More on "Speak Peace in a World of Conflict:"
What kind of conflict could we assume is the most common? I think it could be boiled down to: Someone-is-doing-something-I-don't-like. Of course, we could also say that the person isn't doing what we want or that the person is doing something that hurts us, or doing something wrong,etc. BUT the first sentence could easily sum up most personal conflicts. What many of us do at that point is explain to the person how wrong he or she is and demand that they stop doing what they're doing and do what we want instead. Guess what?! In case, you haven't noticed, that almost never works.
If it does work, it's only temporary and it's usually because we have the power to hurt the person in some way so he or she is afraid not to do what we want (at least as long as we're watching). This situation usually progresses to the person eventually reverting to his/her former behavior and then finding some way to retaliate. Good grief! Now we've got a war going on. Since I believe every single one of us has experienced being on one side or the other of conflict with another human, I shouldn't have to explain in detail what the future holds - more conflict, followed by more conflict, sometimes interspersed with truces. What a way to live! There's got to be a better way.
Well, there is another way but it means a lot of work for us - NOT for other people. First of all our job will be to get acquainted with our emotions, our hearts, our true desires. This will not be easy because we have been educated to always look outside ourselves when we're uncomfortable to see who or what is the problem. Our new way will be to look inside and see what our emotions are and what our needs are that are not being met. Sound easy? Well, forget that. It's hard. We have years of education to overcome. Then we must learn to communicate our feelings and needs to other people - WITHOUT even implying a little bit - any judgment of them.
Parents have lots of opportunities to practice this. Example: 1) Identify the behavior that's bothering you: My daughter won't clean her room. 2) How do you feel when this happens? Answering this can be a problem for a lot of us. "I feel she is lazy." No. That's a judgment not a feeling. "I feel she is wrong." There you go again. This type of interaction makes the daughter feel attacked and what usually happens is that the daughter will counter attack and defend.
Surely we must know this is going to happen. But we keep doing it anyway. Why do we keep doing what doesn't work and makes us unhappy? Because we have been educated to see everything in terms of right and wrong and to believe that our job is to make them hate themselves for what they've done, which, theoretically will make them feel so bad they will change their ways. We are waiting for them to say, "You're right. I am soooo sorry. I will change." Oh this is so sad. Have we ever, ever, ever heard anybody say that after we've "straightened them out?"
So what about the parent whose daughter doesn't clean up her room? What might she be feeling? For sure it would not be a good idea for her to say, "When you don't clean up your room, it hurts me." That's just another way to manipulate - trying to induce guilt as a motivator. That doesn't work either. So maybe what she's feeling is frustration or sadness or anger. In any case, one word describing an emotion rather than a demand or a judgment is what's needed.
Now comes another hard part - what need does Mom have that's not being met? Let's be honest. Maybe Mom is a control freak that just wants her kids to do what she says with no argument. Let's also hope that she knows this desire isn't likely to be met and in actuality isn't the kind of relationship she truly wants with her children. Maybe her true need is for order and beauty in her home and for help and cooperation in meeting that need. Even a teenage daughter might be able to see that as a legitimate need her mother has that would give her a more wonderful life. Then, it will be necessary to be very clear about the request. "Clean your room," is clear to Mom, but maybe not to the daughter. A better request would be: "Please take your trash out, your laundry to the laundry room, change your sheets, make your bed, put away all clutter, vacuum and dust."
So this scenario should have a happy ending, right? No, not necessarily. It's a good start. Mom has identified the behavior she doesn't like and the emotion she is feeling. She has identified the need she has that's not being met. She has made a request that doesn't contain any judgment. Isn't that enough? No, there's more.
Empowerment enhances the ability of individuals or organizations to make choices and transform those choices into positive outcomes. Empowered people have recognized their own value and strength and their capacity to handle life's problems. In turn they are better able to influence the course of their lives. With information and support, most people can find within themselves the power to direct their lives and reach their dreams.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Using New Ideas and Behaviors in Relationships
Speak Peace in a World of Conflict outlines a whole new way of being in relationships. Since relationship is at the heart of a wonderful life, maybe exploring new ideas and behaviors is of #1 importance. So, I'm going to do a series of posts about these new ideas summarized from the book.
