Cheryl Richardson who has written several books that focus on self care, always adds the modifier "extreme." She says that her reason for that word is that just regular self care isn't nearly enough - especially not for women. We tend to think that self-care is taking our vitamins and exercising - things we will get to as soon as we get everything else done. But there's a lot more to self-care than that.
Luckily I started watching Oprah in the 1990s and Cheryl was a regular guest. As a result I started buying and reading her books. I may have all of them. I was amazed at the kind of self-care she was recommending - things like a weekly massage, leaving the office during lunch and going for a walk outside. Ideas like that were completely foreign to me at the time.
Cheryl convinced me that if I wanted to have a good life I had to put extreme self-care at the top of my to-do list, not at the bottom. So I began to try to do it. What a struggle that was - a war with myself and my mind.
I felt guilty and anxious when I took time to care for myself. Then I heard her speak at a university conference, and she said that you would know you were on the right track when you felt guilty. It was just a sign that you were going against your programming which was exactly what you were going to have to do.
Eventually, Cheryl said, you would get used to caring for yourself and the guilt and anxiety would go away. She was right. There are other benefits to self-care besides a higher quality life - other people enjoy the new you - lighter, happier, and more fun.
Empowerment enhances the ability of individuals or organizations to make choices and transform those choices into positive outcomes. Empowered people have recognized their own value and strength and their capacity to handle life's problems. In turn they are better able to influence the course of their lives. With information and support, most people can find within themselves the power to direct their lives and reach their dreams.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Why I Love Simplicity
My love for simplicity came to me both naturally and slowly. A very, very long time ago I came across information about the way Japanese people arranged their homes. I had a book of pictures that my aunt and uncle brought back from Japan where they were stationed after World War II.
The simplicity of those homes seemed perfect to me; the way homes ought to be. So maybe the desire for simplicity was just innate in me. As time went on I was overtaken with the messiness of raising children. There's not much desire for simplicity in their hearts and minds and I lacked the energy to even try to create it. In addition, there's a good chance I have attention deficit disorder and am a basically messy person. So, for most of my adult life, my environment was cluttered to the max.
The effect of the clutter was that I felt stressed by it. It caught my eyes and attention constantly and although I always felt urged to do something about it, I was always on my way to do something more important.
Then more time went by and I had a 60 hour a week job and a sick husband who was not motivated to put things away. So the clutter remained and was only dealt with if I was having company. What usually happened was that I worked like a dog to get rid of the clutter on the day that company was coming and then was so tired while they were there that I fell asleep in my chair while they were visiting.
In my search for an easier life I eventually came across the concept of doing tasks in tiny short bursts, a little bit at a time. By setting a timer for anywhere between five and fifteen minutes, I was able to deal with clutter over a period of time. So in this latter period of my life, my environment is pretty simple.
It really is worth the small amount of trouble it is to spend five to fifteen minutes a day keeping things fairly simple. The result is that the inside of my head is quiet when I move through a room. There's nothing in my way. There's nothing to do in that room. I enjoy the spaciousness and clear surfaces. The fewer things that are in a room, the more I can enjoy the things that are in the room.
It makes a much easier life for me with time and energy for the things that are important. For me there is much beauty in clear, simple spaces.
The simplicity of those homes seemed perfect to me; the way homes ought to be. So maybe the desire for simplicity was just innate in me. As time went on I was overtaken with the messiness of raising children. There's not much desire for simplicity in their hearts and minds and I lacked the energy to even try to create it. In addition, there's a good chance I have attention deficit disorder and am a basically messy person. So, for most of my adult life, my environment was cluttered to the max.
The effect of the clutter was that I felt stressed by it. It caught my eyes and attention constantly and although I always felt urged to do something about it, I was always on my way to do something more important.
Then more time went by and I had a 60 hour a week job and a sick husband who was not motivated to put things away. So the clutter remained and was only dealt with if I was having company. What usually happened was that I worked like a dog to get rid of the clutter on the day that company was coming and then was so tired while they were there that I fell asleep in my chair while they were visiting.
