Working Backward

Well, here we are with the beginning of 2010 almost here. I don't know about you, but I am determined that this will be the best year of my life! I've been saying this every year for quite awhile, and so far, it has been true. Maybe it wouldn't look that way from the outside, but it's always been true for me on the inside. I've had a huge number of challenges in my life in the last few years that were daunting to say the least. However, I've had an amazing amount of help and I've learned critically important things I would never have learned otherwise. I've learned that no matter how difficult the journey looks, it is still possible to set goals, reach them, enjoy life, love people, receive love, and contribute to others.

A few years ago, I heard the famous Arkansas Coach Broyles talk about the journey he and his daughter and daughter-in-law took in caring for his wife who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Of course, like most families, the diagnosis was devastating and for awhile they were all in grief. Ultimately, though, like any good coach, Coach Broyles set a goal for himself and his family: they decided to learn all they could about the disease and caregiving so that they could become the best caregivers possible.

I was struck by their focused effort on learning and doing their best in the face of a huge life-changing challenge. They really enjoyed their journey and their achievements - which were measured by the fact that Mrs. Broyles' journey with the disease was, for the most part, happy and contented, rather than the fear, distress and acting out that many people with Alzheimer's experience. I've heard similar stories from other caregivers that impacted me too.

Of course, in these past few years, I've been the one cared for in many ways. I knew to appreciate and be deeply grateful for the help I've received. I've also discovered that the best way I know to give back is to learn and grow with my experiences so that I can share what I learn. So, I'm going to take all that I've learned and use it to make 2010 the best year of my life - this time I intend to have it show on the outside too!

Some of the things I've learned that will be used: It's not possible to do anything without the knowledge to do it. I've learned a lot of new things like how to use a wheelchair, walkers, crutches and a cane. I've learn to re-train my brain to do the things it used to do but forgot with injury. Plus it's not possible to do anything without support from other people. Truly - you can't do it alone. The discovery I'm going to be using first is that it's impossible to get where you're going without knowing where that is. So, first of all, I will be deciding where I want to be in a year. By working backward from that point, I will know what steps I will take to get there.

Goals

It's getting close to the goal setting time of the year. We can forget about New Year's Resolutions since the one thing that's true about them is that almost no one actually follows through. So, why is is that we don't follow through? What keeps us stuck? Here's what I think:

1) Our daily lives interfere. We already have our days crammed full, and we don't take the time to think about what we can eliminate to make room for new activities.
2) We make resolutions that are what we think we SHOULD change rather than what we truly want to change. Therefore, there's no real excitement about the results we would get from making the changes. No real motivation.
3) We don't make a plan for how we're going to do them. If we're going to do something new; something challenging, it's not going to happen without a plan.
4) We try to do it all alone, without any help from anyone. A lot of us keep our challenges a secret so we won't be embarrassed if we fail - which, of course, sets us up to fail.
5) We want results quickly and give up if we don't get them quickly. Any plan we make needs to include plans for keeping our motivation high over the long haul.
6) We want perfection and so give up right away when we don't do things perfectly. But that's how learning something new works. We make mistakes; we learn.

Instead of making a list of New Year's resolutions on January 1, let's start now thinking about what we really want for next year and begin planning for how we're going to get it.

Substituting

I know for a fact that in order to create the life of my dreams I have to eliminate some things from my daily life so that I have time and space to take the actions that will create a new life. Usually I identify some things I consider "bad habits" and decide to eliminate those. Time and again I discover that it's easier said than done - eliminating bad habits, that is. There are always reasons why I have those "bad habits." When I try to get rid of them, I find it a very painful process. Finally I've learned that in order to get rid of them, I have to find the reasons why I have them - the purpose they serve for me. Usually it's necessary for me to find a substitute that meets my needs but in a better way.

And then one day...

And then one day you wake up and you're 90 years old. That could happen, you know. That is, of course, if you get caught up in the dailiness of life and forget that you were creating the life of your dreams. The truth is, in order to create the life of your dreams, it will be necessary to fit the activities necessary to create it, in with washing the dishes, combing your hair, taking the dog out, taking the kids to their ballgames..... So, what's your plan for that? So that you don't wake up one day and you're 90 and it's a little late for creating the life you wanted and what you've done with your life is do the dishes, etc.

More on Support

I used to think "support" meant having plenty of people I could call and complain to. I had lots of that and I spent a lot of hours on the phone telling my tales of woe. Gradually I began to notice that my life was not getting better. Thanks to mentors I've had along the way, I've learned that talking about problems only gives a few minutes of relief. For my life to change, I have to change and part of that change is getting support that encourages me to make the changes necessary to improve my life.

Support

I heard Cheryl Richardson (author of books like, Take Time for Your Life), say that the single greatest thing that really makes a difference as to whether you create the life of your dreams or whether you don't, is support - support from other people or even just one person. These folks will need to be positive people who will encourage you. AND if you can find people who have or are succeeding at what you are trying to accomplish, so much the better.

It's worth making a list of the people you know and seeing if any of them qualify. If you don't find anyone, it's time to look for people you don't know. You can join groups of people who are working toward similar goals - for example, if you are working toward being a writer, there are lots of writer groups. In addition, you could hire a coach, (like myself for example), to assist you in staying motivated and focused. Lots of support is available. Never try to create the life of your dreams without it!

Purpose

Looking around me at the activities going on in my city, state and country, it seems to me that a lot of us lack purpose. We automatically assume that the life of our dreams should consist of prestige, lots of money, romance and fun. The sad thing is that mystics have known for centuries that these goals will not create the life of our dreams. When we're on our death beds, it's unlikely that we're going to be regretting that we didn't make more money or have more romance or that we weren't famous. Probably we're going to be thinking about the people we love. Our regrets will likely be about any times we missed we letting them know we loved them. Living according to our life purpose will surely include loving other people - which is a lot more reliable a way to live than waiting around for other people to love us!

Stories

Are you wondering why you haven't created the life of your dreams for yourself yet? Probably part of the reason is the story you're telling yourself about it. Try this: Take a couple of hours and just write out the story you're telling yourself. It might go something like this: I've had a lot to do, I haven't had time, the people in my life don't want me to, I have other priorities, I don't have the money, and on and on. Just notice without blaming yourself that these are excuses not reasons.

If you were really excited about creating the life of your dreams and committed to taking the action to make it happen, none of these things would be in your way. Now that you have your "excuses story," write a new story about how you will let go of your excuses and make it happen. You will be surprised at how much your creativity will come to the surface.

Another way that might help: You could write the story as though it were someone else. What qualities does this person have that you don't? Maybe you could begin by developing those qualities. Why not? What else have you got to do, really?