One of the first radical ideas Dr. Rosenberg puts forth is that we are naturally compassionate and naturally are made happy by contributing to other people. Of course, most of us would say, "What?!! Are you crazy?!! Look around - that's not how people are acting." We would be right about that. So he follows up with the idea that for thousands of years we have been educated to enjoy hurting each other. We are taught to believe that human beings are basically evil, that people are divided into good and bad, and that bad people must be punished. We are taught that a good life is one where we are the good guys who heroically fight evil people. So in order to feel good about ourselves, we have to identify the bad guys and punish them.
We are certainly going to need to feel better about ourselves because we also have been taught to violently criticize and judge ourselves. Unless we attack other people that we judge as worse than ourselves, we will sink into depression and guilt. This explains why we have learned to enjoy hurting other people (whom we have judged as the bad guys). It's the only antidote we have to self-hate! Naturally, then, the world is going to be divided into warring factions as each person tries to align him/herself with the good guys and fight the bad guys.
Dr. Rosenberg suggests we think back into our memories of the times we were the most pleased with ourselves and with life in the last week. He says that most people will think of times when they've done something for someone else and the memory will make them smile. When I make my gratitude list each day, there's usually something on there that I had the privilege of doing for someone else. I'm tremendously grateful for learning this truth. Just to keep things clear, neither I nor Dr. Rosenberg are suggesting huge Mother Theresa self-sacrifice to our own detriment. Nothing that extreme is necessary for happiness. Even little things like holding the door open for someone with their hands full, smiling at a child, complimenting a sales person's shirt will add up to a happy day.
All this is quite simple, but there's no denying that it is incredibly difficult. The mindset of judgment, criticism, hate and blame is deeply ingrained and not easy to root out. But the payoff is way, way bigger than we can imagine. Every step in the direction of service to others brings us closer to the life of our dreams.
One of the first radical ideas Dr. Rosenberg puts forth is that we are naturally compassionate and naturally are made happy by contributing to other people. Of course, most of us would say, "What?!! Are you crazy?!! Look around - that's not how people are acting." We would be right about that. So he follows up with the idea that for thousands of years we have been educated to enjoy hurting each other. We are taught to believe that human beings are basically evil, that people are divided into good and bad, and that bad people must be punished. We are taught that a good life is one where we are the good guys who heroically fight evil people. So in order to feel good about ourselves, we have to identify the bad guys and punish them.
We are certainly going to need to feel better about ourselves because we also have been taught to violently criticize and judge ourselves. Unless we attack other people that we judge as worse than ourselves, we will sink into depression and guilt. This explains why we have learned to enjoy hurting other people (whom we have judged as the bad guys). It's the only antidote we have to self-hate! Naturally, then, the world is going to be divided into warring factions as each person tries to align him/herself with the good guys and fight the bad guys.
Dr. Rosenberg suggests we think back into our memories of the times we were the most pleased with ourselves and with life in the last week. He says that most people will think of times when they've done something for someone else and the memory will make them smile. When I make my gratitude list each day, there's usually something on there that I had the privilege of doing for someone else. I'm tremendously grateful for learning this truth. Just to keep things clear, neither I nor Dr. Rosenberg are suggesting huge Mother Theresa self-sacrifice to our own detriment. Nothing that extreme is necessary for happiness. Even little things like holding the door open for someone with their hands full, smiling at a child, complimenting a sales person's shirt will add up to a happy day.
All this is quite simple, but there's no denying that it is incredibly difficult. The mindset of judgment, criticism, hate and blame is deeply ingrained and not easy to root out. But the payoff is way, way bigger than we can imagine. Every step in the direction of service to others brings us closer to the life of our dreams.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Speak Peace in a World of Conflict
There's no doubt in my mind whatsoever that creating the life of our dreams is more about our relationships with other people than anything else. If I achieve all my goals, am amazingly successful, world-famous, wealthy beyond my wildest dreams, and surrounded by admirers, but am lonely and/or at odds with the people closest to me, none of what I've achieved will matter to me. My wish for us all is to spend at least as much time studying all the GOOD (be careful; not all information is true or good) information we can find about how to have happy, loving friendships - with partners if we have them, our children if we have them, our parents if they're still around, brothers and sisters if we have them, co-workers, bosses, people we supervise, people we serve in our jobs (all jobs serve someone), the people of our communities, organizations we belong to and most of all our friends.