In my search for an easier life I eventually came across the concept of doing tasks in tiny short bursts, a little bit at a time. By setting a timer for anywhere between five and fifteen minutes, I was able to deal with clutter over a period of time. So in this latter period of my life, my environment is pretty simple.
It really is worth the small amount of trouble it is to spend five to fifteen minutes a day keeping things fairly simple. The result is that the inside of my head is quiet when I move through a room. There's nothing in my way. There's nothing to do in that room. I enjoy the spaciousness and clear surfaces. The fewer things that are in a room, the more I can enjoy the things that are in the room.
It makes a much easier life for me with time and energy for the things that are important. For me there is much beauty in clear, simple spaces.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
She Got a Lot Done
"She got a lot done."
If we were being watched every day of our lives by other people, I think those watching us might think we wanted the above put on our tombstones.
I lived that way for a large part of my life. I woke up every day with a to-do list running through my head, vibrating with stress and adrenaline. I ran as hard as I could, trying desperately to get everything done because I had the horrible terror that the consequences of not getting everything done would be a disaster.
There were some disasters but not because I hadn't gotten everything done. They occurred because I was running in circles and not watching out.
Of course, I did not get everything done. The list was way too long in the first place and in the second place I was disorganized and confused. I had no priorities; I just tried to do everything at once. Every moment of every day I felt like a failure because I had not done even half of the stuff on my list.
I kept up this kind of life until middle age when I absolutely could not do it anymore. Then I had to research, study and practice to relearn how to do life differently.
It's my belief that many, many of us are living this kind of life - a life commonly called "a rat race." As a result we are thinking that the "life of our dreams" would be one in which we finally finished our to do list every day. But this is not going to happen.
It probably wouldn't have been possible to finish a to do list even in the distant past in a hunter/gatherer society although we might have been able to come close if we had the self-discipline to limit the ideas we had for things to do. It was a much simpler life and the number of options for things to do was much simpler. But we humans have such big brains and so much creativity, it still might have been possible to overwhelm ourselves with too much to do.
Currently, the number of things to do every day would probably take the entire population of the earth a whole year to finish. So there's no use at all of trying to finish a to do list. So since it's impossible, what can we do instead?
For starters: 1) Slow down 2) Breathe 3) Give prayerful thought to what three things you could do that would really make a difference in your life - they could be relatively small things like getting some vegetable to eat. 4) Then do those three things before you do anything else.
If we were being watched every day of our lives by other people, I think those watching us might think we wanted the above put on our tombstones.
I lived that way for a large part of my life. I woke up every day with a to-do list running through my head, vibrating with stress and adrenaline. I ran as hard as I could, trying desperately to get everything done because I had the horrible terror that the consequences of not getting everything done would be a disaster.
There were some disasters but not because I hadn't gotten everything done. They occurred because I was running in circles and not watching out.
Of course, I did not get everything done. The list was way too long in the first place and in the second place I was disorganized and confused. I had no priorities; I just tried to do everything at once. Every moment of every day I felt like a failure because I had not done even half of the stuff on my list.
I kept up this kind of life until middle age when I absolutely could not do it anymore. Then I had to research, study and practice to relearn how to do life differently.
It's my belief that many, many of us are living this kind of life - a life commonly called "a rat race." As a result we are thinking that the "life of our dreams" would be one in which we finally finished our to do list every day. But this is not going to happen.
It probably wouldn't have been possible to finish a to do list even in the distant past in a hunter/gatherer society although we might have been able to come close if we had the self-discipline to limit the ideas we had for things to do. It was a much simpler life and the number of options for things to do was much simpler. But we humans have such big brains and so much creativity, it still might have been possible to overwhelm ourselves with too much to do.
Currently, the number of things to do every day would probably take the entire population of the earth a whole year to finish. So there's no use at all of trying to finish a to do list. So since it's impossible, what can we do instead?