Behavior Change

Most of the thinking I've done in my life has been about how to change my behavior. I am rebellious. I don't want to change. On the other hand, I don't like my behavior and I want to change. I'm not talking about robbing banks, killing people, and stuff like that. I'm talking about what time to get up in the morning. What to eat or not eat. Whether to exercise or not. Getting organized. Paying the bills on time. You know - day-to-day stuff that I can get away with not changing, except that over time there's a price to pay.

Sometimes I think it would have been a good idea for me to have joined the military. I've noticed that people I know who were in the military retained their disciplined habits into civilian life. But at 68 I'm probably not a candidate. So I continue to work toward being a disciplined person so that I can escape the price of not being disciplined.

Here's what doesn't work:

1. Berating myself mentally.

2. Giving up in despair.

3. Reading self-help books (just reading them, not implementing ideas).

4. Comparing myself to other people.

5. Watching mindless t.v.

6. Doing unimportant tasks instead of the most important ones.

7. Letting other people criticize me.

8. Starting tomorrow or next week or whenever I get something else more important (ha) done.

9. Playing computer games.

10. Subjecting myself to strict discipline and nothing I want to do until I finish what I don't want

to do.

Here are some things that help:

1. Eating right, getting enough sleep and exercising.

2. Getting a partner who's working on similar things.

3. Taking a day off to do whatever I want.

4. Encouraging myself mentally.

5. Talking to people who will encourage me.

6. Learning AND implementing new ideas

7. Experimenting with new ways of doing things.

8. Making change a game.

9. Preparing for new behavior by setting myself up for success (get rid of the junk food for

example.)

10. Making a new commitment every day.

11. Last but not least - prayer and meditation.

What's really going on....

Everybody has problems, right? Some of them have been with you your whole life if you're anything like me. Maybe you're consistently overweight. Maybe you have consistent money problems. Maybe you're worried about your kids. Maybe you have a chronic back problem you can't find a solution for. There are a great many of these typical problems that people in general typically have. Maybe they are so pervasive in your life you've forgotten that they are problems.

Be suspicious! Be very suspicious of these problems. There's a good chance they're a cover for your real problems and that's why you haven't solved them.

Try this: Sit quietly and happily imagine that you have solved the chronic problems in your life and are now free to have the life of your dreams. How does that feel? What comes to mind? For a lot of us, what comes to mind are the OTHER problems - an unhappy relationship, back taxes we owe, something we've done that we feel ashamed of, etc., etc. No wonder we've been focusing on the chronic ones.

What has worked for me was getting some support and help in dealing with the REAL problems. Then the others seem to melt away without my effort. It could be that I didn't need them to distract me any more so they just went away by themselves.

Making Peace with Money

"What does it mean to make peace with money? It means to create a relationship with money that is simple, comfotable, and free of stress, worry or pain; to create a relationship with money that is satisfying, even joyful." Jerrold Mundis. Making Peace with Money.

If you agree that making peace with money is going to be necessary for you to have the life of your dreams, then identifying your beliefs about money is going to be one of your first steps. In the last post, I detailed some information about the basics of money management. When I first learned these basics, I immediately tried to forget them because I was sure it was hopeless to actually accomplish them. I thought you had to have a whole bunch of money in the first place. I had a lot of other limiting beliefs that had been keeping me from taking the steps I needed to take in order to build a comfortable, satisfying financial life.

Try this exercise: Write this sentence and complete it: Money is___________. Keep writing it and completing it until you run out of things to write. Then take a look and see if any of those beliefs are actually true. For example, I believed that there were some people who had the ability to handle money, but that I wasn't one of them. I thought it took some kind of special talent. Turns out - it's not true. Handling money is easy. It's our beliefs that keep us from doing well.

More on money...

How much closer would you feel to the life of your dreams if you had:

1. enough savings to cover your living expenses for a year in case you were unable to work.

2. you had no debt at all of any kind.

3 if you owned your home and your car free and clear.

4. a will plus all the other "end of life" documents so that if you become critically ill or when you die, your family and friends will find everything in order and will know what to do.

5. a balanced checkbook every month.

6. all your bills paid on time.

7. adequate insurance on your house, car and your life (so that anyone who depends on you financially would have replacement income). Disability insurance if you work in an occupation where you would be unable to continue to work if you were disabled.

8. a retirement plan you understood and that you knew was fully funded so that you could do as you pleased when you retired.

9. an investment plan that you understood and that met your needs and wants.

10. the ability to make all the above happen without winning the lottery or some other "pie in the sky" way.

What are you saying to yourself right now? Maybe you're like a lot of other people and are saying that none of those 10 things are possible in your current situation. Well, what's really true is that you and a lot of other people don't even like to think about those things, let alone try to make them happen. My suggestion is to think about those things in terms of how much less stress you would have on a daily basis if you had accomplished all those things AND how many opportunities for creating the life of your dreams you would have as well. Maybe then you would be motivated to get started on making them happen. Taking small steps every day toward these goals will eventually get you there. There are an amazing number of books out in the world that will give you the information to get there. Suze Orman has written a lot of them and there are plenty of others. My advice? Get going!!!

Money

I'm always amazed when I talk with the people I'm coaching about their goals, how many of them are struggling with money issues. The sad thing is that all of them are smart, capable, and seemingly well-balanced. However, they don't know the basics of money and their finances are in disarray. I've come to believe - based on my own experience and what other people tell me - that money holds so many emotional aspects for us that we avoid dealing with it. The basics of personal finance are actually pretty simple, but our emotional baggage keeps us from doing what we need to do.

Doing the things we need to do with our finances is vital to having the life of our dreams. One would think that that fact is obvious since if we're living in poverty we don't have the resources to develop the life of our dreams. But many of us have our heads in the sand and then wonder why we're not moving forward.

Truth

The truth is we don't tell ourselves the truth on a consistent basis. When we don't, our lives go off in a direction we really don't like. One of the most amazing things we can do is stop for a few minutes every day, get quiet and tell ourselves the truth.

How do I really feel? What's really going on in my life? What do I really want? Who am I blaming for not having what I really want? What could I do differently that would get me where I want to go?

The importance of this daily practice comes into clear focus when I remind myself that my time on the earth is short. The odds are that I won't die today or even tomorrow. But I could. And the day will come when I do. Telling myself the truth is vital for not wasting what time I have left.

