Cheryl Richardson's newsletter for this week listed these characteristics developed by Maslow who was the originator of humanistic psychology. He is best known for his hierarchy of human needs. I'm re-printing this list here because Maslow paints a picture of a person who has achieved a life of his/her dreams. By using it as a checklist we can see what areas we might want to work on.
Maslow's self-actualizing characteristics:
• See problems in terms of challenges and situations requiring solutions, rather than see problems as personal complaints or excuses.
• Need for privacy and comfortable being alone.
• Reliant on own experiences and judgment - independent - not reliant on culture and environment to form opinions and views.
• Not susceptible to social pressures - non-conformist.
• Democratic, fair and non-discriminating - embracing and enjoying all cultures, races and individual styles.
• Socially compassionate - possessing humanity.
• Accepting others as they are and not trying to change people.
• Comfortable with oneself - despite any unconventional tendencies.
• A few close intimate friends rather than many surface relationships.
• Sense of humor directed at oneself or the human condition, rather than at the expense of others.
• Spontaneous and natural - true to oneself, rather than being how others want.
• Excited and interested in everything, even ordinary things.
*Creative, inventive and original
Empowerment enhances the ability of individuals or organizations to make choices and transform those choices into positive outcomes. Empowered people have recognized their own value and strength and their capacity to handle life's problems. In turn they are better able to influence the course of their lives. With information and support, most people can find within themselves the power to direct their lives and reach their dreams.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Ten Commandments of Leadership
I've seen this list attributed to Mother Theresa and a variety of other possible authors including "anonymous." The one I've got says the author is Howard Ferguson. I like it because it points out that the life of our dreams is probably not going to be the one where we are popular with every human being we come in contact with, are rich and famous, etc. Most likely we are going to love the life in which we do the right thing.
1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.
2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good anyway.
3. If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.
4. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.
6. The biggest people with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest people with the smallest
ideas. Think big anyway.
7. People favor underdogs, but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.
9. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help them anyway.
10. Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you
have anyway.
1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.
2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good anyway.
3. If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.
4. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.
6. The biggest people with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest people with the smallest
ideas. Think big anyway.
7. People favor underdogs, but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.
9. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help them anyway.
10. Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you
have anyway.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Itty-Bitty Teeny-Tiny, Little, or Even-Smaller-Than-That Steps
I don't know about everybody else, but I am a rebel at heart. If I dream up something for myself to do; something that will get me closer to the life of my dreams, I immediately think of all the reasons why I don't have to do it and go do something else. Luckily I am also a stubborn, hard-headed woman who seriously pursues the life of her dreams. So, I've always fought back against the rebel part of me and as a result come closer to the life of my dreams than I ever could have imagined.
As I've mentioned before, I accidently ran into a blog by Steve Pavlina who has written an immense amount about personal development. I'm not crazy about his ideas about sex, but his ideas about motivating yourself work like a charm for me. The one that has had the most impact for me is challenging yourself to take action steps - tiny action steps, for a tiny amount of time. I do one-day challenges and then assess whether the action step was the right one for me, how I felt about it and whether I want to proceed. Then I give myself a three-day challenge. If it still feels right, I go to a seven-day challenge and then to a thirty-day challenge. By that time taking the action is a comfortable part of my daily life, so if I still feel it's beneficial I can continue it.
By using this method I discovered that the reason I balk at change - even change that will benefit me - is that I'm afraid of failure. So the itty-bitty, teeny-tiny goals that are so small it's almost impossible to fail to do them in a one-day challenge, gradually get me where I want to go without all the emotional uproar that used to face me as soon as I set a goal. I have stopped kicking myself and instead, care for myself.
And that is the miracle.