What I've observed in the time I've been observing - which is quite awhile, by the way - is that what most of us do is, by some process we don't even really think about, decide what "the rules" should be and try to get everyone on the planet to follow our rules. So far, almost no one seems to have figured out that this doesn't work. Those other people are trying to get us to follow THEIR rules. So there's constant conflict everywhere, all the time. Sit in a restaurant sometime and just listen to the conversations around you - it's likely what you will hear is conflict, complaining, blaming, criticizing. Nobody is getting their way and they are not happy.
If I were to start a crusade - and I've already done enough of that in my life so I probably won't - I'd preach peace in a world of conflict. In fact, what do you know? That's a title of a book by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. about non-violent communication. In the Introduction, Dr. Rosenberg says, "For most of us the process of bringing about peaceful change begins with working on our own mindsets, on the way we view ourselves and others, on the way we get our needs met. This basic work is in many ways the most challenging aspect of speaking peace because it requires great honest and openness, developing a certain literacy of expression, and overcoming deeply ingrained learning that emphasizes judgment, fear, obligation, duty, punishment and reward, and shame."
The focus of the book is on making life more wonderful - for both ourselves and others. Dr. Rosenberg believes, and so do I, that we were created to be lovers and givers and that we are naturally compassionate - happiest when we love, give and are compassionate. I know it appears that there are a lot of people who enjoy making other people suffer, but I suspect that's because they don't feel worthy and no one is giving them love - or not enough, at least. I know, I know - that makes me some kind of bleeding heart. But consider how things are going with the other way of doing things? What have we got to lose by trying something different? Unless, of course, our relationships are already peaceful and loving and perfect or we actually do love conflict.
My recommendation is that we just study this information and try it out as an experiment. Nothing is lost by experimenting with new behavior. Maybe it will help us get the life of our dreams.
What I've observed in the time I've been observing - which is quite awhile, by the way - is that what most of us do is, by some process we don't even really think about, decide what "the rules" should be and try to get everyone on the planet to follow our rules. So far, almost no one seems to have figured out that this doesn't work. Those other people are trying to get us to follow THEIR rules. So there's constant conflict everywhere, all the time. Sit in a restaurant sometime and just listen to the conversations around you - it's likely what you will hear is conflict, complaining, blaming, criticizing. Nobody is getting their way and they are not happy.
If I were to start a crusade - and I've already done enough of that in my life so I probably won't - I'd preach peace in a world of conflict. In fact, what do you know? That's a title of a book by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. about non-violent communication. In the Introduction, Dr. Rosenberg says, "For most of us the process of bringing about peaceful change begins with working on our own mindsets, on the way we view ourselves and others, on the way we get our needs met. This basic work is in many ways the most challenging aspect of speaking peace because it requires great honest and openness, developing a certain literacy of expression, and overcoming deeply ingrained learning that emphasizes judgment, fear, obligation, duty, punishment and reward, and shame."
The focus of the book is on making life more wonderful - for both ourselves and others. Dr. Rosenberg believes, and so do I, that we were created to be lovers and givers and that we are naturally compassionate - happiest when we love, give and are compassionate. I know it appears that there are a lot of people who enjoy making other people suffer, but I suspect that's because they don't feel worthy and no one is giving them love - or not enough, at least. I know, I know - that makes me some kind of bleeding heart. But consider how things are going with the other way of doing things? What have we got to lose by trying something different? Unless, of course, our relationships are already peaceful and loving and perfect or we actually do love conflict.
My recommendation is that we just study this information and try it out as an experiment. Nothing is lost by experimenting with new behavior. Maybe it will help us get the life of our dreams.