The TRUTH

"There is no such thing as an evil or stupid feeling, though we sometimes do evil and stupid things in response to our feelings. We're in far more danger of doing this when we deny or minimize our darker impulses than wen we accept them honestly and fully." Martha Beck. The Joy Diet. Little kids usually know the truth. So do cameras. The rest of us tend to lie to ourselves. If we're going to have the life of our dreams, we will need to sit quietly every day, and ask ourselves what the truth is - about ourselves, about our lives and about how we really feel. By doing this we will find our real selves. You know - the ones that know that love is the most important thing there is.

New Research on Procrastination!

"Short-term gain; long-term pain" is how Psychology Today magazine terms procrastination. Piers Steel at the University of Calgary reviewed 553 studies on procrastination. He concluded that procrastination stems from four variables: 1) The person's expectation of succeeding at the task 2) The value of the task 3) The person's need for immediate gratification 4) The person's impulsiveness.

Steele says the most powerful one of these variables is the person's impulsiveness. He thinks that we are dealing with modern life with hunter/gatherer brains. Our forebears needed food right now. Delayed gratification was not part of their lives. So, our brains are hard-wired toward immediate gratification. A third piece of chocolate cake trumps looking good in our swim suits next summer. Add to that all the modern distractions - email, facebook and the like - and you have a perfect environment for procrastination.

Now that we know more about what causes it, what are we going to do about it? For starters, we will need to learn to manage our emotions so that the anxiety we feel when confronting a task that is no fun and is hard, etc. doesn't derail our intention to do it because it will benefit us in the future. Using visual imagery of what we will gain at that future time from doing this task now will help bring the future into the present. Then, we will need to learn to ride out the difficult feelings we have about the task and not give in to feeling more like it tomorrow. Start anyway. Once we've started, we'll gain momentum. After that, be sure to isolate yourself from distractions plus get the information you need to do the task. Finally, research shows that willpower is like a muscle - the more you use it, the more powerful it becomes. Conversely, the more you give in to procrastination, the weaker your ability to regulate your behavior becomes. Mindful meditation helps too - learning to focus also strengthens your ability to regulate your behavior.

Overcoming procrastination - guess what?- brings you more and more quickly to the life of your dreams.

Having the life of your dreams seems to imply that you need to have luck, doesn't it? That would be a terrific excuse for not having the life of your dreams, wouldn't it? "Oh poor me, I've just had such a horribly hard life!!!" If you're sitting here reading this, you are probably not living in a refugee camp fighting against starvation. You've got a really big head start toward having the life of your dreams compared to many people in the rest of the world. Luck is made by exercising gratitude - or at least that's what I believe and it's what works for me. It involves focusing on what I have, rather than what I don't have. And then focusing on how I can build on what I have to make more good things happen. Life is just life. In case you think you're the only one who has suffered tragedy, set backs, and tough times - look around. You are not alone and it certainly isn't necessary to suffer forever. I believe we were created to enjoy life, so let's get busy with joy!

THE Rules

It's a sad and frightening thing: We all have "rules." Quite a few of us believe that our rules are the only right ones and when other people don't follow them, we become self-righteously angry and outraged. Talk about barriers to having the life of our dreams!!! This is one is way bigger than the Great Wall of China. Sometimes I think that each person's rules are as individual as fingerprints. Then I think that surely there must be some that we all have in common. Maybe so, but they are very hard to find.

In the life of my dreams, I have joyful relationships with the people in my life. This is not going to happen if I try to impose my "rules" on them or if I assume I know what their rules are. It would make sense to ask people what their rules are, but often they think you are being obnoxious if you ask, because they assume their rules are the only right ones. It makes it tough to get along with them for sure. And, of course, I'm going to be tough to get along with if I think my rules are the only right ones.

We all seem to have rules about things from the little things of life to the huge things of life, but we rarely think about where our rules come from and whether we really believe in them. There are rules about how to hang the toilet paper, how to fold towels, how to manage a checking account, how money should be spent, how to divide money in a marriage, how to discipline children, how friends are supposed to treat each other, how much time should elapse before calling someone back, what should be posted on Twitter, how often we should have sex, who should do household chores, when kids should be allowed to date, if it's permissible to have 11 items in the line for 10 or less items at the grocery store. Then there are the nationwide and worldwide rules about how nations should treat each other, whether it's okay to lie about a product you're trying to sell, if it's okay to slant the truth about something to get votes, who you should and shouldn't have sex with and under what circumstances, and on and on.

Most of us seem to get pretty worked up about this stuff. Sometimes we get as worked up about how to hang the toilet paper as we do about how nations should treat each other. Divorces, getting fired from jobs, ending of friendships, and nasty wars could be traced back to conflicts in rules. In the life of my dreams finding some peace with all this is vital. So... What to do?

I believe the best place to start is to examine our own rules and ask ourselves where they came from and why we have them. We may want to modify them to suit our real values and cause them to conform with love and peace. Then we may want to tactfully and subtly find out what the people in our lives believe the rules are. As I said before, it would be wise to be extremely cautious since outright asking them may hit a nerve if they believe their's are the only right ones.

When I was going to college I had a business where I provided household chores for people who were unable or did not have time to do them themselves. Boy, did I ever find out about rules. Most people did not want to tell me specifically what they wanted done. They said things like, "Just do what you would do for yourself." Following those directions got me in a lot of trouble, because the way I did things was nothing like how they thought they should be done. But they thought everybody did things their way they did because - well, they thought their rules were the only right ones.

One guy became a customer when he bought a house from some people I had worked for for many years. He became angry with me because I did not use furniture polish on all the wood cabinets in the home. He said everybody knew that you should use furniture polish on wood cabinets. Well, the previous owners absolutely forbade me to use furniture polish on them because they were afraid it would get on the floor and make it slippery. Hmmm. And there was no way the guy ever believed that I was doing anything except trying to get out of doing what I should know to do without being told. So, I fired myself. People like that are just too hard to work for. Sometimes that's the best solution. As I gained more experience, I sometimes decided not to try to work for people who couldn't/wouldn't tell me what they wanted me to do.

Personal relationships are even more tricky. I was married for over 20 years to my soul mate. I can't even think of a way to explain how much we loved each other, admired each other and how much fun we had. I married him knowing he had traditional rules about the roles of men and women in marriage. Which I don't. We came to an uneasy truce before we were married with his agreement to do some (not very many, in my opinion) household chores. But he did my laundry as well as his own for the whole 20 plus years we were together. I think that in his heart he really thought he shouldn't have to be doing laundry - it was really my job - but he did it to humor me because he loved me. The fact that housework and cooking were never shared - well, I humored him in that because I loved him. We never did agree about how to handle money and the only way we survived that was to keep our money separate. But at least we did know what each other's rules were and learned to live with and compromise our differences. I don't think there are any other ways to deal with each other's rules. Changing the other person's mind is just not likely. I often wonder if this method would help in politics and in conflict among nations.

