Dealing with Conflict on a Personal Basis

More on "Speak Peace in a World of Conflict:"

What kind of conflict could we assume is the most common?  I think it could be boiled down to: Someone-is-doing-something-I-don't-like.  Of course, we could also say that the person isn't doing what we want or that the person is doing something that hurts us, or doing something wrong,etc.  BUT the first sentence could easily sum up most personal conflicts.  What many of us do at that point is explain to the person how wrong he or she is and demand that they stop doing what they're doing and do what we want instead.  Guess what?!  In case, you haven't noticed, that almost never works. 

If it does work, it's only temporary and it's usually because we have the power to hurt the person in some way so he or she is afraid not to do what we want (at least as long as we're watching).  This situation usually progresses to the person eventually reverting to his/her former behavior and then finding some way to retaliate.  Good grief!  Now we've got a war going on.  Since I believe every single one of us has experienced being on one side or the other of conflict with another human, I shouldn't have to explain in detail what the future holds - more conflict, followed by more conflict, sometimes interspersed with truces.  What a way to live!  There's got to be a better way.

Well, there is another way but it means a lot of work for us - NOT for other people.  First of all our job will be to get acquainted with our emotions, our hearts, our true desires.  This will not be easy because we have been educated to always look outside ourselves when we're uncomfortable to see who or what is the problem.  Our new way will be to look inside and see what our emotions are and what our needs are that are not being met.  Sound easy?  Well, forget that.  It's hard.  We have years of education to overcome.  Then we must learn to communicate our feelings and needs to other people - WITHOUT even implying a little bit - any judgment of them.

Parents have lots of opportunities to practice this.  Example:  1)  Identify the behavior that's bothering you:  My daughter won't clean her room.  2)  How do you feel when this happens?  Answering this can be a problem for a lot of us.  "I feel she is lazy."  No.  That's a judgment not a feeling.  "I feel she is wrong."  There you go again.  This type of interaction makes the daughter feel attacked and what usually happens is that the daughter will counter attack and defend. 

Surely we must know this is going to happen.  But we keep doing it anyway.  Why do we keep doing what doesn't work and makes us unhappy?  Because we have been educated to see everything in terms of right and wrong and to believe that our job is to make them hate themselves for what they've done, which, theoretically will make them feel so bad they will change their ways.  We are waiting for them to say, "You're right.  I am soooo sorry.  I will change."  Oh this is so sad.  Have we ever, ever, ever heard anybody say that after we've "straightened them out?"

So what about the parent whose daughter doesn't clean up her room?  What might she be feeling?  For sure it would not be a good idea for her to say, "When you don't clean up your room, it hurts me."  That's just another way to manipulate - trying to induce guilt as a motivator.  That doesn't work either.  So maybe what she's feeling is frustration or sadness or anger.  In any case, one word describing an emotion rather than a demand or a judgment is what's needed.

Now comes another hard part - what need does Mom have that's not being met?  Let's be honest.  Maybe Mom is a control freak that just wants her kids to do what she says with no argument.  Let's also hope that she knows this desire isn't likely to be met and in actuality isn't the kind of relationship she truly wants with her children.  Maybe her true need is for order and beauty in her home and for help and cooperation in meeting that need.  Even a teenage daughter might be able to see that as a legitimate need her mother has that would give her a more wonderful life.  Then, it will be necessary to be very clear about the request.  "Clean your room," is clear to Mom, but maybe not to the daughter.  A better request would be:  "Please take your trash out, your laundry to the laundry room, change your sheets, make your bed, put away all clutter, vacuum and dust." 

So this scenario should have a happy ending, right?  No, not necessarily. It's a good start.  Mom has identified the behavior she doesn't like and the emotion she is feeling.  She has identified the need she has that's not being met.  She has made a request that doesn't contain any judgment.  Isn't that enough?  No, there's more.