Friday, October 29, 2010
The Invisible Gorilla
I'm reading a book with the above title which refers to an experiment where the subjects were watching a basketball game on video and their assignment was to count the passes between players. In the middle of the video a person in a gorilla suit walked across the scene. When asked, only 25% of the subjects even saw the gorilla. The book covers a variety of similar experiments one of which showed that the more over confident one is, the less capability one has! Another experiment compared the capability of groups who guessed the number of jelly beans in a jar. If the group functioned by each member writing down his/her guess and then averaging the guesses in the group, that group did far and away the best - compared to the groups who discussed their guesses. In the latter group, the most outgoing member usually took control and it was his/her guess that ended up being the group's guess.
The point that came across to me was that we all should be careful to become knowledgeable before we make decisions. We may "feel" capable and may even feel more capable after we've consulted someone else, but we may be like most people and have an illusion about our capability and even if we've consulted someone else, it may be that person is no more knowledgeable than we are. A lot of what we think we know is just opinion and/or familiarity and does not provide us what we need to make good decisions. An example given in the book was that of a student who has read the material several times that he/she will be tested on. So, the student is familiar with the material. The problem is that he/she will not necessarily have understanding of the material which is what the test will measure.
To reach goals that will take us to the life of our dreams, knowledge and understanding of the steps to take are invaluable. Consulting others is only useful if we're sure they are truly knowledgeable!
The point that came across to me was that we all should be careful to become knowledgeable before we make decisions. We may "feel" capable and may even feel more capable after we've consulted someone else, but we may be like most people and have an illusion about our capability and even if we've consulted someone else, it may be that person is no more knowledgeable than we are. A lot of what we think we know is just opinion and/or familiarity and does not provide us what we need to make good decisions. An example given in the book was that of a student who has read the material several times that he/she will be tested on. So, the student is familiar with the material. The problem is that he/she will not necessarily have understanding of the material which is what the test will measure.
To reach goals that will take us to the life of our dreams, knowledge and understanding of the steps to take are invaluable. Consulting others is only useful if we're sure they are truly knowledgeable!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Juggling
Adding new activities to our daily routines can be a challenge for many of us since almost all of us are overloaded already. Sometimes our wishful thinking makes us believe that we can add things without figuring out how they will fit in the time available. Since we were already stressed, we soon drop these new activities because we become more stressed even though we want very much to do these new and wonderful things.
Creating the life of our dreams requires the "elbow grease" of looking at the hours in the day, how long each activity really takes, and determining where new things could fit. The first place to look is at the activities that don't really add to our quality of life. In my case, that would be playing solitaire on the computer. Now that's not a bad thing, it just doesn't add to the quality of my life. It serves the purpose of giving my brain and body a rest.
However, there are more effective ways of resting that really improve the quality of my life. I've found that lying on my back on the living room rug with earphones on, listening to lovely music, with a scented candle burning, and gently stretching my muscles, refreshes me more than solitaire. Plus it adds to the quality of my life in a big way.
The next place to look for time is in areas where I could streamline. I've actually found books that show how to streamline the daily maintenance of homes and other areas of life like errands. It's amazing how doing a little study ahead of time and doing these chores in an organized way can add hours to the day.
The next place to look is at things I can get help with or delegate all together. Asking for help or even buying help is often worth it for the hours I can add to my daily life that add to my quality of life.
My favorite time saver is just doing things in a mediocre or sloppy way. I don't feel bad about this anymore at all. For example, I clean out closets like this: I stand in front of the open closet. I look for things I don't want any more, pull them out and put them in a trash bag. I put the trash bag in the garage and call one of the charities that pick stuff up. This whole activity takes about 15 minutes. I probably miss some stuff. So what. In the past I've spent whole days on this type of activity. I regret that time - it didn't add to my quality of life at all. I can't tell much difference in my closets now that I don't do that. When they get too full, I take stuff out and give it away. I spend a tiny bit of time on it and move on to better things.
There's a lot to be said for the later years in life. Right now I am appreciating my awareness of how little time I have left to live and I am even more dedicated than ever to making sure every bit of it is used for good!