Procrastination, continued

One of the most exciting and empowering experiences I've ever had was finishing something I had been procrastinating on for a long time. I felt light enough to levitate to the tops of trees. I felt like a truly worthwhile human being. I felt powerful enough to rule the world (having overcome massive sloth). Try it. You will love it!

Procrastination

Procrastination is my middle name. I also have the middle name of persistence. Believe it or not, the two go together. Persistence offsets my natural way of being which is procrastination. It's a severe character defect but with the help of dogged persistence, I have managed to get a few things done in my life that were amazingly challenging.

In the process of dealing with procrastination, I've learned a few things that are helpful. One of the main reasons for procrastination is that whatever I'm procrastinating about isn't fun to do. That should be plain as day, but often isn't. It takes me awhile to admit that that is the problem. Then the only answer is to make it fun in some way. If it lends itself to a party, I can always invite friends over to help, order pizza and have a party. That's what I did when I needed to clean the soot off books I saved from a fire. I've never tried to have a party for help with taxes, though. I don't think there's a way to do it. But it does help for me to treat myself with a lovely reward as soon as I finish something difficult. In order to do that, I have to overcome the feeling that everyone has to do taxes, so I shouldn't need to be rewarded for doing what is clearly just the right thing to do and just reward myself anyway.

Another big reason for procrastination is that whatever action I'm not wanting to take is associated with taking up time that I would otherwise be using to do something enjoyable. (There's a pattern here - do you see it?) So, the first thing I do is make sure I don't eliminate something I love to do in favor of something I don't want to do. One of the things I used to LOVE to do was just sit and talk with my husband. We could do that for hours. I don't know that anyone else would have found our conversations entertaining, but we thought we were fascinating. It really is pretty easy to find slots of time when I wouldn't even miss the activity I do in that slot. Then I can fit the procrastination activity into that slot until it's done.

Of all the things that can derail the trip to the life of our dreams, procrastination is a big one. It's vital that we find ways to overcome it.

Goal Setting

After you've decided what you want in each area of your life, it's a good idea to pick only three or so to focus on. More than that can be overwhelming. It can be any three, just so you're sure they are things you REALLY want. The question to ask yourself is, "why don't I have these already?" By asking that question you'll discover what the barriers are to reaching these goals. Then for every barrier you think of, think of some actions you can take to overcome the barriers and put a date by which time you will have taken the action. A BIG KEY then is to look at these every day when you make your to-do list. (You do make a to-do list, right?)

Example:

Focus Goal: I want to weigh 145 lbs by October 30.
1. Barrier - I hate diets. I feel hungry all the time.
- Action step (by August 31) Research and try food plans that address hunger problems.
2. Barrier - I eat whatever is available when I'm hungry - often eating high calories snacks.
- Action step (by August 31) Set aside time once a week to buy healthy, low-calorie snacks and package them for the week.

Making a Map

"Don't just generalize about what you wish to achieve. Don't just have a vague idea about where you would like to go. Make your goals vivid, clear and precise.

Whether you are traveling around the block or across the ocean, your destination is always a single, specific point. The only way you can reach that point is by clearly and unambiguously defining where it is.

The same is true for every destination you seek to reach, whether it is a place, a person, an object or a set of conditions. When the goal is clear and specific, filled in your mind with all the color, the texture, the sounds and the feelings, you'll surely be able to work your way there. For each detail you envision provides you with an additional pathway to your goal."

- Ralph Marston

So, let's say you think your goal is: I want to lose weight. Okay, but how much weight? Is one pound enough? Probably not. Do you mind if it takes until you're 80? Probably you do. Why do you want to lose weight? For me it's always because I want to look prettier. I know, I know, I'm supposed to want to do it to be healthier. I do want to be healthier. If I'm going to live a long time, I don't want to live in a nursing home in a wheelchair because I'm so overweight I can't walk. But really and truly I just want to look prettier. That's what I really want. So, maybe I mean that I also want to develop some muscles too. Maybe in my heart my real goal is that I want to look good naked. I'm not sure why. Maybe just that walking by the mirror after my shower when I'm not in shape is not a exactly a superb experience. It's important to know why as well as what. In the next post, I'll give some examples of how.

Setting Goals

Setting goals is a process pretty much like anything else in life. There are several areas to look at because setting goals in isolation from each other is not only not helpful but can actually cause trouble. What if you decide you want to go back to school and get an advanced degree but have not looked at how that will fit with your relationships, health, career, and finances. Hmmm. Not good. So, each area of your life needs your attention and careful thought about what you really want. Besides those areas already mentioned, you may want to think about your spirituality, quality of life, self-esteem, and others that are particularly important to you. Don't overwhelm yourself. I used to make so many goals I had to have a three ring binder to put them all in. Needless to say I didn't accomplish any of them - I don't even remember what they were. So, keeping it simple is key. In a later post I'll give some generic examples.

Robot or Sentient Being?

Sentient = conscious. I know, I know. You don't believe you could possibly be unconscious or a robot. But there's no escaping from the truth. If you don't have goals that you've spent time in choosing and that are written down, you are pretty much a robot with a long way to go before you can become sentient. I don't know about you but walking around in a fog without much of an idea as to where I'm going isn't my idea of the way to live my life.

It's fine with me if you would rather wander, but trying to be empowered without being conscious just isn't possible. Sorry but those are the choices - 1) be a robot or 2) have some real goals. I'm not talking about the kind of goals where you hope/wish/think about maybe someday you could.....I'm talking about the kind where you write down a specific thing that you really, really want and put a date when you will get it beside it. Following the date, a real goal has action steps or things you will do to get what you want. You look at those action steps every day and take action every day. On your to-do list for each day, along with taking the clothes to the cleaners, is an action that will get you closer to what you want.

A lot of people are just not happy with all this structure. They say they don't want to be tied down. That they need to "go with the flow." Okay. Fine. So, change the goal and the action steps and the date too if you need or want to. Setting goals is not a rigid commitment that you can never change your mind about. After all you're the person who said this was something you really, really wanted and that you didn't want to just wait and see if it would happen by accident. (It won't) Just remember you decided to be a sentient (conscious) being rather than a robot!

