Responding to Others

More from "Speak Peace in a World of Conflict"

Looking into ourselves and identifying honestly what we're feeling and what need we are trying to meet is the first step in "speaking peace."  But then comes the other half - learning to respond to other people's communications in a loving way so as to discover what they're feeling and what needs they're trying to meet.  There's a good chance they've not been studying how to speak peace so we're going to have to guess what they're saying without judging them.  WAY easier said than done.  It doesn't mean trying to understand them with our minds; it means the understanding of the heart.  Begin by being in the moment with the person.  Next resolve to take nothing they say personally.  Then imagine what you might be feeling and what need you might be trying to meet by saying what they are saying.

For example, suppose your spouse says to you, "You never have any time for me!"  You know you spend several hours a day with her so your impulse might be to say, "That's not true.  We spend a lot of time together every day."  So how do you think it will go from there?  Maybe a full-fledged argument about which of you is lying about the amount of time spent together.  Will either of your needs get met?  Not too likely in my opinion.  What if you said, "Wow! I'm sorry to hear you feel that way.  Are you saying you want to spend more time with me?  I love that.  I'd like to spend more time with you too.  When and how would you like to do that?"  Maybe that conversation would be more likely to meet both of your needs and make your lives more wonderful.