The Secret to Making Positive Changes for Your Life

The biggest secret, in my experience, to making positive changes is to NEVER, NEVER, EVER, EVER give up.  Change is hard - very, very hard.  I've talked to probably hundreds of people who were trying to make changes and struggling.  Plus I may be the queen of taking a very long time to finally get a positive change integrated into my life.  A lot of people just give up and never try again.  "It's too hard," they say to themselves.  "I'm a failure," they say to themselves.  I did that for a long time. 

I had a friend that was trying to make a change in her behavior.  I asked her how she was doing and she replied, "Oh, I tried it for a day.  It was too hard so I stopped."  Oh sweet spirits of transformation!  She was a perfect reflection of me.  I thought to myself although I didn't say it to her, "She's totally uncommitted.  She wants change to be easy."  Then I realized I was just the same way.

Finally I got so disgusted I started researching solutions.  I've probably read dozens of books on the topics of self-discipline, organization, time management, spiritual help for sloth, how to get past procrastination, and on and on.  Each of them was a help for a day or two or three or maybe even four.  Then I would totally forget about the whole thing and go back to my usual way of living which was none too good for me.  Weeks or months later I might remember and try again.  This stuff went on for years.  It was very discouraging. 

Finally I saw that the main problem was that I was giving up over and over again, and that my bad memory about what I was trying to change was just my way of quitting.  So I started doing everything I could to remind myself of what I was doing.  Little bit by little bit, I began to change. 

For example, just simple things like taking my medicine and nutritional supplements every day were huge problems.  I was dependent for my well being on remembering to take them, but I forgot several days a week.  I made new resolves but forgot again.  I got uncomfortable and read some more books, wrote in my journal about it.  Eventually as I kept trying, I succeeded. 

It's probably been two or three years that I've been consistent about taking meds and supplements.  So I know for a fact that when I keep trying to find ways that work for me to change a habit, eventually I find something that works.  Therefore, I deeply believe that everybody can do it if they NEVER, NEVER, EVER, EVER give up.

Living from the Heart

One of the ways I honor my decision to live from the heart is to give myself just a couple of minutes each morning with my coffee to ask my heart what would honor loving kindness today.  It's amazing how quickly I move from the things that really don't matter on my to do list to the things that do.  Usually I immediately know that staying in touch with people is at the top of the list, caring for the living things in my household is next, and then caring for my own well being which usually is exercise and good food, prayer and meditation, and rest.

Please, I Beg You! Stop Making Those New Year's Resolutions!!!

It's a really, really bad idea to set yourself up to join all those people who are at the gym in January and gone in February!  Or whatever the equivalent goal is that you're thinking about setting for yourself.  If you're anything like me, the goals you think you should set for yourself are based on someone else's ideas about what would be good for you - maybe even ideas you got when you were a child or ideas you got from the media.  Ideas about how you should look, what you should do with your time and money, what kind of car you should drive, what your home should be like, and anything else you can think of that would (you think) make you more socially acceptable.  None of those goals actually originate from you - from the real you - from your heart and soul.  So maybe they aren't even what would benefit you.

Of course, there are some almost universal goals that probably would benefit you - things like eating healthier in 2013 or exercising more, or getting more sleep.  The thing is, if they are just "shoulds" in your mind, the deepest part of you isn't going to help you achieve them.   What has worked for me is a whole paradigm shift from "shoulds" to "living from the heart."

Since "living from the heart" sounds so lofty and inaccessible, I will just list a few things I've done and still do at the beginning of each year to give myself some direction:

1.  Make a collage using poster board and pictures from magazines.  I take 30 minutes (set a timer) and rip out pictures that just seem to speak to me.  I deliberately pay no attention to what I'm thinking.  When the time is up, I just make a collage from the pictures I've accumulated.  I still don't try to think about why I liked the pictures.  When the collage is done, THEN I look at them and think about what those particular pictures say to me about how my deepest self wants to live life in the next year.

2.  Spend some quiet time thinking about how I can best take care of myself this next year.  What kinds of things do I enjoy that I've not gotten around to lately.  Make a list of those.

3.  Spend a little more quiet time thinking about the people I love and what I could do that would make them feel even more loved this year.

4.  Last but not least, I spend a little more quiet time to think about what I would do with this year if it were the last one I had on the earth.  Usually some thoughts about my life purpose are part of this meditation.  I believe all of us know unconsciously what our life purpose is and even just a little time asking ourselves what we can do this coming year to advance that purpose - whatever we believe that is - will, when added to the about three activities - give us direction that we will really WANT to take - that will take very little or no willpower to acheive.

Simplicity for Christmas

I guess there are some people who sail through the holidays, peacefully, smoothly with joy in their hearts.  They probably buy the perfect gifts for their loved ones.  They love Christmas music no matter how often they hear it.  The incessant advertising doesn't bother them at all.  They have a Christmas card list with hundreds of names and the cards are all ready to mail on December 1st. 

These folks probably also have kids and full time jobs but they are just very well organized and need very little sleep.  Also they have very high energy.  The bills that come in in January don't show any increase because they've saved all year for Christmas and did not run up their credit cards.