Stick with the Winners

When I was first in recovery, they told me to "stick with the winners." They meant hang out with the people who had more recovery than I did and that were truly "walking the walk" rather than just "talking the talk." It took me a little while to figure out who these people were. At first I thought they were the people who had been around the longest. But then I discovered people who were new but had been around a little longer than I had were also "winners." I got some fabulous insight from some of those folks that truly saved my sanity. Since then I've discovered that sticking with the winners works for pretty much everything. If I want to be successful at something, finding people who are successful at the same type of thing is key. I don't need to blindly follow their advice; everyone is different. But they are going to share their experience and that's a thousand times more useful than what I can think up, read or get from people who don't have successful experiences.

Wake Up!!!

I could give you many posts regarding how to get organized, how to set goals, and on and on and on, and I will do that in future posts. But as Stephen Covey put it - what if the ladder you're climbing toward a goal is up against the wrong building? The truth is that most of our actions on a day to day basis are unconscious. We aren't choosing what we do at a conscious level - we may be acting out things that we may have learned as children but have never thought about again as adults, or maybe we've formed habits that at one time were useful but are useless to us now. But every action we take has meaning not just for today but for the rest of our lives. If you've ever wondered why there are things you want for your life but you haven't done what would be necessary for those things to manifest, the answer probably is that you haven't had the time. Your time is taken up with all these unconscious behaviors. Here's an assignment that will help - spend one day just taking notes about what you are doing. Every hour stop and write down what you did in the hour before. The next day take a look at your notes and ask yourself what motivated you to take those particular actions and when you made the choice to do them. You will be amazed at how many hours you were just operating on unconscious habit.

Who am I?

To have the life of my dreams, is to first know who I really am. That knowledge only comes with consistent self-examination that's free from self-hate and criticism of myself that is non-productive. All the self-criticism in the world will not help me fulfill my dream life. I believe that my dream of life was given me by the force for good in the universe that created and sustains me. How will I know if it's the right dream? By trying it out in my imagination. For example, I may find that I am not going to be living the life of my dreams if I focus on getting more and more money. Sufficient money to meet my needs will be needed but I may find that being with people that I love is more important. Maybe that old adage - "It is more blessed to give than receive." is actually true. Spend a little time each day dreaming!

Problem solving 101 continued again

Steve Pavlina (StevePavlina.com) believes that all problems on a personal level stem from lack of alignment with three universal principles - truth, love and power. For example, if you are having a problem it may be caused by lack of honesty with yourself - denial. Or you may have created the problem by being unloving or by denying your power by making excuses for why you're having the problem. I love the simplicity of this. Of course, that's because I truly believe that I am responsible for my life. My creator gave me life and the tools to live it. Anything else I say about it is just bulls..t! Taking total responsibility for my life (with the help of the force for good in the universe that created me and sustains me) is the key to being able to create the life of my dreams. Try running your problems through the filter of these three principles. See if telling yourself the truth, acting with love, and using your power instead of whining will make short work of whatever problem you have.

Problem Solving 101 continued

After stopping the impulse to find out who is to blame for a problem, you are ready to actually work on solving it. The easiest problems to solve are the ones that don't involve people and their emotions, of course. But even those are usually solvable. The first step is to envision what you (and everyone involved, really) wants to have happen instead of what has or is happening. Without some kind of vision that everyone can agree on, nothing will happen. There has to be a goal.

So often we all live in the problems we have instead of in the solutions. Listen to married couples bickering about how to spend their time or their money. Listen to them criticize each other. Most of the time this negative behavior is based on a lack of ability to problem solve. They are looking at the same problem, over and over, every day, instead of talking about what they would both like for their lives. And if asked what they want, they would probably tell you what they don't want - which would involve the other person making all the changes. Of course that never works. Getting their heads out of the blame game is vital. Otherwise their intelligence and creativity can't possibly be used to create something wonderful.

Once there's a vision or a goal, then ideas for getting there can be generated. This part is the tricky part - especially if there's more than one person involved. It seems there are an infinite number of ways to solve a problem. Luckily, if all parties can get and keep an open mind instead of arguing, some excellent possible solutions can be generated. And none of the potential solutions have to be "all or nothing." It's possible to carve out parts of solutions, tie them together and try them out. Because I'm a good problem solver, I love this part. It's creative and it's actually possible to have some fun. I'm a big fan of research too. Somewhere in the world other people have had this same problem and solved it. Some of their solutions, tweaked a bit, might be useful.

Problem Solving 101

The first thing to know about problem solving is that it is NOT about finding out whose fault it is. From observing people at work over the years and in various other situations, it seems that the first thing people think of when faced with a problem is looking for who caused the problem.

Recently I've noticed it with the people I work with in trying to solve problems my son with disabilities has at his workplace. It really saddens me that when I ask questions to try to discover what's going on, they get really defensive as though they think I'm trying to blame them for not doing things right. Truly, all I want to know is specifics about what he's doing that's a problem. This mindset - if there's a problem, the way to solve it is to blame somebody - is rampant at all levels - from government to the workplace to the kitchen table. Where in the world did this come from? I have no idea.

It's very frustrating for an expert problem solver like me - and I am really, really good at it - because it takes so long to calm everybody down and refocused on the problem and possible solutions. But I've come to accept that this is exactly what will happen when people are faced with a problem. Usually it leads to no solution at all and the problem reoccurs over and over. If I can get everybody to refocus on what we want to have happen instead of what is happening, I find that excellent potential solutions come incredibly quickly!

Imagining the Life of Our Dreams

It is true that we are just guessing what will make us happy in the future. We really have no solid proof that what we imagine will be the exact thing that will make us happy. Sometimes something makes us happy for awhile and then it's time to move on to something else. So, maybe the life of our dreams is going to have to have something more substantial as a goal than happiness. Look around - see if you see anybody that has never had any trouble or difficulties in his/her life. You might see somebody that you think has had a charmed life, but I'd be willing to bet my life savings that you would find out they've had his/her share of difficulties just like everyone else.

Becoming a really good problem solver is likely to come in very handy. The set of skills can be learned, but you will need a teacher who is good at it. Some problems can't be solved, however. So learning to be at peace in accepting problems that can't be solved is another skill that is vital to living the life of our dreams. This one is probably a spiritual skill. If increasing your spiritual life isn't on your list of goals, it's time to put it there. Solving problems and learning to be at peace with things, people and events you don't like are skills to put at the top of your list. When you've grown in these areas, you can life life with the confidence that whatever comes along, you can handle it.

Happiness

If you are still wrestling with what the life of your dreams would be like, try looking back through your life at when you have been the happiest. I'd be willing to bet that you won't find that it's been when you had the most money or were the most successful at your job. Hardly anybody wishes on their death bed that they had worked more overtime. Are you a person who enjoys trying new things? Are you happier when you're helping somebody? Are you happy when you're creating something - a pie, a painting, a poem? Are you happier at a party or in the woods? Are you happy when you're with people you love or when you're alone? What did you daydream about when you were a kid? The answers will give you a lot of clues about the life you truly want for yourself.

