Problem solving 101 continued again

Steve Pavlina (StevePavlina.com) believes that all problems on a personal level stem from lack of alignment with three universal principles - truth, love and power. For example, if you are having a problem it may be caused by lack of honesty with yourself - denial. Or you may have created the problem by being unloving or by denying your power by making excuses for why you're having the problem. I love the simplicity of this. Of course, that's because I truly believe that I am responsible for my life. My creator gave me life and the tools to live it. Anything else I say about it is just bulls..t! Taking total responsibility for my life (with the help of the force for good in the universe that created me and sustains me) is the key to being able to create the life of my dreams. Try running your problems through the filter of these three principles. See if telling yourself the truth, acting with love, and using your power instead of whining will make short work of whatever problem you have.

Problem Solving 101 continued

After stopping the impulse to find out who is to blame for a problem, you are ready to actually work on solving it. The easiest problems to solve are the ones that don't involve people and their emotions, of course. But even those are usually solvable. The first step is to envision what you (and everyone involved, really) wants to have happen instead of what has or is happening. Without some kind of vision that everyone can agree on, nothing will happen. There has to be a goal.

So often we all live in the problems we have instead of in the solutions. Listen to married couples bickering about how to spend their time or their money. Listen to them criticize each other. Most of the time this negative behavior is based on a lack of ability to problem solve. They are looking at the same problem, over and over, every day, instead of talking about what they would both like for their lives. And if asked what they want, they would probably tell you what they don't want - which would involve the other person making all the changes. Of course that never works. Getting their heads out of the blame game is vital. Otherwise their intelligence and creativity can't possibly be used to create something wonderful.

Once there's a vision or a goal, then ideas for getting there can be generated. This part is the tricky part - especially if there's more than one person involved. It seems there are an infinite number of ways to solve a problem. Luckily, if all parties can get and keep an open mind instead of arguing, some excellent possible solutions can be generated. And none of the potential solutions have to be "all or nothing." It's possible to carve out parts of solutions, tie them together and try them out. Because I'm a good problem solver, I love this part. It's creative and it's actually possible to have some fun. I'm a big fan of research too. Somewhere in the world other people have had this same problem and solved it. Some of their solutions, tweaked a bit, might be useful.

Problem Solving 101

The first thing to know about problem solving is that it is NOT about finding out whose fault it is. From observing people at work over the years and in various other situations, it seems that the first thing people think of when faced with a problem is looking for who caused the problem.

Recently I've noticed it with the people I work with in trying to solve problems my son with disabilities has at his workplace. It really saddens me that when I ask questions to try to discover what's going on, they get really defensive as though they think I'm trying to blame them for not doing things right. Truly, all I want to know is specifics about what he's doing that's a problem. This mindset - if there's a problem, the way to solve it is to blame somebody - is rampant at all levels - from government to the workplace to the kitchen table. Where in the world did this come from? I have no idea.

It's very frustrating for an expert problem solver like me - and I am really, really good at it - because it takes so long to calm everybody down and refocused on the problem and possible solutions. But I've come to accept that this is exactly what will happen when people are faced with a problem. Usually it leads to no solution at all and the problem reoccurs over and over. If I can get everybody to refocus on what we want to have happen instead of what is happening, I find that excellent potential solutions come incredibly quickly!

Imagining the Life of Our Dreams

It is true that we are just guessing what will make us happy in the future. We really have no solid proof that what we imagine will be the exact thing that will make us happy. Sometimes something makes us happy for awhile and then it's time to move on to something else. So, maybe the life of our dreams is going to have to have something more substantial as a goal than happiness. Look around - see if you see anybody that has never had any trouble or difficulties in his/her life. You might see somebody that you think has had a charmed life, but I'd be willing to bet my life savings that you would find out they've had his/her share of difficulties just like everyone else.

Becoming a really good problem solver is likely to come in very handy. The set of skills can be learned, but you will need a teacher who is good at it. Some problems can't be solved, however. So learning to be at peace in accepting problems that can't be solved is another skill that is vital to living the life of our dreams. This one is probably a spiritual skill. If increasing your spiritual life isn't on your list of goals, it's time to put it there. Solving problems and learning to be at peace with things, people and events you don't like are skills to put at the top of your list. When you've grown in these areas, you can life life with the confidence that whatever comes along, you can handle it.

