More on "Speak Peace in a World of Conflict"
Okay. We've decided to be sincerely interested not just in what we feel and need ourselves but with what others feel and need. Carrying this into our behavior and communication can be incredibly scary. We know that one of the keys is to learn not to take what other people say personally, but the thing is, we have all been educated to attack each other. If I tell you what I feel and what I need and you respond with something like, "You are obviously a thin-skinned, self-centered person." my first reaction may not be that loving and understanding. So learning to pause, breathe and process is essential to communicating peacefully.
Obviously, the person I'm talking to interpreted my communication as an attack. Maybe my response should be in regard to that - letting him or her know that I care about him and just wanted him to know what was happening with me, AND that I want to know what's happening with him. I can guess what he might be feeling by asking myself what I would be feeling and needing if I were him. I can let him know that I'm just guessing and would like him to tell me what he feels and needs if I didn't guess right. Maybe I could say, "I'm just guessing, but maybe you're feeling like I'm criticizing you and don't care about how you're feeling. Is that right? But all through this process I will have to deal with my own urge to take what he says personally and attack back. Practice complete with a lot of mistakes is going to be necessary. Maybe I will have to learn to say, "I didn't mean to say that. Let me try again."
In truth other people want the same things I do - acceptance and respect from other people, to not be criticized and judged, and ultimately we all need love. The thing is we have all been educated to believe that our mission is to make other people give that to us because it's their job, because they're supposed to. But the only thing that works is to give that to other people first. The question is, how to do that when we are feeling empty and needy ourselves? Here's the paradox - if we start giving lovingly to other people, just those small acts make us feel loved. How is that possible? I have no idea. But I swear it's true. So, to be able to hold our own with people who are on the attack, we will need to have built up our strength in advance through small acts of kindness to others. Weird, huh?
Empowerment enhances the ability of individuals or organizations to make choices and transform those choices into positive outcomes. Empowered people have recognized their own value and strength and their capacity to handle life's problems. In turn they are better able to influence the course of their lives. With information and support, most people can find within themselves the power to direct their lives and reach their dreams.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Responding to Others
More from "Speak Peace in a World of Conflict"
Looking into ourselves and identifying honestly what we're feeling and what need we are trying to meet is the first step in "speaking peace." But then comes the other half - learning to respond to other people's communications in a loving way so as to discover what they're feeling and what needs they're trying to meet. There's a good chance they've not been studying how to speak peace so we're going to have to guess what they're saying without judging them. WAY easier said than done. It doesn't mean trying to understand them with our minds; it means the understanding of the heart. Begin by being in the moment with the person. Next resolve to take nothing they say personally. Then imagine what you might be feeling and what need you might be trying to meet by saying what they are saying.
For example, suppose your spouse says to you, "You never have any time for me!" You know you spend several hours a day with her so your impulse might be to say, "That's not true. We spend a lot of time together every day." So how do you think it will go from there? Maybe a full-fledged argument about which of you is lying about the amount of time spent together. Will either of your needs get met? Not too likely in my opinion. What if you said, "Wow! I'm sorry to hear you feel that way. Are you saying you want to spend more time with me? I love that. I'd like to spend more time with you too. When and how would you like to do that?" Maybe that conversation would be more likely to meet both of your needs and make your lives more wonderful.
Looking into ourselves and identifying honestly what we're feeling and what need we are trying to meet is the first step in "speaking peace." But then comes the other half - learning to respond to other people's communications in a loving way so as to discover what they're feeling and what needs they're trying to meet. There's a good chance they've not been studying how to speak peace so we're going to have to guess what they're saying without judging them. WAY easier said than done. It doesn't mean trying to understand them with our minds; it means the understanding of the heart. Begin by being in the moment with the person. Next resolve to take nothing they say personally. Then imagine what you might be feeling and what need you might be trying to meet by saying what they are saying.