The Value of Complaining

The previous post conveys the most important part of using negativity to create the life of your dreams - using a mentor to help you take the negative and translate its energy into the positive. So, with that in mind, here are some common complaints that people have about their lives:

• My boss criticizes me
• My job is too difficult
• My spouse/partner/significant other doesn't treat me right
• I don't have enough money to cover all my obligations
• My children don't behave
• My health is bad
• I have no time for myself; no time to have fun

There are plenty more common complaints but these will do for starters. So let's pretend I'm your mentor or that you are going to learn how to be your own mentor (I don't advise this in the long run).

Face the Truth. To begin, ask yourself whether these complaints are actually true or whether you've exaggerated. If they really are true, it's very important to begin by accepting the truth. Sometimes we just hate something so much that from time to time we go into denial and start believing that things are not really so bad. If they are that bad, it's time to face the truth. By facing the truth you've put yourself at the starting gate for creating the life of your dreams.

Do You Know What's Wanted and Needed? All of the above complaints could be problems because you don't have correct or sufficient information. For example, do you actually know what your boss wants you to do or not do? I heard once that the secret to success in any job is to give them what they want and need (unless it's illegal, immoral, dangerous, etc.). After all they are paying you to do what they want and need. Sometimes what they want and need isn't even clear to them or they actually want you to do something other than what they say. It can be complicated to find out what is wanted and needed. It is a very important skill you can develop that will serve you in a lot of situations - learn to discover what people want and need. It will take some time. Be observant. Ask a few, gentle questions. Make some guesses and try out new behaviors. Eventually you'll have a good understanding of what is wanted and needed. Once you are clear, then you can ask yourself if you have the ability, skills and values that are required to do what they're paying you for. If you do, then go for it. If you don't, maybe it's time to acquire them. Or maybe it's time to look for another job.

Learn to Ask for What You Want Instead of Complaining. Another example - do you know how to clearly ask for what you want of your partner? I do not mean complaining. I don't believe there are very many human beings that listen long to a complainer. An example of a request rather than a complaint: "If you're going to be late, would you give me a call?" It may be that you just haven't asked. Or maybe you've complained a hundred times and he/she is sick of your "demands." Take a good look. I've heard that you should only ask for what you want once. If you ask more than that, you are controlling or manipulating. You may have an unreasonable partner in this area and that has led you to try to control. It doesn't work. Quit. Try negotiating. Ask what would be required for your partner to call if he/she is going to be late. There's undoubtedly a reason why he/she doesn't want to call. See if you can use the technique you learned with your boss to understand his/her perspective. If this doesn't work, you may need to ask yourself if it's that important to you in the big picture of the relationship. If it's not that important, maybe the solution is to accept the person as he/she is. On the other hand, if it is that important, and he or she is unreasonable in other situations too....well, it's time to ask yourself if you really want to be with an unreasonable person who doesn't respect your needs and wants.

Money Problems are a Piece of Cake - Except for the Emotions that are Attached. Then there's the money complaint. There are all sorts of money problems. Maybe you have more obligations than income. Simple solutions: increase your income or reduce your obligations or both (this is the best one). Borrowing money is not the solution. Getting someone to give you some of their money is not the solution. I wish there were more interesting solutions but money problems are very simple to solve. The trouble is most of us have a lot of emotional issues around money that keep us confused and in denial. Get help and information. Get out of denial. Make some adult decisions and carry them out.

What DOES a Good Parent Do? So, you believe your children misbehave. Are you sure you have all the information you need to be a good parent? It's relatively rare for people to take parenting classes. We seem to think that we should just know how to parent. We end up just parenting the way we were parented and our parents parented the way they were parented, etc. This is the most important job in the whole world and children don't come with instructions. No wonder you're having problems. Get help. Get information about how to parent. Use the skill you learned with your boss and partner and find out what your children want and need.

Do What You Can About Your Health and Then Love Life Anyway. Bad health is no fun. For many of us there never seems to be much we can do about it except go to the doctor and take whatever medicine is prescribed. Once again, you may lack information about what you can do to improve your health. Certainly a healthy diet, some form of exercise, and meditation or some other way of reducing stress couldn't hurt, right? If you are already doing whatever you can to improve your health, then acceptance is next. There are probably folks in the world who have it even worse that you do who are still living the life of their dreams. See if you can find some of them and discover what their secret is. Get help. Get support. Accept.

Priority Management Instead of Time Management. As far as time is concerned, everyone actually has the same amount of time - 24 hours a day. There's a whole set of skills for setting priorities for time use that you can learn. There are tons of books, coaches, all sorts of help. Everyone needs time for themselves and time for fun. Set out to get it!

Using Griping to Create the Life of Your Dreams

Sometimes it's just necessary to whine and gripe. No matter how hard we try to be positive, our lower nature is just too strong to resist. So, my best advice is to give in and make a list of everything you loathe about your life. This can be a very powerful technique - if and only if - you immediately talk to a mentor about these grouches and make a corresponding list of how these things can be used to create the life of your dreams! More on this later.

Ideas

I love examples of things to do to create a more wonderful life. Here are some I've collected:

• Plant a garden.
• Learn to play an instrument.
• Meditate every day.
• Sleep in on the weekend.
• Cut t.v. time in half.
• Lose 20 lbs in a healthy way.
• Do 30 minutes of yoga every day.
• Write in my journal every day.
• Clean out all my closets and drawers.
• Do the two most important things on my to-do list every day.
• Update my wardrobe.
• Get in touch with family members that live out of town at least once a month.
• Learn to ask for what I want - only once (maybe twice at the most) and then shut up.
• Give everyone in my life a compliment every time I see them.
• Write letters to the important people in my life and say the things about them that I would say at their funerals.
• Go to a concert, play or other event at least once a month.
• Find a volunteer job that I would enjoy and that would make a difference.
• Take a photography class.
• Organize my desk.
• Go on a vacation.
• Get help with housework.
• Pay off all debt.
• Design a spending plan and track my spending to make sure I'm spending money in a way that will bring me the most joy.

Every few months it's time to look at my life again and see where I am and how I can make my life even better. Why not have the very best life we can possibly have? Our lives are a gift from God and he/she will probably be very disappointed if we don't do our best.

