Simplicity for Christmas

I guess there are some people who sail through the holidays, peacefully, smoothly with joy in their hearts.  They probably buy the perfect gifts for their loved ones.  They love Christmas music no matter how often they hear it.  The incessant advertising doesn't bother them at all.  They have a Christmas card list with hundreds of names and the cards are all ready to mail on December 1st. 

These folks probably also have kids and full time jobs but they are just very well organized and need very little sleep.  Also they have very high energy.  The bills that come in in January don't show any increase because they've saved all year for Christmas and did not run up their credit cards.

 These people have to exist - so many of us are trying to be like them.

So far, though, I've not met anybody that fits the above description. 

As for me, my main problem with the holidays - especially Christmas - is the feeling that I'm failing to do it right; that the presents I buy will not be what they want, etc.  Sometimes Christmas cards went out after Christmas.

I felt like everyone was disappointed - especially when I was a young mother and wanted to please my kids so badly but had so little money that we strung popcorn, cranberries, and paper chains to decorate the Christmas tree.  For a long time I let the sadness I felt at Christmas follow me year after year.

I was raised by schoolteachers which had the effect of teaching me that somewhere, someplace were solutions for my problems.  Since these were the days a way long time before Google, I had to go to the library and ask people.  I began to come up with some solutions from reading books and getting ideas for other people.  I started earlier in the year and put back money.  I talked to my kids about limited resources to let them know they weren't loved less if they didn't get everything they wanted.  I made jokes about being the "grinch." 

Now I've completed a lot of research and have developed a philosophy for myself - not for anybody else - about Christmas which I will share a little of here.  IF you want simplicity at Christmas like I do, you might try some of these things:

*  Make a list of everything you do for Christmas.  Cross out the ones that aren't fun for you and only do the fun things.  If you are sharing the holiday with someone else, have them do the same thing.  You can each do fun things from the other's list.

*  Christmas cards.  Would it be just as much fun to send Valentines instead?

*  To reduce waste and unwanted gifts, try consumables (food, movie tickets, gift cards from their favorite stores and restaurants.)

* Sacks and decorated boxes can simplify wrapping and waste.  The "wrapping" can be used again.

*  Focus on the things you love about Christmas.  For example, I love Christmas music - especially instrumental music.  I have a small collection of favorite CDs and I listen to them in the car.  I attend a church production (free) of the Messiah every year.

Check out simple Christmases on line and get more ideas.  Have fun instead of stress this year.

A Life Built on Intention

A long, long, long time ago I went to a seminar that was extremely unusual.  I had no idea what I was getting into - my neighbor recommended it and since I felt like I was living in hell emotionally I went.  It was definitely a transformative experience as I guess it was for a lot of people.  The thing is, there was no follow up to speak of to help use what we had learned. As a result, like a lot of things, my awareness faded to some sparkles on the background of my life.

Just the other day, though, I heard the word, "intention" which was the center of the seminar's teaching.  I was reminded that my normal way of living was to kind of float through the day or struggle through the day, whichever seems to be the way it had to be.  Of course I had goals that I worked on, but I only thought about "intention" when I was working on those goals.  The seminar taught me to have a CONSCIOUS intention for everything.  All of us have unconscious intentions and those intentions may or may not be in our best interests.  Conscious intentions cause me to give prayerful thought to why I'm doing whatever it is I plan to do.

Questions to answer in order to set an intention:  What is my intention for this day?  What is my intention for the conversation I'm having with_______?  What is my intention for this trip to the grocery store?  And so forth.  It's best if I don't have an intention like, "to get it over with."  Often that's the kind of unconscious intention I have and I don't get that great of results that way.  What if my intention were "to have a peaceful, loving day."  Keeping that intention in mind will bear amazing results.  So will all my thoughtful intentions.

A Secret Experiment of the Every Day

"To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts."  - Henry David Thoreau

Let's take Sarah Ban Breathnach's advice and become "artists of the everyday."  She suggests conducting a secret experiment to see just how much influence we can have on the quality of each day - to try to elevate the simple to the level of sacred. 