For starters: 1) Slow down 2) Breathe 3) Give prayerful thought to what three things you could do that would really make a difference in your life - they could be relatively small things like getting some vegetable to eat. 4) Then do those three things before you do anything else.
Friday, January 25, 2013
The Secret to Making Positive Changes for Your Life
The biggest secret, in my experience, to making positive changes is to NEVER, NEVER, EVER, EVER give up. Change is hard - very, very hard. I've talked to probably hundreds of people who were trying to make changes and struggling. Plus I may be the queen of taking a very long time to finally get a positive change integrated into my life. A lot of people just give up and never try again. "It's too hard," they say to themselves. "I'm a failure," they say to themselves. I did that for a long time.
I had a friend that was trying to make a change in her behavior. I asked her how she was doing and she replied, "Oh, I tried it for a day. It was too hard so I stopped." Oh sweet spirits of transformation! She was a perfect reflection of me. I thought to myself although I didn't say it to her, "She's totally uncommitted. She wants change to be easy." Then I realized I was just the same way.
Finally I got so disgusted I started researching solutions. I've probably read dozens of books on the topics of self-discipline, organization, time management, spiritual help for sloth, how to get past procrastination, and on and on. Each of them was a help for a day or two or three or maybe even four. Then I would totally forget about the whole thing and go back to my usual way of living which was none too good for me. Weeks or months later I might remember and try again. This stuff went on for years. It was very discouraging.
Finally I saw that the main problem was that I was giving up over and over again, and that my bad memory about what I was trying to change was just my way of quitting. So I started doing everything I could to remind myself of what I was doing. Little bit by little bit, I began to change.
For example, just simple things like taking my medicine and nutritional supplements every day were huge problems. I was dependent for my well being on remembering to take them, but I forgot several days a week. I made new resolves but forgot again. I got uncomfortable and read some more books, wrote in my journal about it. Eventually as I kept trying, I succeeded.
It's probably been two or three years that I've been consistent about taking meds and supplements. So I know for a fact that when I keep trying to find ways that work for me to change a habit, eventually I find something that works. Therefore, I deeply believe that everybody can do it if they NEVER, NEVER, EVER, EVER give up.
I had a friend that was trying to make a change in her behavior. I asked her how she was doing and she replied, "Oh, I tried it for a day. It was too hard so I stopped." Oh sweet spirits of transformation! She was a perfect reflection of me. I thought to myself although I didn't say it to her, "She's totally uncommitted. She wants change to be easy." Then I realized I was just the same way.
Finally I got so disgusted I started researching solutions. I've probably read dozens of books on the topics of self-discipline, organization, time management, spiritual help for sloth, how to get past procrastination, and on and on. Each of them was a help for a day or two or three or maybe even four. Then I would totally forget about the whole thing and go back to my usual way of living which was none too good for me. Weeks or months later I might remember and try again. This stuff went on for years. It was very discouraging.
Finally I saw that the main problem was that I was giving up over and over again, and that my bad memory about what I was trying to change was just my way of quitting. So I started doing everything I could to remind myself of what I was doing. Little bit by little bit, I began to change.
For example, just simple things like taking my medicine and nutritional supplements every day were huge problems. I was dependent for my well being on remembering to take them, but I forgot several days a week. I made new resolves but forgot again. I got uncomfortable and read some more books, wrote in my journal about it. Eventually as I kept trying, I succeeded.
It's probably been two or three years that I've been consistent about taking meds and supplements. So I know for a fact that when I keep trying to find ways that work for me to change a habit, eventually I find something that works. Therefore, I deeply believe that everybody can do it if they NEVER, NEVER, EVER, EVER give up.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Living from the Heart
One of the ways I honor my decision to live from the heart is to give myself just a couple of minutes each morning with my coffee to ask my heart what would honor loving kindness today. It's amazing how quickly I move from the things that really don't matter on my to do list to the things that do. Usually I immediately know that staying in touch with people is at the top of the list, caring for the living things in my household is next, and then caring for my own well being which usually is exercise and good food, prayer and meditation, and rest.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Please, I Beg You! Stop Making Those New Year's Resolutions!!!