Inventory

It's a good idea to assess where we are before we try to determine where we want to go. Here are some questions I like to ask myself periodically so I can see where my starting points are: 1) In general, how do I feel about my lifestyle - how I live, my home, recreation, etc? 2) How is my self-esteem - how am I feeling about myself? 3) How disciplined and organized am I on a daily basis - am I able to do my life without feeling confused, rushed, etc? 4) How's my health - are there things I could do to improve? 5) How am I feeling about my career/job/avocation? Is it what I really want to do? 6) How am I doing in relation to the people in my life? 7) How are my finances? Are there things I could do to improve? And finally 8) Are there things I would like to do to further my personal growth?

Never, Ever, Never, Ever GIVE UP!

It's time for another reminder - when you have a bad day while you're creating the life of your dreams, do NOT give up. I heard in a Weight Watchers meeting that if you were baking a cake and dropped an egg on the floor, you wouldn't give up on baking the cake. You would clean up the mess and get another egg. In any creative project there will be days that don't go well. So, clean up the mess and go forward anyway. Don't let that voice inside your head tell you that you're just a screw up and will never be able to create the life of your dreams. Tell the voice to SHUT UP. You are never, ever, never going to give up!

Crisis

There seems to be a part of all of us that loves to create a crisis when things are starting to get good. I noticed this about myself when I was around 30 years old. The truth is - a friend and neighbor noticed it and pointed it out. I tried to argue but he just kept pointing out examples until I surrendered. This was the period of my life when I was trying to help people when I really had next to nothing to give and should have been focusing on helping myself. Other people's crises are my favorite things to get involved in instead of taking the action steps to the life of my dreams. I have a friend who calls this part of ourselves "the gremlin." Some people might call it "the devil." Whatever you call it, it is the enemy we must fight to get to the life of our dreams.

Healthy Self Examination

Healthy self-examination is an indispensable tool for creating the life of our dreams. I'm using the modifier "healthy" because the exercise shouldn't be about self-hate. What it should be about is a compassionate noticing of our human mistakes and flaws so that we can correct anything in us that is getting in the way of creating the life of our dreams. I'm not kidding around - this exercise is vital. I'm also not kidding around when I say that it's incredibly difficult and sometimes painful. It's a lot easier to do with practice but our egos never want us to see any of our mistakes and flaws, so getting acquainted with all the ego's ways of blinding us is part of the process.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life that were unbelieveably painful to face. They were mostly in the area of relationships with people that I love. I can testify, however, that beating myself up with guilt didn't help at all. Facing the mistakes I had made and making whatever amends I could was the only way to let the past go so that I could move forward. Now my daily practice is to look at my mistakes, correct anything that I can, and notice any patterns of behavior that come up. For example, I tend to be judgmental of other people. And the more judgmental I am, the more likely I am to tell somebody that I shouldn't. So, minding my thoughts and my tongue really pays off. I've learned that those people I'm judging are usually doing their best just like I am. They fall short; so do I.

Responsibility vs Negativity

Responsibility used to be a very scary word to me. The way I had heard it used caused me to believe it meant that if I was responsible, I had done something wrong and was being blamed. Later on in my journey, I was taught through a series of workshops on philosophies of life I attended, that responsibility meant I had total control of creating my life. Well, I thought that was pretty crazy. Anyone could see that stuff just happens, and I didn't create it. There were enough scary, bad things happening in my life that the thought that I was creating them was overwhelming. Very creepy.

As I studied more about the capabilities of us humans, I began to see that I still had it wrong. The first thing I heard was that I had "response ability" - the ability to respond. Then I began to see that I could envision my life in a different way and begin - within the confines of reality, of course - to create my life. Since then I have been able to do and be and experience so many wonderful things.

Self Interest or Service to Others

As mentioned in a previous post, I (and apparently a lot of other people too) was always taught that "getting ahead," etc. was what would make me happy. But then I was also taught that being unselfish and helping others was virtuous. To me those seemed mutually exclusive. So, I started out with the idea of service because I liked those people better than the self-service folks and wanted to be one of them. I did not find it as rewarding as I thought it would be. Of course, the problem was that I was trying to give what I did not have. However, since I didn't know that at the time I just jumped into the opposite and started looking out for my own self-interest and to heck with everybody else. Hmmm. That didn't work out the way I thought it would either. Pretty much everybody in my life got really tired of hanging out with me. Since I've been searching for answers for years and years, I've finally arrived somewhere with this. The thing is those two perspectives are actually NOT mutually exclusive. It isn't possible to give from emptiness. So, my foundation is my physical and mental health, my spiritual growth, my skills and my heart. From that foundation I have something to give. It's awfully logical. I can't imagine how I stayed so confused for so long. Maybe it's something that should be taught in 7th grade. I'm not going to have the life of my dreams unless I can operate in both perspectives.

The Joy of Failure

I've spent a lot of my life being afraid to try things because I knew I would fail at first. Of course, there's no possible way to learn anything new without having a ton of failures before success comes along. I still can't say that I get excited and happy about failure, but at least I don't freak out when I make mistakes.

I read once that Winston Churchill used to spend part of his vacation every year as a bricklayer. He actually apprenticed and became a professional bricklayer. By doing work with his hands for awhile, he was able to put aside the mental work he had to do the rest of the year. But, as I remember it, he said the more important reason was that he wasn't very good at being a bricklayer, and so he was able to keep his ego from growing too big from being a world leader.

I'm not a world leader but I am prone to thinking I'm awfully smart, which can lead to over confidence, which is a very not useful way to fail. So, trying new things and getting used to failure can be a spiritual exercise in humility while learning new skills leading to success.

Imagine....

"Reality is imagination that has persisted through every doubt." Ralph Marston

Can this actually be true? Think deeply about this. What are some things you have imagined that came true. I certainly hope they aren't negative things, but in fact, negative things imagined persistently can come true also. So, since we're imagining, why not imagine the life of our dreams - persistently through every doubt and see what happens?

Celebrate and Have Fun

I know. It's not the 4th of July. But why not celebrate and have fun anyway? Where did we get the idea that we had to be so serious. I guess our ancestors needed to be serious to make sure they survived. But did they? I've read that hunter/gatherer tribes, still in existence today, living like our ancestors, only work at getting their food two or three hours a day. The rest of the time, they play, nap and notice nature.

Some more ways to make sure you never get the life of your dreams:

Be sure to notice everything around you that you judge as not right. Also notice everything in yourself and in your life that you don't like. Keep a constant watch. When you notice, be sure to complain both to yourself and anyone who will listen. This way of thinking is very much a socially taught thing. I really don't believe that we would do this very much at all if we weren't taught to do it. Very little children rarely complain except when they're tired, hungry or afraid. Then, of course, they whine or yell and someone attends to their needs (usually). Maybe that's where it all starts. Our unconscious minds tell us that if we whine and complain, "someone" will come along and help us. But, sadly, that is not at all how it works. And all that complaining uses up our energy, intelligence and creativity that we need for creating the life of our dreams.