Here's a summary of what she discovered:  It doesn't matter what the weather is like (you can still have a quality day), the same is true as to whether there are problems in the day - that doesn't matter either.  What does matter:  if we expect to have a quality day, there's a good chance we will.  An attitude adjustment/shift in perception is all that's needed to turn a lousy day into a quality day.  The next biggest factor is the amount of creativity, love and enthusiasm we put into the day.

Ideas:   Appreciate the small rituals of each day - crossing the threshold on the way out and the way in.  Changing into comfortable clothes, dressing for the day, starting a good book, watching a movie with family, touching glasses in a toast at breakfast to wish each other a quality day.  You can think of many, many more.

What's the Point?

Somewhere in midlife many of us ask ourselves why we're doing everything we're doing.  The point of it all seems to elude us.  Sometimes we're raising children and we see that as the point.  Maybe we're trying to get ahead financially and we see that as the point.  We usually have a long list of "points" as to why we're doing what we're doing.  But we might be unsure as to what the REAL point is.

But what if the point is what Samuel Johnson said, "To be happy at home is the result of all ambition."  That might change our whole outlook.  In thinking about this I had to ask myself - where am I going to be happy if not at home?  If I'm not happy at home, why not?  What do I need to do to be happy at home?  When am I going to get started on making myself (and anyone else who lives here) happy at home?

The answers will vary from person to person.  Some examples might be:  beautiful surroundings, peace and quiet, simplicity, fun things to do, music, children playing, creative activities.  Everyone will have to answer for him/herself.  But isn't it one of the most important questions you could ever answer?

Attitude of Gratitude

I just read something from someone's post on Facebook about some research on the brain.  We used to believe that we were born with all our brain cells and that if we lost some, we never got any back.  The new ways of imaging the brain have taught us that this isn't true.  Some brain studies show that people who practice gratitude as a spiritual practice actually grow a larger part of the brain that's responsible for positive feelings.  Imagine that!   Of course, spiritual gurus have been telling us for centuries that if we focused on the positive, we would be happier, but we weren't paying much attention.  Maybe with all the scientific studies proving this, we'll start paying attention.  Surely if we want to have the life of our dreams, we will need to train ourselves to appreciate the one we have!

How to Cook a Wolf

During downturns in the economy, I like to read Sara Ban Breathmach's Simple Abundance.  She wrote it during the downturn of the 90s and it's stilll valuable today. She refers to "How to Cook a Wolf" by M.F.K. Fisher who wrote that book during the food shortages of World War II.  How quickly we forget that "what goes up, must come down."  We don't make preparations for downturns.  It's as if we think "what goes up, will keep going up."  However, it's wise to prepare for a wolf at the door as part of our plan for the life of our dreams.  Ms. Fisher recommends outsmarting and catching the wolf at at the door and having it for supper.  In other words, expect and be prepared for downturns by living without extravagant indulgences - without even the longing for them.

Freedom from Expectations

This is a day late for Independence Day.  However, in the spirit of independence, I want to share that much of the feeling of bondage I used to have came from my expectations of how things are "supposed" to be.  In recovery groups, it's said that expectations are premeditated resentments.  My expectations kept me from spending time and energy on living the life of my dreams.

Here's the truth I've discovered - expectations come from my ego - my idea of how other people are supposed to behave.  When they don't behave the way I expect, I feel justified in being angry and feeling superior (my ego loves to feel superior).  Never in my life have I ever felt happy and peaceful while feeling superior.   I feel happy and peaceful when I let go of expectations, live from my heart rather than from my ego, and enjoy what is, moment by moment.

" Expect nothing; live frugally on surprise."  -Alice Walker

More on Changing Bad Habits

I'm not sure why changing habits is so hard for us human beings but it is.  I can't be the only one since if you Google "Changing Bad Habits to Good Ones" you will come up with a ton of advice.  When I do research I like to see what all of the advice posts have in common.  Here are some of the major ones that I can vouch for that work:

1.  Research your bad habits - when do you practice them, what do you do right before you practice them, what need are you trying to meet?  Most advice calls this researching your "triggers."  Triggers are what "triggers" the behavior.  For example, my overeating takes place in the evening when I'm not active.  It may be that I'm bored. 