Creating the life of our dreams requires the "elbow grease" of looking at the hours in the day, how long each activity really takes, and determining where new things could fit. The first place to look is at the activities that don't really add to our quality of life. In my case, that would be playing solitaire on the computer. Now that's not a bad thing, it just doesn't add to the quality of my life. It serves the purpose of giving my brain and body a rest.
However, there are more effective ways of resting that really improve the quality of my life. I've found that lying on my back on the living room rug with earphones on, listening to lovely music, with a scented candle burning, and gently stretching my muscles, refreshes me more than solitaire. Plus it adds to the quality of my life in a big way.
The next place to look for time is in areas where I could streamline. I've actually found books that show how to streamline the daily maintenance of homes and other areas of life like errands. It's amazing how doing a little study ahead of time and doing these chores in an organized way can add hours to the day.
The next place to look is at things I can get help with or delegate all together. Asking for help or even buying help is often worth it for the hours I can add to my daily life that add to my quality of life.
My favorite time saver is just doing things in a mediocre or sloppy way. I don't feel bad about this anymore at all. For example, I clean out closets like this: I stand in front of the open closet. I look for things I don't want any more, pull them out and put them in a trash bag. I put the trash bag in the garage and call one of the charities that pick stuff up. This whole activity takes about 15 minutes. I probably miss some stuff. So what. In the past I've spent whole days on this type of activity. I regret that time - it didn't add to my quality of life at all. I can't tell much difference in my closets now that I don't do that. When they get too full, I take stuff out and give it away. I spend a tiny bit of time on it and move on to better things.
There's a lot to be said for the later years in life. Right now I am appreciating my awareness of how little time I have left to live and I am even more dedicated than ever to making sure every bit of it is used for good!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Thought for the Day
In creating the life of our dreams, we may learn many unexpected things. For example, "Our true gift to ourselves and others lies not in what we have but who we are." Marianne Williamson.
Many of us start out to create the life of our dreams thinking that our possessions, education, social status and other "American dream" goals are the things that will make up the life of our dreams. The more we succeed at creating these things, the more we may notice that we still don't feel like we have the life of our dreams. Then we may need to change our focus. This doesn't mean we've failed; it means we've learned what's really important to us.
Many of us start out to create the life of our dreams thinking that our possessions, education, social status and other "American dream" goals are the things that will make up the life of our dreams. The more we succeed at creating these things, the more we may notice that we still don't feel like we have the life of our dreams. Then we may need to change our focus. This doesn't mean we've failed; it means we've learned what's really important to us.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Changing
In "The Four Agreements Companion Book," Don Miguel Ruiz (the author) answers a question from a reader. She asks why it is so hard to change; why she makes progress and then reverts to old behavior. Don Miguel answers by saying that it's her old agreements (beliefs about herself) that cause this. There is a part of her (he calls it the parasite) that wants her to stay the same, to stay miserable. The parasite tells her she is not worth being happy. These beliefs or agreements as Don Miguel calls them, were learned in childhood. It's not easy to change them but it's worth it.
I believe this is why change - especially positive change is so hard for all of us. These are the biggest barriers we have to creating the life of our dreams. Changing our beliefs about ourselves that we learned in childhood may be the most difficult task we will ever have in life. Don Miguel says in "The Four Agreements" that there are no guarantees that we will fully accomplish this task in our lifetime. He says it's a war we should fight anyway. He calls those of us who make this commitment to ourselves, "warriors."
What else have we got to do with the rest of our lives anyway? Let's be warriors and have the courage to fight for the life of our dreams.
I believe this is why change - especially positive change is so hard for all of us. These are the biggest barriers we have to creating the life of our dreams. Changing our beliefs about ourselves that we learned in childhood may be the most difficult task we will ever have in life. Don Miguel says in "The Four Agreements" that there are no guarantees that we will fully accomplish this task in our lifetime. He says it's a war we should fight anyway. He calls those of us who make this commitment to ourselves, "warriors."
What else have we got to do with the rest of our lives anyway? Let's be warriors and have the courage to fight for the life of our dreams.
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