Communicating with Ourselves

More on "Speak Peace in a World of Conflict"

Think of a mistake you made recently and remember what you told yourself at the moment you regretted it.  Was it something like, "I'm a bad, stupid person.  How could I have done that?  What's wrong with me?"  This is the way most of us talk to ourselves when we make mistakes, and we learned it from the people who educated us when we made mistakes - blame, attack, etc.  Dr. Rosenberg thinks we all go through life more than a little depressed from talking to ourselves like this when we make mistakes.  This is not a way to a more wonderful life!

Working from the concept that everything we (and everybody else) do is for the purpose of meeting a need, what need were we trying to meet when we made that mistake?  It may take some thinking and exploration to identify the need, but once we do we'll probably notice that's it's just sad that we took such a wrong-headed way to meet that need.  Dr. Rosenberg says feeling that sadness and "mourning" our mistake is the way to learning better ways to meet our needs.  We can empathize with ourselves and not lose self-respect.

Let's say I said something that hurt someone's feelings.  I feel terrible and berate myself for the mistake - Why did I say that?  I should have known it would hurt his feelings?  I'm just an insensitive person."   Then I begin to try to find a way to make it the other person's fault - "Well, he shouldn't be so sensitive.  After all, he asked my opinion.  So what if he didn't like it." 

Wait, wait!  Stop!  That's the old way of dealing with mistakes.  Back up and ask myself - What need of mine was I trying to meet when I said that?  I'm probably going to find out that it's complicated.  Maybe I've actually got a resentment about something the person did to me in the past that came out.  Instead of asking for something I wanted (a request, not a demand), I said something hurtful to get even.  Hmmm.  I wasn't even aware of this when I said it.  I can feel my sadness that I hurt someone and that I don't honor my own needs enough to at least ask for what I want from other people.  I can use this insight to begin taking better care of myself and as a result I will be more aware of other people's needs.