As I've mentioned before, I accidently ran into a blog by Steve Pavlina who has written an immense amount about personal development. I'm not crazy about his ideas about sex, but his ideas about motivating yourself work like a charm for me. The one that has had the most impact for me is challenging yourself to take action steps - tiny action steps, for a tiny amount of time. I do one-day challenges and then assess whether the action step was the right one for me, how I felt about it and whether I want to proceed. Then I give myself a three-day challenge. If it still feels right, I go to a seven-day challenge and then to a thirty-day challenge. By that time taking the action is a comfortable part of my daily life, so if I still feel it's beneficial I can continue it.
By using this method I discovered that the reason I balk at change - even change that will benefit me - is that I'm afraid of failure. So the itty-bitty, teeny-tiny goals that are so small it's almost impossible to fail to do them in a one-day challenge, gradually get me where I want to go without all the emotional uproar that used to face me as soon as I set a goal. I have stopped kicking myself and instead, care for myself.
And that is the miracle.
Friday, February 4, 2011
How to Find Out what You REALLY Want
Maybe you are one of those people who was taught that only very unusual, talented people got to have the life of their dreams (and, of course, they told you that you were not one of them). There's an almost 100% chance that you've been misled. Even if you have some severe disabilities, you still have a really good chance of having the life of your dreams. The thing is, the barriers you are meeting that stand in your way actually come from what you learned as a child. So, the work you will need to do to reach the life of your dreams will have to start (and continue) with working on your own mind and your beliefs about yourself and the world.
Step One - and you can't skip this one - is to make it a habit to watch your thoughts. This practice begins with taking some time every day to just sit still and observe how your mind constantly races with thoughts about this and that. You are probably so used to this that you aren't really paying attention most of the time. But this process totally influences how you feel and what you do. That's the bad news because most of your thoughts are either going to be inconsequential or negative. So, I'm sorry to say, a lot of what you and a lot of other people do every day is either inconsequential (having nothing to do with the life of your dreams) or negative.
Then off and on throughout the day, just notice what you are thinking. You will find that a lot of your thoughts are kicking yourself for mistakes you made, complaints about other people and/or your environment, and worry about the future. As you notice your thoughts, also notice that none of them are helpful to you in any way whatsoever and that none of them help you get to the life of your dreams.
Step Two - The good news is that all this noticing your thoughts is just a lead in to changing them to better and more helpful thoughts. Yes, I know, most of us have been taught to believe that our thoughts are out of our control. But the good news is, as I just said, that's not true - we can definitely make a huge dent in the nonsense our brains churn out on a day to day basis. The bad news is that it's a lot of work. So, if you really want what you've envisioned as the life of your dreams, it's going to cost you a lot of work - mental work, that is.
Step Three - Begin to imagine what the life of your dreams would be like. All the goal-setting gurus say that without this step, you can't possibly have what you want. Take the time every day to just spend a few minutes imagining what your life will be like when you get to the life you want. Where will you live? What will you be doing every day? Who else will be there? What will you do for fun? How much money will you need and how will you spend it? What will you wear for clothes. How will your health be? There are hundreds of questions to ask yourself.
Step Four - Begin to occupy your thoughts with ideas about the answers to these questions. Trust me, you are going to enjoy your thoughts a lot more when they're focused on what you want. As part of this process, be sure to ask yourself if these are things you REALLY want. As you imagine them, see how you feel emotionally and how your body feels. Do you feel happy and excited or does imagining these things make you feel anxious. If you feel anxious, ask yourself why. Maybe you just thought you wanted these things but there are other things you might like better.
Step Five - As you imagine these things and what it will be like to have them, there would be nothing wrong with also using your creativity to imagine what you would need to do to create them.
With these five steps you can make a terrific start on creating the life of your dreams. The positive emotions you will have by changing your thought will motivate you to begin taking the steps to a life that is closer and closer to what you REALLY want.