Happiness

If you are still wrestling with what the life of your dreams would be like, try looking back through your life at when you have been the happiest. I'd be willing to bet that you won't find that it's been when you had the most money or were the most successful at your job. Hardly anybody wishes on their death bed that they had worked more overtime. Are you a person who enjoys trying new things? Are you happier when you're helping somebody? Are you happy when you're creating something - a pie, a painting, a poem? Are you happier at a party or in the woods? Are you happy when you're with people you love or when you're alone? What did you daydream about when you were a kid? The answers will give you a lot of clues about the life you truly want for yourself.

The Value of Complaining

The previous post conveys the most important part of using negativity to create the life of your dreams - using a mentor to help you take the negative and translate its energy into the positive. So, with that in mind, here are some common complaints that people have about their lives:

• My boss criticizes me
• My job is too difficult
• My spouse/partner/significant other doesn't treat me right
• I don't have enough money to cover all my obligations
• My children don't behave
• My health is bad
• I have no time for myself; no time to have fun

There are plenty more common complaints but these will do for starters. So let's pretend I'm your mentor or that you are going to learn how to be your own mentor (I don't advise this in the long run).

Face the Truth. To begin, ask yourself whether these complaints are actually true or whether you've exaggerated. If they really are true, it's very important to begin by accepting the truth. Sometimes we just hate something so much that from time to time we go into denial and start believing that things are not really so bad. If they are that bad, it's time to face the truth. By facing the truth you've put yourself at the starting gate for creating the life of your dreams.

Do You Know What's Wanted and Needed? All of the above complaints could be problems because you don't have correct or sufficient information. For example, do you actually know what your boss wants you to do or not do? I heard once that the secret to success in any job is to give them what they want and need (unless it's illegal, immoral, dangerous, etc.). After all they are paying you to do what they want and need. Sometimes what they want and need isn't even clear to them or they actually want you to do something other than what they say. It can be complicated to find out what is wanted and needed. It is a very important skill you can develop that will serve you in a lot of situations - learn to discover what people want and need. It will take some time. Be observant. Ask a few, gentle questions. Make some guesses and try out new behaviors. Eventually you'll have a good understanding of what is wanted and needed. Once you are clear, then you can ask yourself if you have the ability, skills and values that are required to do what they're paying you for. If you do, then go for it. If you don't, maybe it's time to acquire them. Or maybe it's time to look for another job.

Learn to Ask for What You Want Instead of Complaining. Another example - do you know how to clearly ask for what you want of your partner? I do not mean complaining. I don't believe there are very many human beings that listen long to a complainer. An example of a request rather than a complaint: "If you're going to be late, would you give me a call?" It may be that you just haven't asked. Or maybe you've complained a hundred times and he/she is sick of your "demands." Take a good look. I've heard that you should only ask for what you want once. If you ask more than that, you are controlling or manipulating. You may have an unreasonable partner in this area and that has led you to try to control. It doesn't work. Quit. Try negotiating. Ask what would be required for your partner to call if he/she is going to be late. There's undoubtedly a reason why he/she doesn't want to call. See if you can use the technique you learned with your boss to understand his/her perspective. If this doesn't work, you may need to ask yourself if it's that important to you in the big picture of the relationship. If it's not that important, maybe the solution is to accept the person as he/she is. On the other hand, if it is that important, and he or she is unreasonable in other situations too....well, it's time to ask yourself if you really want to be with an unreasonable person who doesn't respect your needs and wants.

Money Problems are a Piece of Cake - Except for the Emotions that are Attached. Then there's the money complaint. There are all sorts of money problems. Maybe you have more obligations than income. Simple solutions: increase your income or reduce your obligations or both (this is the best one). Borrowing money is not the solution. Getting someone to give you some of their money is not the solution. I wish there were more interesting solutions but money problems are very simple to solve. The trouble is most of us have a lot of emotional issues around money that keep us confused and in denial. Get help and information. Get out of denial. Make some adult decisions and carry them out.

