Mourning instead of Apologies

More from "Speak Peace in a World of Conflict:"

When we've done something wrong that hurt another person, we're supposed to apologize.  The thing is apology is just another way of acknowledging the paradigm of "right and wrong," "good and bad."  We're still stuck in a place where healing for ourselves and the other person is ignored.  Instead we can communicate how sad we feel when we realize the other person's pain - how we mourn because we see what we have done.  Are we more likely to change our behavior because we're wrong and see ourselves as bad or because we acknowledge the pain we've caused and mourn for our ignorant behavior.  Rosenberg says the latter is what makes change. 

When I really look at things I've done that have hurt other people, I see that I was trying to meet a need, but because I was ignorant and unskilled, I hurt someone in the process.  There are a million or more other ways I could have met my need that would not have hurt someone, but I was never educated to look for those ways.  Often I would get so fearful and frustrated that I just screamed at other people.  I thought they would have to change or I would never get my needs met.  Even now that I know to look for ways to meet my needs that don't require other people to change, it's always hard because I'm fighting all the years that I was educated to do otherwise. 

It's still worth it to be compassionate with myself and the other folks in the world as we try to get our needs met.  We've all been educated to believe that if one person wins, someone else has to lose.  That was never true but we were taught to believe it.  So now we live in a world of constant conflict.  The only way for it to begin to change begins with me.