It's a really, really bad idea to set yourself up to join all those people who are at the gym in January and gone in February! Or whatever the equivalent goal is that you're thinking about setting for yourself. If you're anything like me, the goals you think you should set for yourself are based on someone else's ideas about what would be good for you - maybe even ideas you got when you were a child or ideas you got from the media. Ideas about how you should look, what you should do with your time and money, what kind of car you should drive, what your home should be like, and anything else you can think of that would (you think) make you more socially acceptable. None of those goals actually originate from you - from the real you - from your heart and soul. So maybe they aren't even what would benefit you.
Of course, there are some almost universal goals that probably would benefit you - things like eating healthier in 2013 or exercising more, or getting more sleep. The thing is, if they are just "shoulds" in your mind, the deepest part of you isn't going to help you achieve them. What has worked for me is a whole paradigm shift from "shoulds" to "living from the heart."
Since "living from the heart" sounds so lofty and inaccessible, I will just list a few things I've done and still do at the beginning of each year to give myself some direction:
1. Make a collage using poster board and pictures from magazines. I take 30 minutes (set a timer) and rip out pictures that just seem to speak to me. I deliberately pay no attention to what I'm thinking. When the time is up, I just make a collage from the pictures I've accumulated. I still don't try to think about why I liked the pictures. When the collage is done, THEN I look at them and think about what those particular pictures say to me about how my deepest self wants to live life in the next year.
2. Spend some quiet time thinking about how I can best take care of myself this next year. What kinds of things do I enjoy that I've not gotten around to lately. Make a list of those.
3. Spend a little more quiet time thinking about the people I love and what I could do that would make them feel even more loved this year.
4. Last but not least, I spend a little more quiet time to think about what I would do with this year if it were the last one I had on the earth. Usually some thoughts about my life purpose are part of this meditation. I believe all of us know unconsciously what our life purpose is and even just a little time asking ourselves what we can do this coming year to advance that purpose - whatever we believe that is - will, when added to the about three activities - give us direction that we will really WANT to take - that will take very little or no willpower to acheive.
Of course, there are some almost universal goals that probably would benefit you - things like eating healthier in 2013 or exercising more, or getting more sleep. The thing is, if they are just "shoulds" in your mind, the deepest part of you isn't going to help you achieve them. What has worked for me is a whole paradigm shift from "shoulds" to "living from the heart."
Since "living from the heart" sounds so lofty and inaccessible, I will just list a few things I've done and still do at the beginning of each year to give myself some direction:
1. Make a collage using poster board and pictures from magazines. I take 30 minutes (set a timer) and rip out pictures that just seem to speak to me. I deliberately pay no attention to what I'm thinking. When the time is up, I just make a collage from the pictures I've accumulated. I still don't try to think about why I liked the pictures. When the collage is done, THEN I look at them and think about what those particular pictures say to me about how my deepest self wants to live life in the next year.
2. Spend some quiet time thinking about how I can best take care of myself this next year. What kinds of things do I enjoy that I've not gotten around to lately. Make a list of those.
3. Spend a little more quiet time thinking about the people I love and what I could do that would make them feel even more loved this year.
4. Last but not least, I spend a little more quiet time to think about what I would do with this year if it were the last one I had on the earth. Usually some thoughts about my life purpose are part of this meditation. I believe all of us know unconsciously what our life purpose is and even just a little time asking ourselves what we can do this coming year to advance that purpose - whatever we believe that is - will, when added to the about three activities - give us direction that we will really WANT to take - that will take very little or no willpower to acheive.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Simplicity for Christmas
I guess there are some people who sail through the holidays, peacefully, smoothly with joy in their hearts. They probably buy the perfect gifts for their loved ones. They love Christmas music no matter how often they hear it. The incessant advertising doesn't bother them at all. They have a Christmas card list with hundreds of names and the cards are all ready to mail on December 1st.
