Trying to roof a house before you're finished with the foundation is obviously futile. But I used to try to set goals and achieve them before I actually knew who I was and why I wanted to achieve those goals. I usually only put a few days of effort into working toward them before I gave up. No wonder. I was definitely trying to work without a foundation.
I finally realized that I was choosing goals that I thought I SHOULD choose instead of goals I actually wanted. I didn't actually know what I wanted either because I was so busy trying to be who I thought I SHOULD be. It had never occurred to me to ask myself who I was or who I wanted to be and what that person, whoever she was, would want for her life.
So...it was evident that I would first have to discover who I really was...
Step 1 - Discover who I really am (or who I really want to be). Oh boy! This is not as easy as it sounds. However, you can make room for a little time with yourself on a regular basis to ask yourself some questions, and you can gradually get acquainted with yourself. Make it a time when you don't have anything else you have to do or people you need to be with. You don't have to start with the big questions like, "What do I want my life to be about?" You can just start with making a list of things you love to do. Then make a list of things you love: like what colors, food you love. Check your closet and select your favorite clothes. This is a way to start getting better acquainted with yourself.
Step 2 - What do I REALLY want? Go ahead and make a list of the goals you think you should want to achieve. Now - notice that what you REALLY want is the feeling you would get from achieving those goals.
For example, I'd like to have a convertible. I've seen them on t.v. and in the movies. The people driving them look happy and carefree. (Except for Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff!) So what I really want is to feel happy and carefree. This exercise will help you separate the goals that give you the result you REALLY want, from the goals you think you SHOULD want.
I know I SHOULD lose weight. But the feeling I would have by losing weight is a feeling of accomplishment, looking better, and feeling better. When my goal is how I want to feel, I'm a lot more motivated than by a "should."
Step 3: Begin to add the things you love to your life on a daily basis.
Here's the easy part. The fun part. Start adding the stuff you love to your life. Don't spend a lot of money; just add the simple, easy things. Wear the clothes you love, eat healthy food you love, do some of the activities you love.
By making these changes you're telling yourself that you really are capable and ready to build the life of your dreams. You are building a foundation of self-knowledge and are learning what you really love - invaluable for moving forward.
Empowerment enhances the ability of individuals or organizations to make choices and transform those choices into positive outcomes. Empowered people have recognized their own value and strength and their capacity to handle life's problems. In turn they are better able to influence the course of their lives. With information and support, most people can find within themselves the power to direct their lives and reach their dreams.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Changing Focus
As I've changed my focus in my personal life, my focus has changed a lot in my professional life. Right now I'm in a transition period as I work on discovering how to transition my professional focus from goal setting to more inner work for the purpose of creating the life of our dreams. More will be revealed.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Why I Love Being Over 70 years old!
I've never really dreaded getting older. I've always been short in stature and looked younger than I was. I attributed my perception that "I got no respect" (Rodney Dangerfield's joke), to being short and young, so I always wanted to be older than I was.
Now that I'm technically an "old lady," I've reached my objective - I'm finally "old enough."
I'm old enough to truly not care that I'm not sexy. I'm old enough to realize that getting enough sleep and general down time is vitally important. I'm old enough to know that my spirituality can come first. I'm old enough to know that prestige is pretty much worthless for happiness. I'm old enough to know that being busy is not the same as accomplishment. I'm old enough to know to realize that social convention will not bring me love.
Of course, it's too bad that I didn't know all that when I was 20, 30, 40, or 50. But I'm grateful that I've got it now!
Now that I'm technically an "old lady," I've reached my objective - I'm finally "old enough."
I'm old enough to truly not care that I'm not sexy. I'm old enough to realize that getting enough sleep and general down time is vitally important. I'm old enough to know that my spirituality can come first. I'm old enough to know that prestige is pretty much worthless for happiness. I'm old enough to know that being busy is not the same as accomplishment. I'm old enough to know to realize that social convention will not bring me love.
Of course, it's too bad that I didn't know all that when I was 20, 30, 40, or 50. But I'm grateful that I've got it now!
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Getting Rid of a Bad Habit
I used to think that how you got rid of a bad habit was that you just stopped. Slam on the brakes. Try to avoid the whiplash. Then get out of the old car, get a new car and drive a different direction.
For the first half of my life that was the method I tried over and over. It did NOT work. Some other driver seemed to be driving my car. I felt like a loser. The more I tried the method and it didn't work, the more I was sure I was a loser. I found myself back in the old car like a night terror. New Year's Resolutions, daily resolutions - nothing but failure.
Only in these new years have I finally found resources so I could learn about how to get rid of a bad habit. It's not that I didn't dig but what I found didn't work. What I turned up was, do something for 21 days and you will have formed a habit. I couldn't do something for 21 days. One to three was my pattern. Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it when you do the bad habit. I couldn't remember to do it.