2.  Choose something to replace the trigger and the habit.  Just stopping doing something doesn't work.  There has to be something positive to replace it that satisfies the need.  For example, I can replace my evening overeating with activity - maybe yoga, going for a walk, going out with friends.  Eventually, I may be able to stay home and watch t.v. without overeating, but practicing the replacements willl make it easier when the time comes

3.  Be consistent with using the replacement.  Much of the advice recommends a 30 day trial.  If you miss a day, start the 30 days over.

4.  Put some leverage into the new habit.  Try having people sponsor you - for every day you exercise, for every pound you lose, etc.  Give the money to your favorite charity.  Or vice versa:  Give a trusted friend a sum of money - enough that losing it would hurt.  You only get it back when you've completed the 30 days (consistently).

How to Change Your Bad Habits

Sometimes it seems to me that I have devoted my life to changing my habits.  I can't remember a time when I wasn't working on something, and as I've aged, I find the effort to live more delightfully and consciously immensely entertaining and rewarding.  In the beginning I tried to change out of ego and shame.  I thought I wasn't good enough and wanted to change so as to be able to approve of myself and get approval from other people.  Those motives never really helped me change.  As I've read and practiced and learned, I've found that creating a life of awareness and peace is much more motivating.  So here's a list of some of the ways that have helped me make positive changes in myself:

• Set goals with deadlines but only set goals that are so easy and simple you can't help but reach them.  Baby steps really work.
• Write goals down and look at them every day.
• Never, never, never, ever give up.
• Tell all the supportive people in your life what you're doing and report back to them.
• Find someone or more than one someone who has already made the change you're working on.  Ask them how they did it and do what they did.
• Prepare ahead of time.  If, for example, you want to eat more nutritiously, find receipes and buy the food.
• Expect to be uncomfortable.  Change is uncomfortable.  Make a plan for how you're going to deal with the discomfort.  Examples:  Get plenty of rest - change takes a lot of energy.  Read stuff that inspires you. 
• Expect to be imperfect.  Don't be a slacker but don't quit if you mess up.
• One of the reasons change is difficult is that our egos interpret it as criticism.  Remind yourself of why you're making the change.  Examples, to have more energy, to enjoy life more, to learn new things, to increase peace of mind.

These are just a few of the strategies that I've used that worked.  Do some research of your own.

How to Have a 25 Hour Day

I stole the above title from an email I get from an organization that provides information on health.  It's not the first time I've seen all the hints they published, but they are all things I always forget.  Of course, there are really only 24 hours in every day, but there are tons of ways to make those 24 hours go farther.  For example, if I make soup, I double the recipe and freeze the second portion.  That's one day I don't have to cook and cooking twice as much is only a tiny bit more time consuming than making the original recipe.  I only check email and Facebook twice a day.  I don't drive to the car wash - I just soap my car up when it rains and let the rain rinse it.  (If there's no rain, I just use the hose.)  I do all my errands at once.  (Saves time in running from one place to the next every day).  I return calls once a day.  I ask for help a lot.  People who come to visit are usually asked to help me with something.  (I keep a list of stuff I need help with.)  I open the mail as soon as I carry it in and throw out all the stuff that doesn't require action.  There are probably hundreds, if not thousands of web sites that give ideas for time savers.  If you feel pressed for time, look them up and use the ones that fit for you.

Checking Up on Yourself

Maybe you're like me; maybe you're not.  But the life of my dreams always eluded me because I forgot what it was and what I intended to do to get it.  The daily tasks and events of life completely distracted me from the big picture.  I started reading books on organization because I kept running out of time and couldn't get everything done.  What I learned from those books was that life was not about getting everything done; it was about getting the stuff done that would get me to the life of my dreams. 

The major thing was to get down in writing what I wanted (from my heart; not my ego).  Then that piece of paper needed to be in front of me every day when I made my to-do list for the day.  We're getting closer to the end of May, the 5th month.  So in another month and a week, we'll be half way through the year.  I know where my piece of paper is - it's in the front of my journal where I look at it every day.  Do you know where yours is?  I hope so because if you don't know, there's a good chance you've not been including the things that will get you to the life of your dreams on your to-do list.  So, it's not too late.  Before July 1 - the official halfway point of the year - best get that piece of paper and get going!