These folks probably also have kids and full time jobs but they are just very well organized and need very little sleep. Also they have very high energy. The bills that come in in January don't show any increase because they've saved all year for Christmas and did not run up their credit cards.
These people have to exist - so many of us are trying to be like them.
So far, though, I've not met anybody that fits the above description.
As for me, my main problem with the holidays - especially Christmas - is the feeling that I'm failing to do it right; that the presents I buy will not be what they want, etc. Sometimes Christmas cards went out after Christmas.
I felt like everyone was disappointed - especially when I was a young mother and wanted to please my kids so badly but had so little money that we strung popcorn, cranberries, and paper chains to decorate the Christmas tree. For a long time I let the sadness I felt at Christmas follow me year after year.
I was raised by schoolteachers which had the effect of teaching me that somewhere, someplace were solutions for my problems. Since these were the days a way long time before Google, I had to go to the library and ask people. I began to come up with some solutions from reading books and getting ideas for other people. I started earlier in the year and put back money. I talked to my kids about limited resources to let them know they weren't loved less if they didn't get everything they wanted. I made jokes about being the "grinch."
Now I've completed a lot of research and have developed a philosophy for myself - not for anybody else - about Christmas which I will share a little of here. IF you want simplicity at Christmas like I do, you might try some of these things:
* Make a list of everything you do for Christmas. Cross out the ones that aren't fun for you and only do the fun things. If you are sharing the holiday with someone else, have them do the same thing. You can each do fun things from the other's list.
* Christmas cards. Would it be just as much fun to send Valentines instead?
* To reduce waste and unwanted gifts, try consumables (food, movie tickets, gift cards from their favorite stores and restaurants.)
* Sacks and decorated boxes can simplify wrapping and waste. The "wrapping" can be used again.
* Focus on the things you love about Christmas. For example, I love Christmas music - especially instrumental music. I have a small collection of favorite CDs and I listen to them in the car. I attend a church production (free) of the Messiah every year.
Check out simple Christmases on line and get more ideas. Have fun instead of stress this year.
These folks probably also have kids and full time jobs but they are just very well organized and need very little sleep. Also they have very high energy. The bills that come in in January don't show any increase because they've saved all year for Christmas and did not run up their credit cards.
These people have to exist - so many of us are trying to be like them.
So far, though, I've not met anybody that fits the above description.
As for me, my main problem with the holidays - especially Christmas - is the feeling that I'm failing to do it right; that the presents I buy will not be what they want, etc. Sometimes Christmas cards went out after Christmas.
I felt like everyone was disappointed - especially when I was a young mother and wanted to please my kids so badly but had so little money that we strung popcorn, cranberries, and paper chains to decorate the Christmas tree. For a long time I let the sadness I felt at Christmas follow me year after year.
I was raised by schoolteachers which had the effect of teaching me that somewhere, someplace were solutions for my problems. Since these were the days a way long time before Google, I had to go to the library and ask people. I began to come up with some solutions from reading books and getting ideas for other people. I started earlier in the year and put back money. I talked to my kids about limited resources to let them know they weren't loved less if they didn't get everything they wanted. I made jokes about being the "grinch."
Now I've completed a lot of research and have developed a philosophy for myself - not for anybody else - about Christmas which I will share a little of here. IF you want simplicity at Christmas like I do, you might try some of these things:
* Make a list of everything you do for Christmas. Cross out the ones that aren't fun for you and only do the fun things. If you are sharing the holiday with someone else, have them do the same thing. You can each do fun things from the other's list.
* Christmas cards. Would it be just as much fun to send Valentines instead?
* To reduce waste and unwanted gifts, try consumables (food, movie tickets, gift cards from their favorite stores and restaurants.)
* Sacks and decorated boxes can simplify wrapping and waste. The "wrapping" can be used again.
* Focus on the things you love about Christmas. For example, I love Christmas music - especially instrumental music. I have a small collection of favorite CDs and I listen to them in the car. I attend a church production (free) of the Messiah every year.
Check out simple Christmases on line and get more ideas. Have fun instead of stress this year.
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