Here are the basics:
1) I had to have a good habit to replace the bad one.
2) The good habit had to be one I truly wanted - not just something I thought I "should" want.
3) I had to start ridiculously small.
4) I had to have lots of support from the people around me.
5) I had to make sure I understood what the bad habit was doing for me. I believe everything we do has purpose, but often the purpose is unconscious. For example, when I stopped smoking I learned that part of the reason I smoked was because I felt sophisticated and I saw non-smokers as kind of boring. That had to change.
6) The new habit needed to be in place every single day.
7) I needed to reward myself for the progress I made and stay off my case when I had a slip.
8) I learned to start over and never, ever, ever, give up.
For the first half of my life that was the method I tried over and over. It did NOT work. Some other driver seemed to be driving my car. I felt like a loser. The more I tried the method and it didn't work, the more I was sure I was a loser. I found myself back in the old car like a night terror. New Year's Resolutions, daily resolutions - nothing but failure.
Only in these new years have I finally found resources so I could learn about how to get rid of a bad habit. It's not that I didn't dig but what I found didn't work. What I turned up was, do something for 21 days and you will have formed a habit. I couldn't do something for 21 days. One to three was my pattern. Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it when you do the bad habit. I couldn't remember to do it.
Here are the basics:
1) I had to have a good habit to replace the bad one.
2) The good habit had to be one I truly wanted - not just something I thought I "should" want.
3) I had to start ridiculously small.
4) I had to have lots of support from the people around me.
5) I had to make sure I understood what the bad habit was doing for me. I believe everything we do has purpose, but often the purpose is unconscious. For example, when I stopped smoking I learned that part of the reason I smoked was because I felt sophisticated and I saw non-smokers as kind of boring. That had to change.
6) The new habit needed to be in place every single day.
7) I needed to reward myself for the progress I made and stay off my case when I had a slip.
8) I learned to start over and never, ever, ever, give up.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Habits that Enhance Our Lives
I just finished reading "The Power of Habits" by Charles Duhigg. It's been a best seller and I can see why. The author has included a lot of fascinating information about how habits influence both individual lives, social movements and companies. It's a very interesting read.
On the down side, I thought some of the examples were off base and somewhat forced when it came to organizations. I am familiar with some of the examples and just didn't see what they read into it.
However, there are some really useful ideas about habits in the book. My experience definitely agrees with what they say about how habits affect our lives. The percentage they used was 40% of the time we are operating out of habit. I would have said more than 50% of the time but whatever. Since we are on automatic pilot when we're acting out of habit, those habits had better be good ones or our lives will not be what we would wish them to be.
The difficulty comes when we try to change our habits. According to the author, our brains actually change when we form a habit and the change is there forever. In order to change a habit, an overlay has to form to obscure the old habit and form the new one.
To form a new habit, it must be attached to a habit we already have and want to keep. For example, if we want to form the habit of exercising, the first thing is to determine when we want to do it. Right after our first two cups of coffee, for example. The coffee is firmly in place and exercising immediately after anchors the new habit in time. That's called a "cue." Without a cue to start a new habit, it's not going to happen.
Then by repetition a routine develops. The more it's repeated, the more ingrained it becomes. Then the new habit shows up in the brain as strongly as the old habit. Of course, if the routine stops, the old habit comes to the surface and fills in the space where the new one was.
There has to be a reward for the new habit to stay in place. It's not good enough that we "should" do the new habit. That doesn't work with our brain chemistry. For example, with exercise, it takes awhile for us to reap the rewards of being stronger and healthier. So, we'll need to find a way to reward ourselves for carrying out the habit if we want to stay motivated.
I wonder why more attention isn't paid to the skill of developing habits since so much of our quality of life is bound up in our habits. I know for myself I've often had really good intentions but forgot to carry them out. I put myself down and felt ashamed but I really didn't know what to do about it. This new information is a huge help.
On the down side, I thought some of the examples were off base and somewhat forced when it came to organizations. I am familiar with some of the examples and just didn't see what they read into it.
However, there are some really useful ideas about habits in the book. My experience definitely agrees with what they say about how habits affect our lives. The percentage they used was 40% of the time we are operating out of habit. I would have said more than 50% of the time but whatever. Since we are on automatic pilot when we're acting out of habit, those habits had better be good ones or our lives will not be what we would wish them to be.
The difficulty comes when we try to change our habits. According to the author, our brains actually change when we form a habit and the change is there forever. In order to change a habit, an overlay has to form to obscure the old habit and form the new one.
To form a new habit, it must be attached to a habit we already have and want to keep. For example, if we want to form the habit of exercising, the first thing is to determine when we want to do it. Right after our first two cups of coffee, for example. The coffee is firmly in place and exercising immediately after anchors the new habit in time. That's called a "cue." Without a cue to start a new habit, it's not going to happen.