The "Not-To-Do" and the "Done" Lists

A whole lot of people make to-do lists.  Personally I hate them even though I make them.  I have a very hyperactive brain and I can think of way more stuff to do than I could possibly do.  My ego thinks I should do everything immediately which used to lead to my feeling frantic, fearful, and feverish.  Then I learned about the not-to-do and the done lists. 

The not-to-do list consists of the stuff I know perfectly well I will not be able to get to today and that don't matter anyway.  Sometimes the stuff on this list is carried over for years.  Sometimes I eventually completely forget about those items.  Every once in awhile after ten years or so, it will be time to take care of them and they make it to the real to-do list and get checked off.  This is extremely rare. 

The done list is the one I make at the end of each day so that I don't go to bed thinking that I got nothing accomplished (which is what my ego tells me, attempting to motivate me to do more the next day).  The done list is part of my daily journaling and helps me keep track of how I'm doing with my priorities. 

My mother used to say all the time that what she wanted was a day with more than 24 hours.  I know now that if I had a day with more than 24 hours, I would just have a longer to-do list.  So I rely on the not-to-do and done lists to keep me sane.

Happy Life or Crappy Life

I wish I had learned about focus earlier in my life, but I'm grateful to have finally learned how vital it is.  Better late than never.  I certainly never learned about focus in school.  I didn't learn it at home from my parents.  I didn't read about it in the newspaper or see it on t.v.  Never read a book about it.  Never heard anyone talk about it in either casual or serious conversations.  I did hear a little about it in terms of dealing with attention deficit disorder since a big part of that disorder is an inability to focus.  But I just assumed that if you didn't have ADD, focus didn't need to be a concern.  And yet it turns out to be one of the most critical pieces of information I needed to create the life of my dreams.

I'm not a big fan of "goals" since so often they're artificial - based on what the culture tells us will give us the life of our dreams and they are largely unconscious.  I know that I just assumed that what I had picked up from the culture was correct - that I would be happy if I worked hard, followed the rules, made money, got married to a guy that was good-looking, smart and law abiding, had kids and raised them right, went to church and kept my hair combed, etc.  This illusion persisted long into my adulthood even though I was noticing as I went along that although I was working as hard as I possibly could to do what I'd been taught, I never felt like I was any closer to the life of my dreams.  I began to suspect there was something wrong somewhere. 

For a long time I thought that other people and the world in general were what stood between me and the life of my dreams.  The culture certainly told me that that was the problem.  Unexpected circumstances provided me with another perspective, though, and I began to realize that it was me that was the barrier.  Then I worked even harder at doing what I had been taught were the "right" things.  Still no feeling of getting closer to the life of my dreams.

Quite a few different experiences accidentally (accidents are God being anonymous) gave me information I needed.  I had a couple of jobs where I designed training materials and delivered the training.  I researched adult learning and found out that adults are not listening 90% of the time.  If you just tell people things they miss most of it and forget the majority of what they do hear.  So just talking is a big waste of time.  I learned to use visual aides, examples, group projects, repetition, pre and post tests, etc. to enhance participants' ability to remember.  Focus - that was what was missing.  People were paying attention to their thoughts rather than the training material.  Apparently that's what we're all doing all the time.  It's a wonder the world works at all!

I also have had the experience of practicing meditation.  It's in the steps of my recovery program.  It's a discipline I've practiced off an on over several years.  I don't really like doing it.  I have to pay attention (focus), and that's really hard.  What meditation has taught me is that my mind is just randomly running thoughts about this and that and none of it really means anything.  Before meditation I thought my thoughts were the same thing as me and that they were always right.  Really though, it's just my brain running on neutral with the purpose of scanning for any possible danger so it can alert me.  Most of the time any danger it comes up with is just so much baloney.  Plus my ego likes to make judgments about other people (which keeps me from thinking judging thoughts about myself) so I can have a pleasant feeling of self-righteousness.  That feels good for awhile and then starts feeling crappy.