For example, suppose your spouse says to you, "You never have any time for me!" You know you spend several hours a day with her so your impulse might be to say, "That's not true. We spend a lot of time together every day." So how do you think it will go from there? Maybe a full-fledged argument about which of you is lying about the amount of time spent together. Will either of your needs get met? Not too likely in my opinion. What if you said, "Wow! I'm sorry to hear you feel that way. Are you saying you want to spend more time with me? I love that. I'd like to spend more time with you too. When and how would you like to do that?" Maybe that conversation would be more likely to meet both of your needs and make your lives more wonderful.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Intention
More from "Speak Peace in a World of Conflict"
We can learn a lot of techniques for "speaking peace," but none of them really matter unless our intention is to be loving, compassionate, to find ways to help ourselves and others meet our needs without hurting anyone and to make our lives more wonderful. That sounds so lofty and hopelessly high flown that it must be an intention for saints, right? No, I don't think so. I think its a great intention for a happy life. The thing is the world is so full of hate and conflict that it is hard not to be drawn into it at any given moment during the day. For me I find it necessary to set up reminders throughout the day to keep my intention in mind. Sometimes it's a peace of jewelry, sometimes I set the alarm on my phone, sometimes it's a prayer I carry with me and look at when I think of it through out the day. Even so I often forget, but I remember more than I used to. I know a Vietnamese man who wears the clothes common in his country when he's working at his restaurant. He says wearing them remind him of how he wants to treat people. So...what other ideas can we come up with to remember to live our intention?
We can learn a lot of techniques for "speaking peace," but none of them really matter unless our intention is to be loving, compassionate, to find ways to help ourselves and others meet our needs without hurting anyone and to make our lives more wonderful. That sounds so lofty and hopelessly high flown that it must be an intention for saints, right? No, I don't think so. I think its a great intention for a happy life. The thing is the world is so full of hate and conflict that it is hard not to be drawn into it at any given moment during the day. For me I find it necessary to set up reminders throughout the day to keep my intention in mind. Sometimes it's a peace of jewelry, sometimes I set the alarm on my phone, sometimes it's a prayer I carry with me and look at when I think of it through out the day. Even so I often forget, but I remember more than I used to. I know a Vietnamese man who wears the clothes common in his country when he's working at his restaurant. He says wearing them remind him of how he wants to treat people. So...what other ideas can we come up with to remember to live our intention?
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Mourning instead of Apologies
More from "Speak Peace in a World of Conflict:"
When we've done something wrong that hurt another person, we're supposed to apologize. The thing is apology is just another way of acknowledging the paradigm of "right and wrong," "good and bad." We're still stuck in a place where healing for ourselves and the other person is ignored. Instead we can communicate how sad we feel when we realize the other person's pain - how we mourn because we see what we have done. Are we more likely to change our behavior because we're wrong and see ourselves as bad or because we acknowledge the pain we've caused and mourn for our ignorant behavior. Rosenberg says the latter is what makes change.
When I really look at things I've done that have hurt other people, I see that I was trying to meet a need, but because I was ignorant and unskilled, I hurt someone in the process. There are a million or more other ways I could have met my need that would not have hurt someone, but I was never educated to look for those ways. Often I would get so fearful and frustrated that I just screamed at other people. I thought they would have to change or I would never get my needs met. Even now that I know to look for ways to meet my needs that don't require other people to change, it's always hard because I'm fighting all the years that I was educated to do otherwise.
It's still worth it to be compassionate with myself and the other folks in the world as we try to get our needs met. We've all been educated to believe that if one person wins, someone else has to lose. That was never true but we were taught to believe it. So now we live in a world of constant conflict. The only way for it to begin to change begins with me.
When we've done something wrong that hurt another person, we're supposed to apologize. The thing is apology is just another way of acknowledging the paradigm of "right and wrong," "good and bad." We're still stuck in a place where healing for ourselves and the other person is ignored. Instead we can communicate how sad we feel when we realize the other person's pain - how we mourn because we see what we have done. Are we more likely to change our behavior because we're wrong and see ourselves as bad or because we acknowledge the pain we've caused and mourn for our ignorant behavior. Rosenberg says the latter is what makes change.
When I really look at things I've done that have hurt other people, I see that I was trying to meet a need, but because I was ignorant and unskilled, I hurt someone in the process. There are a million or more other ways I could have met my need that would not have hurt someone, but I was never educated to look for those ways. Often I would get so fearful and frustrated that I just screamed at other people. I thought they would have to change or I would never get my needs met. Even now that I know to look for ways to meet my needs that don't require other people to change, it's always hard because I'm fighting all the years that I was educated to do otherwise.