Then by repetition a routine develops. The more it's repeated, the more ingrained it becomes. Then the new habit shows up in the brain as strongly as the old habit. Of course, if the routine stops, the old habit comes to the surface and fills in the space where the new one was.
There has to be a reward for the new habit to stay in place. It's not good enough that we "should" do the new habit. That doesn't work with our brain chemistry. For example, with exercise, it takes awhile for us to reap the rewards of being stronger and healthier. So, we'll need to find a way to reward ourselves for carrying out the habit if we want to stay motivated.
I wonder why more attention isn't paid to the skill of developing habits since so much of our quality of life is bound up in our habits. I know for myself I've often had really good intentions but forgot to carry them out. I put myself down and felt ashamed but I really didn't know what to do about it. This new information is a huge help.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
The Upside and the Downside of Habits
My habits have always seemed to be barriers to my heart's desires. Eventually, I realized that it would be a good idea to actually research what's known about habits so I've been in that process for awhile now. I have learned a lot, and the more I learn, the more I find I need and want to learn.
Here's what I think, so far, about "bad" habits:
Here's what I think, so far, about "good" habits:
Here's what I think, so far, about "bad" habits:
- I don't believe bad habits happen because I'm a bad person. I believe they serve a purpose. They developed because, unconsciously, I thought they were helpful. Overeating is an example. Eating pleasurable foods is a great antidote to emotional pain. I unconsciously used it as a tool. A better way would be to notice when I have emotional pain and learn how to comfort myself in ways that don't have such negative consequences.
Here's what I think, so far, about "good" habits:
- I believe that forming "good" habits is a lot harder than we believe. I was taught that you just start doing what you should be doing anyway and not make any kind of a fuss about it. Well, so far in my life I haven't met anybody who has done that. Learning to form new habits is an art and requires study and support from others. The formation of habits, new research indicates, has evolved as a survival tool. For example, we can't possibly think about everything necessary to drive a car. The process of learning is to a large extent dependent on putting the actions necessary into unconscious mind.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Mindlessness
Several years ago I took a seminar on "mindfulness," and they told the students that most of us go through life like robots, operating mainly unconsciously. We often give almost no thought to how we feel, what we're thinking, what we're doing, why we're doing what we're doing, what's going on around us - mindlessness.
My mind was usually worrying about what I "needed" to do next and what terrible things were going to happen if I didn't, my personal shortcomings, what somebody else was doing or not doing. I was either living in the future or the past. It would have been extremely unusual for me to actually notice my body, my feelings, or my environment.
When I heard that mindfulness was preferable to "mindlessness," I wasn't sure why it was. I really thought it was just how human beings were and there was really no choice in it so why does it matter anyway. The answer to "Why does it matter, anyway?" was that when I lived in my head, thinking about the past or the future, I was totally missing the present - which is where my life is actually lived. It would be possible for me to go to my grave without ever having really participated in the life I have been mysteriously given! It's also possible, however, to make a choice to live in the here and now and actually experience my life.
I realized I didn't want my life to have been about housework and whether I was pretty enough and whether I had enough money, and whether the people in my life were doing what I wanted. Those were the things that revolved in my mind every day and were, therefore, my life as I was living it. Yuck!
They mentioned that the choice to live mindfully was one that had to be made - not just daily but moment by moment. It's a very difficult discipline. However, I can testify that as I continue to make that choice in my life, I continue to be more and more in touch with my heart and the love in the universe. What else could be more important?
My mind was usually worrying about what I "needed" to do next and what terrible things were going to happen if I didn't, my personal shortcomings, what somebody else was doing or not doing. I was either living in the future or the past. It would have been extremely unusual for me to actually notice my body, my feelings, or my environment.
When I heard that mindfulness was preferable to "mindlessness," I wasn't sure why it was. I really thought it was just how human beings were and there was really no choice in it so why does it matter anyway. The answer to "Why does it matter, anyway?" was that when I lived in my head, thinking about the past or the future, I was totally missing the present - which is where my life is actually lived. It would be possible for me to go to my grave without ever having really participated in the life I have been mysteriously given! It's also possible, however, to make a choice to live in the here and now and actually experience my life.
I realized I didn't want my life to have been about housework and whether I was pretty enough and whether I had enough money, and whether the people in my life were doing what I wanted. Those were the things that revolved in my mind every day and were, therefore, my life as I was living it. Yuck!
They mentioned that the choice to live mindfully was one that had to be made - not just daily but moment by moment. It's a very difficult discipline. However, I can testify that as I continue to make that choice in my life, I continue to be more and more in touch with my heart and the love in the universe. What else could be more important?
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