I can't even remember how I ran into the concept that we tend to bring into being whatever we think about.  There are whole philosophies and branches of religion that focus on this as the central theme.  There's way more to say about this than this post can handle so I will just say whether you believe in this concept or not, wouldn't it be better to think about things that are positive and helpful rather than think about the negative, useless things we usually think about?  So...I eventually arrived at a place where I made it a central concept to my life to make decisions about what to think about and then work at the discipline of thinking helpful and positive thoughts.  It is true that our thoughts arise without our input, but utilizing focus changes those thoughts into helpful ones.  It's the hardest discipline I've ever tried to bring into being, but I am quite sure it's been the most beneficial!

The Artists Way

Getting rid of the ego's thoughts is one way of getting in touch with what we really want.  The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron is a book written to help artists who are blocked get past the block.  One of the primary tools is the "morning pages" activity.  By rapidly writing three long hand pages every morning, the ego gets its ideas recorded and it finally shuts up so that the creativity of the writer can come to the surface.  If we listen just to our egos, we will always be caught up in the "stuff" that needs to be done in order for us to look good to other people. Stuff like clothes, hair, cars, houses, jewelry, etc.  Of course a certain amount of maintenance is needed to get along in the world, but none of it really contributes to the life of our dreams.  What does contribute to the life of our dreams is the love we give, the fun we have, what we create, the enjoyment we have in the world. 

Cleaning Out the Left Brain

Although I believe the Life of Our Dreams can only be found in the right brain where our intuition resides, it's very, very difficult to get to our right brains when our left brain's inbox is full.  For most of my life I got up in the morning already feeling hassled and behind on GETTING THINGS DONE!  I jumped into my life at a furious pace and fell down exhausted at night.  Finally I came to my senses and began to try to learn what to do to quit living like that.  Quite a journey it's been too. 

There are lots and lots of books and seminars out there about how to get everything done.  I've tried all of it.  And the truth that I discovered is that there is no possible way to get everything done.  I don't know about everybody else's brain, but mine can think up important stuff to do faster than I can work.  So it turns out it's about making choices, about deciding on priorities.  And that has turned out to be incredibly difficult because my left brain doesn't know what's really important.  My ego resides in my left brain and will only be satisfied if I get EVERYTHING done.  So now I'm back to needing to get into my right brain but I can't because of all the stuff hanging out in the inbox of my left brain. 

Finally I learned that the left brain inbox can be emptied onto a piece of paper.  It feels so lovely to write down every single thing my ego thinks I need to do.  Then I go back and write down what I think the outcome of each activity should be.  I store this list both in hard copy and in my data base.  Then there is blessed peace in my head so I can think clearly about what my heart and soul are telling me is really important.

Collages

My favorite way of accessing my right brain is by making simple collages.  I gather up some magazines that have pictures of things I think I might like, put on some upbeat music, and give myself thirty minutes to rip out pictures of anything that appeals to me.  I purposely do not censor myself or think about what I'm looking for.  I'm just on an exploration of what jumps out at me and tugs at my heart when I'm rapidly turning pages in those magazines.  By the end of the 30 minutes I have a big stack of ripped out pages. 

I have on hand some scissors, glue and poster board.  My next step is to take 30 minutes to cut out the pictures I've ripped out and put them on the poster board.  I don't glue them down until I have them looking the way I want them to.  I look at the colors and shapes rather than the content.  I usually have many more pages than I have room for on the poster board so I have to cull out some of the ones that don't seem that pretty or that don't seem to fit in.  During this process I am still not looking at the content of the pictures.  I'm just arranging them in a way that is pleasing to my eye.  Once I'm satisfied with the arrangement, I glue them down.

At this point I let my left brain look at the collage I've made and analyze what my right brain has told me about my heart, soul and creativity.  Sometime it takes me a few days to understand the symbols I've pasted down.  For example, the last collage I made I had put a picture of a giraffe with a flower in it's mouth right at the very center.  I had no earthly idea what that meant.  Much later I thought that giraffe's "stick their necks out" and maybe my right brain was telling me it was time to take some risks.