Step One - and you can't skip this one - is to make it a habit to watch your thoughts. This practice begins with taking some time every day to just sit still and observe how your mind constantly races with thoughts about this and that. You are probably so used to this that you aren't really paying attention most of the time. But this process totally influences how you feel and what you do. That's the bad news because most of your thoughts are either going to be inconsequential or negative. So, I'm sorry to say, a lot of what you and a lot of other people do every day is either inconsequential (having nothing to do with the life of your dreams) or negative.
Then off and on throughout the day, just notice what you are thinking. You will find that a lot of your thoughts are kicking yourself for mistakes you made, complaints about other people and/or your environment, and worry about the future. As you notice your thoughts, also notice that none of them are helpful to you in any way whatsoever and that none of them help you get to the life of your dreams.
Step Two - The good news is that all this noticing your thoughts is just a lead in to changing them to better and more helpful thoughts. Yes, I know, most of us have been taught to believe that our thoughts are out of our control. But the good news is, as I just said, that's not true - we can definitely make a huge dent in the nonsense our brains churn out on a day to day basis. The bad news is that it's a lot of work. So, if you really want what you've envisioned as the life of your dreams, it's going to cost you a lot of work - mental work, that is.
Step Three - Begin to imagine what the life of your dreams would be like. All the goal-setting gurus say that without this step, you can't possibly have what you want. Take the time every day to just spend a few minutes imagining what your life will be like when you get to the life you want. Where will you live? What will you be doing every day? Who else will be there? What will you do for fun? How much money will you need and how will you spend it? What will you wear for clothes. How will your health be? There are hundreds of questions to ask yourself.
Step Four - Begin to occupy your thoughts with ideas about the answers to these questions. Trust me, you are going to enjoy your thoughts a lot more when they're focused on what you want. As part of this process, be sure to ask yourself if these are things you REALLY want. As you imagine them, see how you feel emotionally and how your body feels. Do you feel happy and excited or does imagining these things make you feel anxious. If you feel anxious, ask yourself why. Maybe you just thought you wanted these things but there are other things you might like better.
Step Five - As you imagine these things and what it will be like to have them, there would be nothing wrong with also using your creativity to imagine what you would need to do to create them.
With these five steps you can make a terrific start on creating the life of your dreams. The positive emotions you will have by changing your thought will motivate you to begin taking the steps to a life that is closer and closer to what you REALLY want.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Speak Peace
More from "Speak Peace in a World of Conflict"
Rosenberg ends his book with a discussion of how to get social change in a peaceful way - by committing to understanding the people we deal with - what their human needs are and how we can help each other make the world a better place. He says, however, that unless we can be at peace with ourselves and with the others in our lives, we don't have much in the way of hope for making social change but what else could we do that would do as much to create the life of our dreams?
Rosenberg ends his book with a discussion of how to get social change in a peaceful way - by committing to understanding the people we deal with - what their human needs are and how we can help each other make the world a better place. He says, however, that unless we can be at peace with ourselves and with the others in our lives, we don't have much in the way of hope for making social change but what else could we do that would do as much to create the life of our dreams?
Friday, January 7, 2011
What is Your Request?
More on "Speak Peace in a World of Conflict"
Since we've agreed that everyone without exception does what they do because it meets their needs, the answer to changing our own behavior and maybe helping others to change theirs, is to find the needs the behavior meets and then look for ways to meet those needs in a better way - a way that meets the needs better and maybe makes the world a little better. That sounds pretty lofty to me but just maybe it could work.
Those folks whose behavior we want to change - what are their needs, what's going on with them. What do we want them to do differently (instead of just telling them to stop what they're doing)? Will what we want them to do differently meet their needs? When we want to change our own behavior, wouldn't it work best if we consciously knew why we were doing what we're doing and found a way to meet our needs in a better way?
Since we've agreed that everyone without exception does what they do because it meets their needs, the answer to changing our own behavior and maybe helping others to change theirs, is to find the needs the behavior meets and then look for ways to meet those needs in a better way - a way that meets the needs better and maybe makes the world a little better. That sounds pretty lofty to me but just maybe it could work.