I can't because.... #3

I love this one. "I don't know how." I used to think that when I did anything new I was supposed to already know how. Therefore, unless I already knew how, I wasn't going to try it. I've heard that state of mind described as, "S.H.A.M.E. - Should Have Already Mastered Everything." Of course, this wasn't a conscious thought. It was mostly a feeling. However, it certainly has kept me from trying to do a lot of things. The only reason I don't believe it now is that on jobs I HAD to learn to do new things and fight the feeling that I was a loser because I didn't already know. Fear drove me forward. Now that I know better, I can just prepare to be uncomfortable for awhile and consider it a lesson in humility. I don't know everything. What a concept. There's no chance we're going to have the life of our dreams unless we get past the "I don't know how."

More on I can't because.....

Another really good excuse for not having what we want is, "I don't have the money." Of course, whatever it is that we want will require limited resources, just like time is a limited resource. However much money we have or don't have isn't the real issue. There are plenty of people out there in the world who have what I'm wanting and who didn't have the money either. How did they do it? Well, for starters they didn't make excuses. They decided to go after what they wanted and put their creative brains to work on the barriers.

What Do You REALLY Want?

I don't know about you, but I learned from a very early age that what I should want was: 1) To be popular with the other kids - popularity was almost the most important thing in life. 2) To be a boss of some kind when I grew up - it was better to tell other people what to do than to be told what to do. 3) To make a lot of money because then I could do whatever I wanted and other people would look up to me (to be looked up to = popular). 4) To look as beautiful as possible so that I would be admired (= popular). 5) To be educated because I would be looked up to and have a job where I could tell other people what to do and would make a lot of money. 6) To marry somebody from a "good" family (educated, money and status), that had a good job and lots of money (=popular). 7) To have a "nice" house, car, clothes, etc. so that people would look up to me and admire me (=popular). A "lot of money" was never defined so whatever you had, you had to keep getting more.

I set out in life to go after all those things, but nothing ever felt right. I thought I was just doing it badly, and I felt fearful and guilty. But you know what? I don't believe those goals would have made me happy even if I had acheived them. At my advanced age (joke) now, I have known quite a number of people who acheived those goals - every single one of them - and were a lot less happy than I was. So, the life of my dreams has very little to do with any of those goals. The life of my dreams is dreamed from my heart and has much more to do with love, peace, courage, fun, kindness and living in the now.

When I listen to people talk, they are often talking about those goals and I feel so sad because I don't believe they will be happy even if they reach every one.

Who do you want to be?

In order for me to have the life of my dreams, I need to be the person who is capable of making that happen. Who is that? Is that me? If the answer is "no," does that mean that I'm not recognizing my worth? Or does it mean that I am in need of improvement? Probably it's some of both. A lot of my improvement will come from making the attempt to create the life of my dreams. If I feel unworthy, but still make the life of my dreams my goal, the part of me that wants the best for me will make it possible for me to grow into the person I want to be, as well as recognize the beauty of who I am right now.

I can't because....

Since I work with people who want to make changes in their lives, I have heard a lot of statements that they think are reasons and I think are just excuses. My favorite one is, "I don't have time." In fact, I've used that one a lot myself. What that really means is that I haven't made whatever it is a priority. What's sad is that what replaces the activity that would change my life, is usually something like mindless t.v. Actually, everyone has the same amount of time: 24 hours a day. It's annoying to those of us who think we don't have time to exercise to look at Michelle and Barak. Both of them look to be in great shape and from what I hear they get up extra early and put in the time to exercise. Hmmm. Exactly what would I be doing that would be more important than what they're doing? What could be more important than creating the life of my dreams?

What If?

What if the first thing we did every morning was to think about what we could do that day that would be so enjoyable we would remember the day forever? Why not? And, of course, whatever we thought of, we would do.

Comfort or Progress?

When I used to think about the life of my dreams, I would think about all the things wrong with my life. Of course, then I would feel terrible - discouraged, down on myself, angry about how life was treating me, etc. I definitely did not feel like taking any action. So, I looked for ways to distract myself from my crummy feelings - television, reading, eating, talking on the phone, etc. etc. etc. Sure enough I would forget about the whole thing, go to sleep and start the process over again the next day . Certainly no progress was made.

What I finally learned was that the way to the life of my dreams - is and always will be - to focus on what I wanted instead of what I didn't want. This is a whole lot harder, by the way, than focusing on the negative. It may just be the way my brain works. It's always easier for me to complain than to decide what I want. However, putting in the time, energy and work to decide what I want in each area of my life has paid off in amazing and incredible ways. Sometimes I am just shocked at how ignorant I am about what is in my heart. Once I see and understand what I truly want, I am excited and ready to take the action necessary to get what I want.

The Rules

One of the first things we learn from the time we are very, very little is what the rules are. Most of us are pretty quick to figure out what will get us attention and what our caregivers want. All of that learning stays with us even when we're adults so that when we try to think about the life of our dreams, we are often thinking about what our parents and other caregivers wanted us to want. But in order to have the life of our dreams, we really have to sort out which thoughts come from our early learning and which come from our hearts as we are now. There might be - and probably is - a big difference. Sometimes the best way to sort it out is to try out some things, either in real life or in imagination and just see how we really think and feel. For example, since I was always encouraged to read as a child, I might think the life of my dreams would include being a librarian. But if I went to the library and spent several hours there watching what the librarians do, I would notice they don't have that much interaction with people and they don't sit and read. Oops. Probably being a librarian isn't going to match with the life of my dreams.

Twitter

I haven't signed up for Twitter yet. I don't even have a Facebook page or a website. But these things are transforming our world and I want to be a part of them. So.... despite my lagging computer skills, I'm going forward. If I understand correctly, Twitter is based on the question, "what are you doing?" I'm not sure I really want to know what everyone I know and a number of people I don't know are doing at the moment. I'm fairly sure that no one I know is actually going to want to know what I'm doing. However, the question is a good one - what are you doing? There are some important follow up questions: Is what you're doing related to the life of your dreams? If not, why not? Is there some way that you could make it relate? For example, I just fixed my lunch. How is that related to the life of my dreams. Well, I had sauteed spinach and mushrooms, a hardboiled egg and a glass of orange juice. The life of my dreams includes good health and when I decided what to eat, I was thinking about that. You might be surprised at how easy it is to use focusing on the life of your dreams to order your daily tasks.