It's still worth it to be compassionate with myself and the other folks in the world as we try to get our needs met. We've all been educated to believe that if one person wins, someone else has to lose. That was never true but we were taught to believe it. So now we live in a world of constant conflict. The only way for it to begin to change begins with me.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Here's the VERY hard part...
More on "Speak Peace in a World of Conflict"
So - if everything we do, we do to meet a need, doesn't that apply even to people who have hurt us? Some of us are still in pain because of harm done to us by our parents. Rosenberg promises us that they too were trying to meet a need. Maybe our reaction to that truth would be that they did what they did because they were bad people and had to hurt us because they needed to do something bad. Well, that's not what Rosenberg meant and we know that. Maybe our parents had parents who hurt them. Maybe our parents had no idea how to handle the difficulties they were facing in their lives, and took it out on us. There are a million possible explanations for why our parents and/or other people have hurt us that have nothing to do with their being bad people. So once we've let ourselves off the hook for the things we've done that we've judged as bad, we might be able to let the people who have hurt us off the hook too. Rosenberg says that the pain will go away when we've let ourselves and everybody else off the hook. This might be the hardest thing we've ever done, but wouldn't it be worth it to be out of pain?
So - if everything we do, we do to meet a need, doesn't that apply even to people who have hurt us? Some of us are still in pain because of harm done to us by our parents. Rosenberg promises us that they too were trying to meet a need. Maybe our reaction to that truth would be that they did what they did because they were bad people and had to hurt us because they needed to do something bad. Well, that's not what Rosenberg meant and we know that. Maybe our parents had parents who hurt them. Maybe our parents had no idea how to handle the difficulties they were facing in their lives, and took it out on us. There are a million possible explanations for why our parents and/or other people have hurt us that have nothing to do with their being bad people. So once we've let ourselves off the hook for the things we've done that we've judged as bad, we might be able to let the people who have hurt us off the hook too. Rosenberg says that the pain will go away when we've let ourselves and everybody else off the hook. This might be the hardest thing we've ever done, but wouldn't it be worth it to be out of pain?
Monday, November 22, 2010
Communicating with Ourselves
More on "Speak Peace in a World of Conflict"
Think of a mistake you made recently and remember what you told yourself at the moment you regretted it. Was it something like, "I'm a bad, stupid person. How could I have done that? What's wrong with me?" This is the way most of us talk to ourselves when we make mistakes, and we learned it from the people who educated us when we made mistakes - blame, attack, etc. Dr. Rosenberg thinks we all go through life more than a little depressed from talking to ourselves like this when we make mistakes. This is not a way to a more wonderful life!
Working from the concept that everything we (and everybody else) do is for the purpose of meeting a need, what need were we trying to meet when we made that mistake? It may take some thinking and exploration to identify the need, but once we do we'll probably notice that's it's just sad that we took such a wrong-headed way to meet that need. Dr. Rosenberg says feeling that sadness and "mourning" our mistake is the way to learning better ways to meet our needs. We can empathize with ourselves and not lose self-respect.
Let's say I said something that hurt someone's feelings. I feel terrible and berate myself for the mistake - Why did I say that? I should have known it would hurt his feelings? I'm just an insensitive person." Then I begin to try to find a way to make it the other person's fault - "Well, he shouldn't be so sensitive. After all, he asked my opinion. So what if he didn't like it."
Wait, wait! Stop! That's the old way of dealing with mistakes. Back up and ask myself - What need of mine was I trying to meet when I said that? I'm probably going to find out that it's complicated. Maybe I've actually got a resentment about something the person did to me in the past that came out. Instead of asking for something I wanted (a request, not a demand), I said something hurtful to get even. Hmmm. I wasn't even aware of this when I said it. I can feel my sadness that I hurt someone and that I don't honor my own needs enough to at least ask for what I want from other people. I can use this insight to begin taking better care of myself and as a result I will be more aware of other people's needs.
Think of a mistake you made recently and remember what you told yourself at the moment you regretted it. Was it something like, "I'm a bad, stupid person. How could I have done that? What's wrong with me?" This is the way most of us talk to ourselves when we make mistakes, and we learned it from the people who educated us when we made mistakes - blame, attack, etc. Dr. Rosenberg thinks we all go through life more than a little depressed from talking to ourselves like this when we make mistakes. This is not a way to a more wonderful life!
