"We must have the stubborness to accept our gladness in the ruthless furnace of this world." - Jack Gilbert.
I love Martha Beck. I love her because she is wise without taking herself seriously. I love her because she has a child with a disability and is happy about it. Her latest column in September's Oprah is on being stubbornly optimistic. According to her, we are evolutionarily hard wired to be negative - it's a survival mechanism. Is it more important to survival to smell the flowers or notice the rattlesnake? The trouble is, we're not living in a jungle now so most of our constant negativity - far from making us safer - just makes us unhappy and stressed - which ends up shortening our lives.
Our negativity - which makes us constantly afraid - makes the people around us fearful. Then everybody gets more than a little bit aggressive. "Billions of people are doing this right now, fomenting little tornadoes of pain that swell with every reciprocal negative interaction," Martha says.
To counteract this, we will have to learn to be "stubbornly glad."
But what about all the problems we have and that the world has? How will those get solved if all we do is focus on the bright spots in life? According to Martha, there's nothing to worry about. We will be stronger, more confident, more creative and more energetic in solving problems if we're focusing on delight. Research shows, she says, that painful, negative emotions only last about 90 seconds if we don't prolong them by negative thinking. The next time we have a painful emotion, she recommends we throw a fit for 90 seconds, then do something to bring relief - ice cream, a nap, a visit with a friend, a bubble bath. Then the rest of the time look for delight and focus on that!
It appears that the more we defy our inbuilt negativity, the happier AND the more effective our lives will be. Plus our delight is just as catching to others as our fear!
Empowerment enhances the ability of individuals or organizations to make choices and transform those choices into positive outcomes. Empowered people have recognized their own value and strength and their capacity to handle life's problems. In turn they are better able to influence the course of their lives. With information and support, most people can find within themselves the power to direct their lives and reach their dreams.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Changes
Would that life were like the shadow cast by a wall or a tree, but it is like the shadow cast by a bird in flight. The Talmud.
Change is a constant even in the life of our dreams, so learning to change easily can make the life of our dreams flow. Change is easier if I don't have a bunch of rules about how things are supposed to be and a lot of extra "stuff" hanging out in my house and on my to-do list. Clearing clutter with my rules, "todos," and closets makes room for the effort needed for change.
I think us humans are hardwired to focus on short rather than long term gain which makes change difficult even when it's a positive change. So to make change easier, I remind myself of the results I want. Recently I changed how and what I eat in order to be healthier. It has required time and energy to think through what and how I wanted to make the change as well as time and energy to actually make the change. Constantly reminding myself of the benefits I would receive in the long run made the expenditure of time and energy easier.
Change is a constant even in the life of our dreams, so learning to change easily can make the life of our dreams flow. Change is easier if I don't have a bunch of rules about how things are supposed to be and a lot of extra "stuff" hanging out in my house and on my to-do list. Clearing clutter with my rules, "todos," and closets makes room for the effort needed for change.
I think us humans are hardwired to focus on short rather than long term gain which makes change difficult even when it's a positive change. So to make change easier, I remind myself of the results I want. Recently I changed how and what I eat in order to be healthier. It has required time and energy to think through what and how I wanted to make the change as well as time and energy to actually make the change. Constantly reminding myself of the benefits I would receive in the long run made the expenditure of time and energy easier.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Simplicity
Right up there at almost the top of my list for creating the life of my dreams is the concept of simplicity. I always thought I had a complicated mind, which caused me to be a complicated person, which in turn made my life complicated. At last, after years of the stress of a complicated life, I finally saw that all that complication was just my ego trying to convince me I was more important than other people. I usually ran myself ragged trying to keep up with all the complications I had created for myself.
"When it is over, what will my life have been about?" Harold Kushner
When I stopped letting my ego drive me, what I was left with was the answer to the question above. Talk about a radical change in the way I ordered my time and priorities! Everything got so much simpler. I was able to eliminate all the things on my "to-do" list that had to do with ambition and stick with the ones that had meaning.