 These people have to exist - so many of us are trying to be like them.

So far, though, I've not met anybody that fits the above description. 

As for me, my main problem with the holidays - especially Christmas - is the feeling that I'm failing to do it right; that the presents I buy will not be what they want, etc.  Sometimes Christmas cards went out after Christmas.

I felt like everyone was disappointed - especially when I was a young mother and wanted to please my kids so badly but had so little money that we strung popcorn, cranberries, and paper chains to decorate the Christmas tree.  For a long time I let the sadness I felt at Christmas follow me year after year.

I was raised by schoolteachers which had the effect of teaching me that somewhere, someplace were solutions for my problems.  Since these were the days a way long time before Google, I had to go to the library and ask people.  I began to come up with some solutions from reading books and getting ideas for other people.  I started earlier in the year and put back money.  I talked to my kids about limited resources to let them know they weren't loved less if they didn't get everything they wanted.  I made jokes about being the "grinch." 

Now I've completed a lot of research and have developed a philosophy for myself - not for anybody else - about Christmas which I will share a little of here.  IF you want simplicity at Christmas like I do, you might try some of these things:

*  Make a list of everything you do for Christmas.  Cross out the ones that aren't fun for you and only do the fun things.  If you are sharing the holiday with someone else, have them do the same thing.  You can each do fun things from the other's list.

*  Christmas cards.  Would it be just as much fun to send Valentines instead?

*  To reduce waste and unwanted gifts, try consumables (food, movie tickets, gift cards from their favorite stores and restaurants.)

* Sacks and decorated boxes can simplify wrapping and waste.  The "wrapping" can be used again.

*  Focus on the things you love about Christmas.  For example, I love Christmas music - especially instrumental music.  I have a small collection of favorite CDs and I listen to them in the car.  I attend a church production (free) of the Messiah every year.

Check out simple Christmases on line and get more ideas.  Have fun instead of stress this year.

A Life Built on Intention

A long, long, long time ago I went to a seminar that was extremely unusual.  I had no idea what I was getting into - my neighbor recommended it and since I felt like I was living in hell emotionally I went.  It was definitely a transformative experience as I guess it was for a lot of people.  The thing is, there was no follow up to speak of to help use what we had learned. As a result, like a lot of things, my awareness faded to some sparkles on the background of my life.

Just the other day, though, I heard the word, "intention" which was the center of the seminar's teaching.  I was reminded that my normal way of living was to kind of float through the day or struggle through the day, whichever seems to be the way it had to be.  Of course I had goals that I worked on, but I only thought about "intention" when I was working on those goals.  The seminar taught me to have a CONSCIOUS intention for everything.  All of us have unconscious intentions and those intentions may or may not be in our best interests.  Conscious intentions cause me to give prayerful thought to why I'm doing whatever it is I plan to do.

Questions to answer in order to set an intention:  What is my intention for this day?  What is my intention for the conversation I'm having with_______?  What is my intention for this trip to the grocery store?  And so forth.  It's best if I don't have an intention like, "to get it over with."  Often that's the kind of unconscious intention I have and I don't get that great of results that way.  What if my intention were "to have a peaceful, loving day."  Keeping that intention in mind will bear amazing results.  So will all my thoughtful intentions.

A Secret Experiment of the Every Day

"To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts."  - Henry David Thoreau

Let's take Sarah Ban Breathnach's advice and become "artists of the everyday."  She suggests conducting a secret experiment to see just how much influence we can have on the quality of each day - to try to elevate the simple to the level of sacred. 

Here's a summary of what she discovered:  It doesn't matter what the weather is like (you can still have a quality day), the same is true as to whether there are problems in the day - that doesn't matter either.  What does matter:  if we expect to have a quality day, there's a good chance we will.  An attitude adjustment/shift in perception is all that's needed to turn a lousy day into a quality day.  The next biggest factor is the amount of creativity, love and enthusiasm we put into the day.

Ideas:   Appreciate the small rituals of each day - crossing the threshold on the way out and the way in.  Changing into comfortable clothes, dressing for the day, starting a good book, watching a movie with family, touching glasses in a toast at breakfast to wish each other a quality day.  You can think of many, many more.

What's the Point?

Somewhere in midlife many of us ask ourselves why we're doing everything we're doing.  The point of it all seems to elude us.  Sometimes we're raising children and we see that as the point.  Maybe we're trying to get ahead financially and we see that as the point.  We usually have a long list of "points" as to why we're doing what we're doing.  But we might be unsure as to what the REAL point is.

But what if the point is what Samuel Johnson said, "To be happy at home is the result of all ambition."  That might change our whole outlook.  In thinking about this I had to ask myself - where am I going to be happy if not at home?  If I'm not happy at home, why not?  What do I need to do to be happy at home?  When am I going to get started on making myself (and anyone else who lives here) happy at home?

The answers will vary from person to person.  Some examples might be:  beautiful surroundings, peace and quiet, simplicity, fun things to do, music, children playing, creative activities.  Everyone will have to answer for him/herself.  But isn't it one of the most important questions you could ever answer?