Those folks whose behavior we want to change - what are their needs, what's going on with them. What do we want them to do differently (instead of just telling them to stop what they're doing)? Will what we want them to do differently meet their needs? When we want to change our own behavior, wouldn't it work best if we consciously knew why we were doing what we're doing and found a way to meet our needs in a better way?
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Making Connections
More on "Speak Peace in a World of Conflict"
Okay. We've decided to be sincerely interested not just in what we feel and need ourselves but with what others feel and need. Carrying this into our behavior and communication can be incredibly scary. We know that one of the keys is to learn not to take what other people say personally, but the thing is, we have all been educated to attack each other. If I tell you what I feel and what I need and you respond with something like, "You are obviously a thin-skinned, self-centered person." my first reaction may not be that loving and understanding. So learning to pause, breathe and process is essential to communicating peacefully.
Obviously, the person I'm talking to interpreted my communication as an attack. Maybe my response should be in regard to that - letting him or her know that I care about him and just wanted him to know what was happening with me, AND that I want to know what's happening with him. I can guess what he might be feeling by asking myself what I would be feeling and needing if I were him. I can let him know that I'm just guessing and would like him to tell me what he feels and needs if I didn't guess right. Maybe I could say, "I'm just guessing, but maybe you're feeling like I'm criticizing you and don't care about how you're feeling. Is that right? But all through this process I will have to deal with my own urge to take what he says personally and attack back. Practice complete with a lot of mistakes is going to be necessary. Maybe I will have to learn to say, "I didn't mean to say that. Let me try again."
In truth other people want the same things I do - acceptance and respect from other people, to not be criticized and judged, and ultimately we all need love. The thing is we have all been educated to believe that our mission is to make other people give that to us because it's their job, because they're supposed to. But the only thing that works is to give that to other people first. The question is, how to do that when we are feeling empty and needy ourselves? Here's the paradox - if we start giving lovingly to other people, just those small acts make us feel loved. How is that possible? I have no idea. But I swear it's true. So, to be able to hold our own with people who are on the attack, we will need to have built up our strength in advance through small acts of kindness to others. Weird, huh?
Okay. We've decided to be sincerely interested not just in what we feel and need ourselves but with what others feel and need. Carrying this into our behavior and communication can be incredibly scary. We know that one of the keys is to learn not to take what other people say personally, but the thing is, we have all been educated to attack each other. If I tell you what I feel and what I need and you respond with something like, "You are obviously a thin-skinned, self-centered person." my first reaction may not be that loving and understanding. So learning to pause, breathe and process is essential to communicating peacefully.
Obviously, the person I'm talking to interpreted my communication as an attack. Maybe my response should be in regard to that - letting him or her know that I care about him and just wanted him to know what was happening with me, AND that I want to know what's happening with him. I can guess what he might be feeling by asking myself what I would be feeling and needing if I were him. I can let him know that I'm just guessing and would like him to tell me what he feels and needs if I didn't guess right. Maybe I could say, "I'm just guessing, but maybe you're feeling like I'm criticizing you and don't care about how you're feeling. Is that right? But all through this process I will have to deal with my own urge to take what he says personally and attack back. Practice complete with a lot of mistakes is going to be necessary. Maybe I will have to learn to say, "I didn't mean to say that. Let me try again."
In truth other people want the same things I do - acceptance and respect from other people, to not be criticized and judged, and ultimately we all need love. The thing is we have all been educated to believe that our mission is to make other people give that to us because it's their job, because they're supposed to. But the only thing that works is to give that to other people first. The question is, how to do that when we are feeling empty and needy ourselves? Here's the paradox - if we start giving lovingly to other people, just those small acts make us feel loved. How is that possible? I have no idea. But I swear it's true. So, to be able to hold our own with people who are on the attack, we will need to have built up our strength in advance through small acts of kindness to others. Weird, huh?
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