The "Right" Side of the Brain

There's nothing wrong with the left side of the brain if we use it the way it will work the best for us.  It's great at logic, math, language, figuring things out and reminding us to stop at stop lights.  But our whole culture is based on the left side of the brain - to our detriment.  Our egos live over there in the left side of the brain and work hard to make us believe that our happiness and joy will come from making ourselves look good to other people.  For example, when we pay attention to the thoughts constantly passing through our minds, we will probably notice that our egos are trying hard to convince us that how we look in terms of our appearance, our possessions and our status in society will make us happy.  Maybe you've noticed this in yourself and other people and have also noticed that doing everything "right" doesn't help us be happy.  Rather it tends to make us anxious, on edge, and constantly striving for perfection that's impossible to reach.

On the other hand, the right side of the brain is where wonder, creativity, love, intuition and joy reside.  Getting into the right side of the brain in a world where almost everything is about the left side is a huge challenge.  Nevertheless, it's worth the effort to learn to spend a good part of every day seeking to live from the right side of the brain.  Being in nature and really paying attention: hobbies that access the right side of the brain such as art, poetry, dance; meditation - all these can bring us closer to using our brains in a way that can bring us closer to the life of our dreams.

Knowing What I Really Want

We are living in a world that operates almost completely in the left part of our brains - the part that handles language and reasoning.  Very little of our lives uses the right brain - the emotional side, the intuitive side, and creative side.  Quite a number of scientific studies show that satisfaction and contentment lie in the right side of the brain which we don't seem to use at all in deciding what the life of our dreams would be like.  Our world has told us that more money and stuff will make us happy, but a lot of us are beginning to suspect that we're being lied to so that we will work harder and buy more stuff and make some other folks richer.

According to those studies, loving relationships with people; using our creativity; taking care of our bodies; helping others; companion pets; and cultivating kindness, gratitude and optimism are the things that universally make people happy.  I would add that most people seem to greatly benefit from spending time outside enjoying things that were not made by people.

I've spent a lot of time and energy cultivating all those things and have found that by doing so I've increased my happiness a hundred times over.  I hightly recommend that strategy compared to getting more stuff!

What if...

Goals are nice.  Sometimes they really move us toward the life of our dreams.  Other times, when we achieve them, we realize we still don't have the life of our dreams.  Or we don't do what's needed to reach the goal and we feel like failures and mentally kick ourselves.  Not the best way to get to the life of our dreams. 

It's been said that the purpose of all our efforts is to be happy at home.  The first time I saw that in print, it stopped me in my tracks.  I thought that it could not be possible that that was the purpose of all my efforts.  I tried to refute it but couldn't.  At that point in my life my home was just a "pit stop" where I ate and slept and then ran out the door to get to the next task.  I kind of resented having to clean the place, change the sheets and towels, etc.  It seemed to me that those chores got in the way of my "real life."

The more I thought about it, the more I thought that being happy at home was a worthwhile goal.  Why else did I go to work every day and run all those errands?  Maybe creating a home where I was happy could be a priority!

Christmas is over...

Christmas is over.  So how do we feel about that?  Are we sad because we had such a wonderful time?  Or are we relieved because now we can slow down and relax.  Some super organized people and some devotees of simplicity suggest that now is the perfect time to start planning next year's holidays.  Maybe we could decide now how we want them to be and start now making plans for that to happen.  Of course, we don't have complete control of things like weather, accidents, illnesses, people losing jobs, etc. that can drastically change everything, but we could begin to develop a general idea of what the best part of the holidays is for us.  For some it's the food.  For some it's family and friends.  For some it's parties.  Whatever our favorite part is, maybe we could spend some time thinking about how we could reduce the difficulties and increase what we love.  We may have more power over how things go than we think!

Emotion

I recently read that emotion is much stronger than rationality, and I know it to be true.  Working toward the life of our dreams is fraught with the pitfalls of too much emotionality and too much rationality.  Our emotions tell us about the dreams of our hearts and our rationality tells us how to get there.  It's not that simple, though.  Underneath all that are the buried sorrows, fears and disappointments that can derail our plans.  So, often, the journey to the life of our dreams has to take side trips to discover the burial grounds for past pain lest it permanently derail the trip.  Professional help of the right kind can be key to the process.