What DOES a Good Parent Do? So, you believe your children misbehave. Are you sure you have all the information you need to be a good parent? It's relatively rare for people to take parenting classes. We seem to think that we should just know how to parent. We end up just parenting the way we were parented and our parents parented the way they were parented, etc. This is the most important job in the whole world and children don't come with instructions. No wonder you're having problems. Get help. Get information about how to parent. Use the skill you learned with your boss and partner and find out what your children want and need.

Do What You Can About Your Health and Then Love Life Anyway. Bad health is no fun. For many of us there never seems to be much we can do about it except go to the doctor and take whatever medicine is prescribed. Once again, you may lack information about what you can do to improve your health. Certainly a healthy diet, some form of exercise, and meditation or some other way of reducing stress couldn't hurt, right? If you are already doing whatever you can to improve your health, then acceptance is next. There are probably folks in the world who have it even worse that you do who are still living the life of their dreams. See if you can find some of them and discover what their secret is. Get help. Get support. Accept.

Priority Management Instead of Time Management. As far as time is concerned, everyone actually has the same amount of time - 24 hours a day. There's a whole set of skills for setting priorities for time use that you can learn. There are tons of books, coaches, all sorts of help. Everyone needs time for themselves and time for fun. Set out to get it!

Using Griping to Create the Life of Your Dreams

Sometimes it's just necessary to whine and gripe. No matter how hard we try to be positive, our lower nature is just too strong to resist. So, my best advice is to give in and make a list of everything you loathe about your life. This can be a very powerful technique - if and only if - you immediately talk to a mentor about these grouches and make a corresponding list of how these things can be used to create the life of your dreams! More on this later.

Ideas

I love examples of things to do to create a more wonderful life. Here are some I've collected:

• Plant a garden.
• Learn to play an instrument.
• Meditate every day.
• Sleep in on the weekend.
• Cut t.v. time in half.
• Lose 20 lbs in a healthy way.
• Do 30 minutes of yoga every day.
• Write in my journal every day.
• Clean out all my closets and drawers.
• Do the two most important things on my to-do list every day.
• Update my wardrobe.
• Get in touch with family members that live out of town at least once a month.
• Learn to ask for what I want - only once (maybe twice at the most) and then shut up.
• Give everyone in my life a compliment every time I see them.
• Write letters to the important people in my life and say the things about them that I would say at their funerals.
• Go to a concert, play or other event at least once a month.
• Find a volunteer job that I would enjoy and that would make a difference.
• Take a photography class.
• Organize my desk.
• Go on a vacation.
• Get help with housework.
• Pay off all debt.
• Design a spending plan and track my spending to make sure I'm spending money in a way that will bring me the most joy.

Every few months it's time to look at my life again and see where I am and how I can make my life even better. Why not have the very best life we can possibly have? Our lives are a gift from God and he/she will probably be very disappointed if we don't do our best.

Inventory

It's a good idea to assess where we are before we try to determine where we want to go. Here are some questions I like to ask myself periodically so I can see where my starting points are: 1) In general, how do I feel about my lifestyle - how I live, my home, recreation, etc? 2) How is my self-esteem - how am I feeling about myself? 3) How disciplined and organized am I on a daily basis - am I able to do my life without feeling confused, rushed, etc? 4) How's my health - are there things I could do to improve? 5) How am I feeling about my career/job/avocation? Is it what I really want to do? 6) How am I doing in relation to the people in my life? 7) How are my finances? Are there things I could do to improve? And finally 8) Are there things I would like to do to further my personal growth?

Never, Ever, Never, Ever GIVE UP!

It's time for another reminder - when you have a bad day while you're creating the life of your dreams, do NOT give up. I heard in a Weight Watchers meeting that if you were baking a cake and dropped an egg on the floor, you wouldn't give up on baking the cake. You would clean up the mess and get another egg. In any creative project there will be days that don't go well. So, clean up the mess and go forward anyway. Don't let that voice inside your head tell you that you're just a screw up and will never be able to create the life of your dreams. Tell the voice to SHUT UP. You are never, ever, never going to give up!