What kind of car I drove and how fancy my house was ceased to matter. For some folks those things really matter, and if they do, they should spend time and energy on creating cars and houses that make the life of their dreams. For me the people and living things in my life became so much more important. For example, now the first thing I do in the morning is water plants, feed my cat and brush him. Living things come first. Then I feed myself good, healthy food that I love because I am a living thing too!
Making time for contemplation of what we want our lives to be about and using our thoughts to order our lives will pay off!
"When it is over, what will my life have been about?" Harold Kushner
When I stopped letting my ego drive me, what I was left with was the answer to the question above. Talk about a radical change in the way I ordered my time and priorities! Everything got so much simpler. I was able to eliminate all the things on my "to-do" list that had to do with ambition and stick with the ones that had meaning.
What kind of car I drove and how fancy my house was ceased to matter. For some folks those things really matter, and if they do, they should spend time and energy on creating cars and houses that make the life of their dreams. For me the people and living things in my life became so much more important. For example, now the first thing I do in the morning is water plants, feed my cat and brush him. Living things come first. Then I feed myself good, healthy food that I love because I am a living thing too!
Making time for contemplation of what we want our lives to be about and using our thoughts to order our lives will pay off!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A Day Off
According to the Bible, God took a day off. Many religions recommend the day off idea, but how many of us actually do it? I've noticed that when many people "take a day off" they rush around doing a bunch of things they consider fun and arrive at the end of the day, completely worn out! My idea of a day off is to sleep as long as I do in the morning and take a nap if I get sleepy in the afternoon. I eat food I love, making sure it's what my body wants and needs. It turns out that it's not true that the only food I love is food that's not good for me. There are lots and lots of ways to fix vegetables and fruit that I truly love!
I listen to music I love and really listen to it. I lie down on the floor so I can feel the vibrations of the music, close my eyes and don't do another thing but listen. I listen until I'm full of music and am ready to do something else. Usually that entails several hours of reading since I love to read but usually read in spurts. Several hours of reading is an incredible treat. On my day off I almost always spend a lot of time outside. If the weather is hot, I will probably make this time early in the morning (instead of sleeping in, I have a longer nap). If the weather is very cold, I may just take some time to look out a window for awhile. Even if it's too cold to sit outside, I can walk around for a little while and just take in my surroundings.
My day off is a good time to take a bubble bath for as long as I want to. Sometimes I get a pedicure or a massage. For much of my life I was a driven person - anxiety about not getting everything done wore me out even if I was lying down. After several years of that, I was ready to have days off when all I did was nurture myself! Someone elses' day off will surely look different than mine, but I believe days off are completely necessary for the life of our dreams.
I listen to music I love and really listen to it. I lie down on the floor so I can feel the vibrations of the music, close my eyes and don't do another thing but listen. I listen until I'm full of music and am ready to do something else. Usually that entails several hours of reading since I love to read but usually read in spurts. Several hours of reading is an incredible treat. On my day off I almost always spend a lot of time outside. If the weather is hot, I will probably make this time early in the morning (instead of sleeping in, I have a longer nap). If the weather is very cold, I may just take some time to look out a window for awhile. Even if it's too cold to sit outside, I can walk around for a little while and just take in my surroundings.
My day off is a good time to take a bubble bath for as long as I want to. Sometimes I get a pedicure or a massage. For much of my life I was a driven person - anxiety about not getting everything done wore me out even if I was lying down. After several years of that, I was ready to have days off when all I did was nurture myself! Someone elses' day off will surely look different than mine, but I believe days off are completely necessary for the life of our dreams.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Rituals for Home
For me rituals are the way I can make the ordinary things I do everyday more enjoyable. Since I eat, sleep and take baths everyday, why not make those habits a little more enjoyable? I've been doing some of these things for over twenty years now and still enjoy them.
There are almost always fresh flowers on my table. When I quit smoking almost 27 years ago, I promised myself that I would always have fresh flowers. The money I was saving on cigarettes was enormous and a $5.00 bunch of flowers at the grocery store was surely not going to break the bank.
Some time in there I fell in love with soft, flowing, new age music and began a collection. I also found radio stations that played it, so you will almost always find that type of music playing in the background at my house.
Someone gave me a scented candle many years ago, and I fell in love with those too. I don't like all of them, for sure. I mostly like herbal and flower scents, and so there's almost always one of those candles burning when I'm at home.