Working from the concept that everything we (and everybody else) do is for the purpose of meeting a need, what need were we trying to meet when we made that mistake? It may take some thinking and exploration to identify the need, but once we do we'll probably notice that's it's just sad that we took such a wrong-headed way to meet that need. Dr. Rosenberg says feeling that sadness and "mourning" our mistake is the way to learning better ways to meet our needs. We can empathize with ourselves and not lose self-respect.
Let's say I said something that hurt someone's feelings. I feel terrible and berate myself for the mistake - Why did I say that? I should have known it would hurt his feelings? I'm just an insensitive person." Then I begin to try to find a way to make it the other person's fault - "Well, he shouldn't be so sensitive. After all, he asked my opinion. So what if he didn't like it."
Wait, wait! Stop! That's the old way of dealing with mistakes. Back up and ask myself - What need of mine was I trying to meet when I said that? I'm probably going to find out that it's complicated. Maybe I've actually got a resentment about something the person did to me in the past that came out. Instead of asking for something I wanted (a request, not a demand), I said something hurtful to get even. Hmmm. I wasn't even aware of this when I said it. I can feel my sadness that I hurt someone and that I don't honor my own needs enough to at least ask for what I want from other people. I can use this insight to begin taking better care of myself and as a result I will be more aware of other people's needs.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Requests vs Demands
More on "Speaking Peace in a World of Conflict"
How many of us have had the experience of learning a new way to communicate - and with the best of intentions changed our approach but still expected to get our way? I know it's happened to me a whole lot of times. If I've asked you nicely, you're supposed to do what I want, right? I remember being told by my husband and my oldest daughter, that I always asked nicely, but they knew there would be hell to pay if they didn't comply. So... that's a demand, not a request. If you know I'm going to hurt you if you don't do what I want, it doesn't matter how sweetly I ask. Nothing about that suggests non-violence, does it?
To get past this, I remember that the point of my communication is to make life more wonderful for BOTH of us, not to get my way. The mom who wants her daughter to clean her room envisions a life where she, herself, will have to clean the room if she makes a request rather than a demand. That's not necessarily so. It misses the point though. The point is to make life more wonderful for both of them and to give both of them a chance to be happy through returning to their real natures - the desire to be compassionate and to contribute to other's well being. By making a request, rather than a demand, the mom is giving her daughter that opportunity. If they have a history of a circle of demands, resistance, conflict, etc., it's going to take more than a little while for her daughter to quit believing that mom is making a demand. Mom must really mean it when she says she is just as interested in her daughter's needs as her own and she's going to have to prove it.
But wait! Isn't a parent supposed to teach orderliness, responsibility, obedience to authority, etc.? Well, there are some questions about that - like: Is teaching from the position of power where punishment is the power the best way to teach? Is obedience to authority always a good thing? Could some of these things be more effectively taught by example? Would teaching through appealing to the joy of giving be more effective?
How many of us have had the experience of learning a new way to communicate - and with the best of intentions changed our approach but still expected to get our way? I know it's happened to me a whole lot of times. If I've asked you nicely, you're supposed to do what I want, right? I remember being told by my husband and my oldest daughter, that I always asked nicely, but they knew there would be hell to pay if they didn't comply. So... that's a demand, not a request. If you know I'm going to hurt you if you don't do what I want, it doesn't matter how sweetly I ask. Nothing about that suggests non-violence, does it?
To get past this, I remember that the point of my communication is to make life more wonderful for BOTH of us, not to get my way. The mom who wants her daughter to clean her room envisions a life where she, herself, will have to clean the room if she makes a request rather than a demand. That's not necessarily so. It misses the point though. The point is to make life more wonderful for both of them and to give both of them a chance to be happy through returning to their real natures - the desire to be compassionate and to contribute to other's well being. By making a request, rather than a demand, the mom is giving her daughter that opportunity. If they have a history of a circle of demands, resistance, conflict, etc., it's going to take more than a little while for her daughter to quit believing that mom is making a demand. Mom must really mean it when she says she is just as interested in her daughter's needs as her own and she's going to have to prove it.
But wait! Isn't a parent supposed to teach orderliness, responsibility, obedience to authority, etc.? Well, there are some questions about that - like: Is teaching from the position of power where punishment is the power the best way to teach? Is obedience to authority always a good thing? Could some of these things be more effectively taught by example? Would teaching through appealing to the joy of giving be more effective?
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