another one of the barriers to creating the life of your dreams is to look at your goals and simply freak out. I think that most people in this time have WAY too much to do anyway and overwhelm is epidemic. Difficult as it may seem, there's a simple answer to this problem: make a list, prioritize the list, break down each task into smaller parts, prioritize those parts and begin at the top of the list. Keep going. It works.

Problem - Lack of Money

One of the most famous excuses is that you can't do what you want to do because you don't have enough money. By now, if you've asked people to help you with brainstorming, you have at least a small circle of friends you can ask for help. You don't need to ask them for money. All you need to do is take your list of what you need and ask them for ideas. There's a good chance you will find what you need for free or at least very cheaply. I know someone, for example, who lived in a huge furnished house for a couple of years, rent and utilities free, because the owners had moved out of town and needed someone to stay in the house until it sold. He needed a place to live inexpensively until he paid off his debts. Both people got what they needed. By the time the house sold, he had paid off his debts. Everyone was happy. Don't be afraid to ask for help instead of being stuck in your excuse of lacking money.

Mental Clutter

What kinds of things are on your mental to-do list that you haven't taken care of? Do you think about them from time to time and your heart sinks? Do you feel just a little bit guilty or anxious when you think about them? If so, those thoughts are stealing your energy and your ability to move forward with creating the life of your dreams. Here are some of the things that are on a lot of people's to-do lists, that they know they should have done a long time ago but just haven't gotten around to it:

. Making a will.
. Saving enough for an emergency fund.
. Getting a Power of Attorney so that someone can take care of your business if you are
incapacitated.
. Getting an Advance Directive so that your family will know your wishes in case you are dying and can't say what you want.
. Paying off your debts.

You aren't alone. No one really WANTS to do this stuff. But we know we should. And we feel bad about it. But we don't do it. So, make this the year that you get this stuff out of your head and accomplished. You will feel like a truly grown up, responsible person. You will love that feeling. And you will love the sudden burst of energy you will get when you check that stuff off your list!

Spring

All the commercials are revving us up for spring. But instead of going out and buying everything they're selling, let's clean out clutter instead. If you have closet, garage, drawer and kitchen clutter, spring is always a good time for getting rid of it. It's warm enough to be outside when taking trash to the trash. However, the solid trash is probably not as important as getting rid of the mental and emotional clutter. I don't know about you, but the things on my to-do list that have been there for a long time, take up space in my mind and heart, not leaving enough room for creating the life of my dreams. When I get stuck and am not moving forward, sometimes clutter is the reason. It's worth taking time in the spring to make sure clutter is gone, which leaves room for creativity.

Ceremonies

I believe that each important activity of our lives deserves a ceremony of some kind. We seem to have been created to create ceremonies to mark importance, and there are literally thousands of ceremonies of all kinds in the world to prove me right about this. I also believe that creating a ceremony to mark our beginnings in creating a life of our dreams helps us stay motivated, remember our commitment to ourselves and upbeat through the hard times of the journey to the life of our dreams.

Some ideas for ceremonies: Personally I like parties. Why not invite some of the folks that you've asked for ideas and help to a party to mark the "kick off" of your journey? Or if you prefer a solitary ceremony (I don't advise this unless it's in addition to the public ceremony), you might light a candle and say a prayer. In any case, having a way to begin the actions you're going to take will help keep your commitment to yourself real.

What do you need?

To find out what you need, ask yourself all the questions that are running around in your head - how will I have the time, I don't know how to begin, I don't know how much it will cost or how to get the money. Your "brainstormers" may know the answers. Maybe you've written a big pile of poetry that someone told you might be publishable. How in the world would you find out how to go about trying that? Well, somebody in your group may know somebody, who knows somebody. People resources are amazing.

Brainstorming follow up

I just watched a special on PBS on happiness. The one thing research has shown for sure is that without people we love in our lives, we are not going to be happy. It also appears to be true that we were created to help each other. We enjoy it. It feels really good to know that you've had a part in making someone else's life better. After you've asked your brainstorming group for ideas, it's likely that they will be ready to do some more. No telling what they will come up with - maybe contacts for you, maybe equipment for your project, maybe funding sources. You can invite your brainstorming people to a party and/or include some other people you and they have thought of for the next steps. By this time, though, you should have a list of what you need ready. Next post: how to make the list.

Brainstorming

Brainstorming is one of the major keys to getting to the life of our dreams. I love brainstorming. I love the creativity of it. I love the way it brings people together. I love how it brings out brilliant ideas no one would have even dreamed of.

The main thing to remember about brainstorming is that there is to be no criticism. (I love that part too.) Everyone just throws out ideas, and the more "out there" they are, the more fun the participants have. No one says things like, "That's stupid." or "That won't work." The only objective is to get as many ideas on paper as possible - everyone using their right brains. This part requires a secretary or recorder to put the ideas up on big sheets of paper. When everyone has completely run out of ideas, then comes the left brain part:

Each person then picks out the top 3 or top 5 or top 10 or whatever that they think have the best chance of working. Then the group compares the ideas each has chosen. The ideas that get the most "votes" are the ones that typically will be used. However, it's a good idea to look at the ones that weren't chosen to see if there's anything useful in them. For example, if you want to go to medical school but have no money, one idea would be to stand on a street corner with a sign asking for contributions. That's probably not something you're going to do. BUT you might take from that idea that you might be able to create your own scholarship but looking into funding sources you might not have thought of.

Finally, the good part of brainstorming at the end, is that the folks you've assembled for brainstorming might very well want to stick around and help you some more. They may know people who know people who know people who can help you. Yes, brainstorming is a great way to get started with creating the life of your dreams.

Don't Do It Yourself

No one who succeeds in building the life of his/her dreams did it all alone. I'm stating that as an absolute fact and defy anyone to challenge me with an example of someone who is an exception. So...let's just start out with believing that "doing it yourself" is not an option. The next thing is to build a support system. The folks you choose do not have to know anything about what you're trying to accomplish. They do need to be positive people who care about you and want you to have the life of your dreams. One way to get started is to have a brainstorming session with a few people to get ideas about how to proceed. Brainstorming is fun so it could be a party. Next post will be a description of how to do a fun brainstorming session.

Genius

If someone asked you if you were a genius, would you say "no?" I'm going to guess that you would. Who would you name as a genius? Albert Einstein? Did you know that his first wife (who was with him when he came up with the theory of relativity), was also a physicist? Did you know that she looked things up for him, typed his papers and checked his math? I'll bet you didn't. It's interesting to check out people who are considered top of the line in achievement and "smarts." It seems that all of them had some kind of fabulous support system in place. You might be a genius if you had all that in place. In fact, I'm sure you would be. So - how can you get a support system like that? More on this next post.

Begin with the End in Mind

Similar to the "working backward" concept, is Stephen Covey's habit of beginning with the end in mind. He suggests that we imagine ourselves at our own funeral and think about what we would want people to say about us. I tried that exercise with a group once and a couple of people had had recent losses of people close to them. It was an emotional time for the group, but it brought us back to the reality of all our lives - we don't know how long we have left on the earth, so what do we want to have done with our lives.

I seriously doubt that we will wish we had spent more time at work, or bought more cars and clothes, or collected more jewelry. I'm going to guess that we would want to have loved more people and loved them more deeply. I'm guessing we would want to have developed and used our unique talents and shared them with the world in some way. I'm also guessing that we would want to have contributed to making the world a better place so that our lives would matter.

I know, I know. This is awfully lofty stuff. But isn't it better to think about it now rather than on our death beds?