I have two particular types of bubble bath that I like and every bath I take is a bubble bath. From time to time I try others but always come back to my favorites. I've used what I call my extra cigarette money to buy sheets I like. In the summer they're satin and in the winter they're flannel.
My bedroom is as much a reflection of what I love as anything in my house. For example, there are a myriad of teddy bears on the bookshelves covered with books I love. The teddy bears were all given to me by friends when I was in the hospital after a terrible wreck. I look at them before I go to sleep and am reminded that love always surroundeds me.
There are almost always fresh flowers on my table. When I quit smoking almost 27 years ago, I promised myself that I would always have fresh flowers. The money I was saving on cigarettes was enormous and a $5.00 bunch of flowers at the grocery store was surely not going to break the bank.
Some time in there I fell in love with soft, flowing, new age music and began a collection. I also found radio stations that played it, so you will almost always find that type of music playing in the background at my house.
Someone gave me a scented candle many years ago, and I fell in love with those too. I don't like all of them, for sure. I mostly like herbal and flower scents, and so there's almost always one of those candles burning when I'm at home.
I have two particular types of bubble bath that I like and every bath I take is a bubble bath. From time to time I try others but always come back to my favorites. I've used what I call my extra cigarette money to buy sheets I like. In the summer they're satin and in the winter they're flannel.
My bedroom is as much a reflection of what I love as anything in my house. For example, there are a myriad of teddy bears on the bookshelves covered with books I love. The teddy bears were all given to me by friends when I was in the hospital after a terrible wreck. I look at them before I go to sleep and am reminded that love always surroundeds me.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Making Home a Beautiful Place
I used to simply hate and avoid a lot of the tasks I had to do at home, so I often just wanted to be somewhere else besides home. The first thing I did to solve the problem, of course, was get some help, but I was still left with the day to day chores. During that period of my life several books were available that helped a lot. One was Alexandra Stoddard's "Living a Beautiful Life" and the "Simple Abundance" book I've already mentioned. Another book that came in handy was "The Woman's Comfort Book" by Jennifer Louden. All three of these books recommended that I turn tasks I hated into rituals of beauty.
I truly thought the authors had gone nuts at first. Drudgery is drudgery. Finding a way to make laundry, dishes, vacuuming and bill paying beautiful was way too lofty to suit me. But the concept that my home is a blank slate that I can use to paint a beautiful picture kind of spoke to my heart. And all three of the authors pointed out that home is where I spend more than half my time so why wouldn't it be worth putting some creativity and care into making it and the care of it beautiful?
Some ideas I tried: Choose music to accompany a task. If I was cleaning house, I picked rock and roll - the faster the beat the better. I went just as fast as I could and used the cleaning as a workout. So I not only got to enjoy the music but scratch exercise off my list as well. Classical music seems to go with paying bills. I use a pretty pen, and I have a filing system that helps me keep bills straight and in order for paying. Planning meals with appearance as well as taste is another creative joy. It's worth a few extra pennies to buy garnishes at the grocery store. Coordinating the bright yellows, oranges, greens and reds of fruits and vegetables at each meal is fun too.
I truly thought the authors had gone nuts at first. Drudgery is drudgery. Finding a way to make laundry, dishes, vacuuming and bill paying beautiful was way too lofty to suit me. But the concept that my home is a blank slate that I can use to paint a beautiful picture kind of spoke to my heart. And all three of the authors pointed out that home is where I spend more than half my time so why wouldn't it be worth putting some creativity and care into making it and the care of it beautiful?
Some ideas I tried: Choose music to accompany a task. If I was cleaning house, I picked rock and roll - the faster the beat the better. I went just as fast as I could and used the cleaning as a workout. So I not only got to enjoy the music but scratch exercise off my list as well. Classical music seems to go with paying bills. I use a pretty pen, and I have a filing system that helps me keep bills straight and in order for paying. Planning meals with appearance as well as taste is another creative joy. It's worth a few extra pennies to buy garnishes at the grocery store. Coordinating the bright yellows, oranges, greens and reds of fruits and vegetables at each meal is fun too.
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